New Years-Jay Leno

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution." - Jay Leno

When Mom and Dad Are Away......The Cats Will......


Batteries or Toys?

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. - Bernard Manning

Dave Barry on Christmas

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. - Dave Barry

OJ in Vegas

It was so cold in Vegas, O.J. was wearing his knit cap and gloves again. - Jay Leno

Obama by Train?

Barack Obama says he's going to get to the inauguration by train. This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water. -
Craig Ferguson

Poor Rodney

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. - Rodney Dangerfield

McDonalds is On a Run

McDonalds is reporting that despite the bad economy, their domestic sales were up last month. Which just goes to show you a great thing about our country you're never too poor to get fat. - Conan O'Brien

Quotes on "Meetings"

Having served on various committees, I have drawn up a list of rules:
  • Never arrive on time; this stamps you as a beginner.
  • Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
  • Be as vague as possible; this avoids irritating the others.
  • When in doubt, suggest that a sub-committee be appointed.
  • Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular; it's what everyone is waiting for.

  • - Harry Chapman

    A meeting is a gathering where people speak up, say nothing, then all disagree

    A meeting is indispensable when you don't want to accomplish anything.

    Position Available: Surveyor-Must Be Fast on Your Feet

    Position: Surveyor
    Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
    Qualification: Must be fast on your feet

    Isn't it comforting to know that when you are about to become a bear's breakfast your buddy is standing there taking photos?

    Britney Spears Jabs

    “Britney Spears” were the most-searched words of the year on Yahoo!, followed by “World Wrestling Federation,” and in third place, “Barack Obama.” I think the lesson here is that Americans are not responsible enough to be using computers. - Jimmy Kimmel

    Yahoo! also reported the top 10 searches by Britney Spears. No. 1 was “Where do babies keep coming from?” - Jimmy Kimmel

    Converting Urine Into Drinking Water

    The astronauts are busy installing a machine that converts urine into drinking water. Is the economy really that bad? - Craig Ferguson

    GM Dumped Tiger

    GM has announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a GM spokesman said, 'Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, popular . . . and that's just not us.' - Conan O'Brien
    I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
    - Brian Kiley
    Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. - Groucho Marx

    Time to Put Your Paw Down!

    How to tell when its time to make your kids sleep in their own bed....

    That's Generous of Bill

    Bill Clinton went to Barack Obama and said that he would do anything to help Hillary become secretary of state, even remove his profile from


    he would place all his interns in a blind trust. - David Letterman

    Michael Jackson is in Trouble Again.....

    Michael Jackson is in trouble again. He is supposed to testify in a lawsuit, but his lawyer says he’s too sick to travel. He can only travel in an emergency — like a Jonas Brothers concert. - Craig Ferguson


    Some people are having a hard time, little money for food and other necessities. Here comes "SPAM" to the rescue! Spam is hot and selling like crazy.

    Spam workers have been working double shifts for months and America can't get enough of the much maligned and laughed at entree.
    Get your fill of news about Spam in the NY Times Article.

    Woody Allen: Live to be 100

    You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. - Woody Allen

    McCain is Back to His Full Time Job

    McCain is back to his full-time job: yelling at people who park in front of his house. - David Letterman

    Obama's Puppy Name Choices

    The Obamas are getting a new puppy for the White House. They’re still trying to decide what to name it. They’re thinking Rex if it’s a boy, and Hillary if it’s a bitch. - Craig Ferguson

    Slip 'N Slide?

    Sports Illustrated says that Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. In order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip ’n Slide. - Conan O'Brien

    Tallulah's Lament

    "If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." - Tallulah Bankhead

    Men Are Like Fine Wine.....

    Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
    - Janice Trudeau

    Does Your Office Use These Strategies?

    Commonly Used Strategies for Resolving Conflict:

    1. Always BLAME others
    2. GENERALIZE whenever possible - use words like always and never.
    3. DENY that any problem exists
    4. PERSONALIZE the dispute

    Sarah Palin Was Watching.....

    People all over the world are celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house. - Craig Ferguson


    The city of Chicago was so excited about Obama’s win that hundreds of thousands of people turned out for his victory rally. There was an awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said “Proud to be Muslim” and screamed, “Suckers!" - Conan O'Brien

    Man Sues God-God Has Judge Throw Case Out

    Here's a case of royal Chutzpah-Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers has sued God!

    Apparently Mr. Chambers is seeking an injunction against God because he believes God is conducting a terrorist threats against him and his constituents (lucky bucks that they are).

    "Additionally, he said God inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

    The judge dismissed the suit saying the plaintiff must have access to the defendant to serve the papers.

    Senator Chambers has 30 days to appeal and refile his case against God. Let's stay tuned to see what the defendant's-pardon me, God's response will be.

    Read the whole story at Yahoo News.

    Cop Charged With Stealing Donuts!

    An upstate New York campus cop was charged and ticketed for petty larceny for stealing donuts. Stole $300 worth. A cop stealing donuts?

    Read About The Donut Caper Here!

    If You Have a Yacht Like This-Then You're a Redneck.....

    Dave Barry: The Only Seafood I Trust.....

    The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. - Dave Barry

    Checkers VS Kickboxing

    "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing." - Emo Phillips

    Return On Investment

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

    But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.


    A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
    Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be an American!

    Current News Funnies From Craig Ferguson

    * Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems.

    * Of course, there's only one thing on everyone's mind right now . . . the country is divided . . . that's right- Madonna's divorce.

    * It's sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best years of her life, and he gave her an English accent.

    If Only God Would....

    If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

    The Final Debate

    The last debate will be tomorrow night. It's being sponsored by Anheuser-Bush. I guess the last two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up. - Jay Leno

    Wildfires Are Burning In California

    Two big wildfires are burning in California. Emergency teams are trying to contain the fire. They are trying to drive them to homes that have already been foreclosed on. - Jimmy Kimmel

    The First Saint From India

    Today the Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles and fixed the Pope's computer when his hard drive crashed. - Conan O'Brien

    Jimmy Carter Blames President Bush

    Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called it the worst financial crisis since . . . the Carter administration. - Jay Leno

    Angelina Jolie Wants to Have More Children

    In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she wants to have more children. Then someone explained to Jolie that thanks to her there are no more left. - Conan O'Brien

    Be Careful Parents!

    This weekend, the jury in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case found him guilty on all counts. So be careful parents — if your child experiments with double murder it could lead down the treacherous path to sports memorabilia theft. - Conan O'Brien

    The Labor Department Announced.....

    The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. - Jay Leno

    A President Who'll Stand Up and Be a Man!

    Stop the whiny name-calling. Americans want a president who’ll stand up and be a man. That’s why so many people were voting for Hillary Clinton. - Craig Ferguson

    Leno On Bailout and Banks

    * The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.

    * The plan came in two parts, and I guess they couldn’t agree which part to implement first — the smoke or the mirrors.

    * To give you an idea of how bad the economy is, over the weekend, I wrote a check and the bank bounced.

    Funny Sid Caesar

    The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. - Sid Caesar

    Rodney Drinks Way Too Much

    I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney Dangerfield

    Will Rodgers Timely Wisdom

    Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers

    Not a Good Sign

    Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon. - Jay Leno

    Hilly Ignoring Sarah?

    Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin. She just talks about John McCain. Which is not surprising — she’s very good at ignoring the other women. - Craig Ferguson

    No Food Channel Satisfaction

    I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye." - Jerry Seinfeld

    Norman Einstein?

    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theismann

    Woody's Not Afraid To Die.....

    "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

    Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Actor Presented by Robert De Niro and Al Pacino

    Letterman's Top Ten (warning-language used):

    10. Sometimes when I go to the movies, the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter (Al Pacino)

    9. Every time I go to work, I get to ask myself, "I wonder if I'll see Harvey Keitel naked" (Robert De Niro)

    8. Well, you've got to keep honing your craft, or you could end up out of the business and taking a job as Governor of California (Al Pacino)

    7. If you do a scene where you're eating pudding, they often let you keep the pudding (Robert De Niro)

    6. I got to meet Spider-Man (Al Pacino)

    5. It's the makeup. I like wearing the makeup. (Robert De Niro)

    4. You get to make films for personal reasons � I made "Righteous Kill" to let people know I'm still alive (Al Pacino)

    3. You get to make films for personal reasons � I made "Righteous Kill" to see if Al was still alive (Robert De Niro)

    2. Beats my old gig as a hockey mom (Al Pacino)

    1. Get to read well-crafted dialogue like, "Get the f*** out of here" (Robert De Niro)

    Another Olympic Sport That Won't Be Back

    courtesty of Fengtastic

    Katrina and FEMA

    Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It seems like just yesterday FEMA was heading down to New Orleans . . . actually, it was just yesterday. - Jay Leno

    David Letterman Political Humor

    * From the Olympics on to the Democratic Convention in Denver. The theme of this year’s convention is unity. Unfortunately they can’t agree on how it works . . .

    Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years.

    * The Democratic National Convention is in Denver, and security is tight. It’s very tight. It is tighter than Nancy Pelosi’s face.

    According to Rumors.....

    According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are both trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement. John Edwards is just trying to get her number. - Craig Ferguson

    The Oppressive Chinese Authorities Go Green!

    "Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency measures for the Olympics. For example, protesters will now only be run over with hybrid tanks." - Jay Leno

    Ot Oh-The Unibomber!

    The Unibomber, Ted Kaczynski, wrote a letter from jail saying he’s angry that his cabin is now on display in a museum. Well, they think that’s what the letter says . . . everyone’s afraid to open it. - Craig Ferguson

    Yeah, Why Don't They?

    Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. - Steven Wright

    Rediculous Business Jargon

    "We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings." - Scott Adams

    Olympic Related Humor

    "President Bush arrived in Beijing today. I don’t think he really gets the Olympics. When they asked him if he liked the decathlon, he said that he prefers regular coffee." - Jay Leno

    Extra Funny "Late Show Top Ten"

    Top Ten Signs Your Airline is Cutting Costs

    10. During flight they hit you with additional $200 "landing charge"

    9. It's day 4 of your honeymoon, and you're still on the tarmac

    8. Plane has a "Hyundai" hood ornament

    7. When you arrive, Hawaii looks suspiciously like Detroit

    6. Inflatable vest replaced with smaller inflatable bow ties

    5. Plane can't take off until you lose 20 pounds

    4. In-flight entertainment: watching two fat guys fight for an armrest

    3. Flight attendants wearing clothes you packed

    2. The pilot — Andy Dick

    1. During the captain's preflight checklist, you hear him say, "close enough"

    From Camel to Camel

    My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel, I drive a Mercedes, my son drives a Land Rover, his son will drive a Land Rover, but his son will ride a camel." — attributed to Sheikh Rashid bin Saeed Al Maktoum, Emir of Dubai

    PC Problems

    Sorry Readers-My PC is giving me trouble right now-I'll be posting when things get straightened out. Thanks for visiting.

    NBC News Defended Their.....

    This week, NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC New denied it. They said, “That’s ridiculous. We’ve never even heard of John McCain.” - Jay Leno

    Batman TV Series Quotes

    *** Robin: "Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!"
    Batman: "I wasn't scared in the least."
    Robin: "Not at all?"
    Batman: "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?"
    Robin: "Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!"
    Batman: "I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."

    *** Robin: "You can't get away from Batman that easy!"
    Batman: "Easily."
    Robin: "Easily."
    Batman: "Good grammar is essential, Robin."
    Robin: "Thank you."
    Batman: "You're welcome."

    *** Robin: "Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know."
    Batman: "I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives."

    A Clear Conscience?

    "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." - Steven Wright

    Barack Obama

    Barack Obama is planning a trip to visit Iraq and several other Middle East countries. Obama says he’s excited about the trip – mainly because he’s looking forward to meeting other people named Barack Obama. - Conan O'Brien

    Jackson vs Obama

    "Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child." - Jay Leno

    Do You Suffer From Lack of Imagination?

    "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." - Oscar Wilde

    O.J.'s Birthday Results

    Big birthday news today — O.J. Simpson turned 61-years-old and he had a party with all his friends. There were no survivors. - Conan O'Brien

    Money Isn't Everything.......

    "Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." - J. Paul Getty

    Buy 'Em Somewhere Else

    China has announced that they’re shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer — so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: “Sorry, but for the next few months, you’re going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else.” - Conan O'Brien

    Smart Move

    The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. - Peter Ustinov

    Some People.....

    "Some people want it to happen, some people make it happen and some people say 'what happened?'" - Michael Jordan

    Mr. Always

    "When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." - Rita Rudner

    Letterman's Top Ten

    Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Beach

    10. "You're going to have to put on a top — oh, sorry, sir"

    9. "Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water"

    8. "Due to the mortgage crisis, we're foreclosing your sand castle"

    7. "We're out of mayo; use the Coppertone"

    6. "Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin"

    5. "The water? It's about 11 miles that way"

    4. "I know you're not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?"

    3. "Giant squid! Run for your lives!"

    2. "Are you here for the Al Qaeda summer picnic?"

    1. "Now where did I bury Grandpa?"

    The Old, The Middle Aged and The Young

    The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde

    This is My Philosophy Also...

    Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

    Craig Ferguson Funnies

    * It’s Carly Simon’s and George Michael’s birthday today. Both are very different of course — one’s an older woman who apparently slept her way through Hollywood . . . the other’s Carly Simon.

    * The Dutch think the world’s going to end on Dec. 12, 2012. It has to do with the Mayan calendar. That and a lot of pot smoking.

    * The Democrats have announced there will be no fried foods at their conventions. Hooray! That means Al Gore won’t be there.

    Is This You?

    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

    Incompetent Attorney vs Competent Attorney

    "An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer." - Evelle J. Younger

    What Does An Economist Do?

    An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. - Alfred A. Knopf

    You Can't Live Without Me?

    If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? - Cynthia Heimel

    Happy Birthday to Paula Abdul

    Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday to Paula Abdul — 46 years old today. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Waaaay Beyond. - David Letterman

    It's Kind of a Wash

    "President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at the campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash." - Jay Leno

    Gratitude and Picnics

    “We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.” - Bill Vaughn

    On Father's Day John McCain...

    "Yesterday was Father’s Day and John McCain made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. Unfortunately, McCain’s grandchildren couldn’t make it because they spent the day with their grandchildren. " - Conan O'Brien

    McCain Targeting Hilly Supporters

    John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit. - David Letterman

    A Perfect Summer Day

    “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” - James Dent

    If This Isn't The Truth I Don't Know What Is!

    "Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened." - Rita Rudner

    After Exhausting All Other Alternatives.....

    "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." - Abba Eban

    The One Magic Phrase

    We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

    10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever

    10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever
    By Carl Megill

    Being a single guy isn't easy these days. In the long run, it's always the woman who makes the final decision as to whether or not anything is going to happen. Using the correct pick-up line to attract a woman's attention is very important. There are so many out there, it's hard to pick the right one. So, instead of a list of pick-up lines that work, here is a list of ten lines that definitely won't work and the responses that were received. How do I know? Let's just say, some fool went out there and tried them. Okay, it was for experimental purposes.

    Of course, always avoid the obvious and overdone ones like "What's your sign?" Responses to this one could range from "Keep out" to "Toll road." You don't want to get shot down before you've even had a chance to show her what a total idiot you can be. So, avoid the following:

    1. Your place or mine. Response: Yours. Wait for me. If I'm not there in an hour, start without me.

    2. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? Response: If I told you that you were a moron, would you go away?

    3. Congratulations. You have been voted "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World" and first prize is a night with me. Response: What's second prize? Two nights with you?

    4. I only have three months to live. Response: Where can I send the flowers?

    5. You know what I like about you? My arms. Response: You know what I like about you? Nothing.

    6. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Response: What would I have to know to get the rest of you taken away?

    7. My lips are registered weapons. Response: Do me a favor. Try pointing them towards your head and blow your brains out.

    8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Response: Walk by again and this time, don't stop until you've crossed the state line.

    9. Hi, can I buy you a car? (No response, but this one cost me three Kias.)

    10. Pardon me, miss, but I seemed to have misplaced my phone number. Could I borrow yours? (Again, no response and I actually did get a phone number. When I called it, the next day, it was for Jenny Craig.)

    So, there you go; ten pick-up lines to stay away from. If you have used some pick-up lines that didn't work, or if you've had some unusual ones used on you, I'd love to hear from you. After all, it's important that we share in these troubled times. Besides, I might be able to get another column out of this.

    A Woman Should Never.....

    “A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands.” - Lord Byron

    Late Show Top Ten

    Top Ten Answers To The Question "How Hot Is It?"

    10. "It's so hot, the Statue of Liberty is holding a Jamba Juice"
    9. "It's so hot, President Bush fanned himself with unread intelligence memos"
    8. "It's so hot, Scott McClellan has written a scathing book crticizing the sun"
    7. "It's so hot, Exxon is charging $4 a gallon for ice"
    6. "It's so hot, Iron Man's suit left grill marks on his ass"
    5. "It's so hot, instead of being stuck on the runway, JetBlue flights were stuck to the runway"
    4. "It's so hot, Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president of Antarctica"
    3. "No number 3 — writer passed out from heat exhaustion
    2. "It's so hot, guys are climbing The New York Times building just for the breeze"
    1. "It's so hot, those sluts from 'Sex and the City' are sleeping with Ben & Jerry"

    Big Business

    Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. - Dave Barry

    Horses, Horses, Horses

    You Know You're a little too close to your horse if you:

    * pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.

    * Consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.

    * Have someone do something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say 'good boy'.

    Rodney D.

    “On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” - Rodney Dangerfield

    If You're in A War...

    “If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.” - Jack Handy

    McCain Looking For Donors!

    "John McCain is actively campaigning across the country. He’s looking for donors — mostly organ donors. " - Craig Ferguson

    The Thing on Donald Trump's Head

    "You can tell it’s summer, because earlier today at the beach, that thing on Donald Trump’s head? It chased a tennis ball into the surf. " - David Letterman

    Sick of Following Dreams

    I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. - Mitch Heberg

    Crops Failing?

    Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. - Fred Allen

    Paris Hilton: What Every Woman Should Have

    Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” - Paris Hilton

    Don't Be So Humble.....

    “Don't be so humble, you're not that great.” - Golda Meir

    Late Show's Top Ten Indiana Jones Movie Comments

    Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See the New Indiana Jones Movie

    10."Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs Cialis"

    9. "185 million dollar budget — there better be some damn monkeys"

    8. "Dude, why the hell are you dressed as Spock?"

    7. "I can't wait for the next one in 2027"

    6. "Is this the movie about those four women who go slutting around New York City?"

    5. "If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies — zing!"

    4. "Yes, Harrison, you're eligible for the senior citizen discount"

    3. No number 3 — writer waiting in line to see new Indiana Jones movie

    2. "If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally"

    1. "Shouldn't you be at the White House, Mr. President?"

    Jail For Non Lawn-Mowers

    "The city of Canton, Ohio wants to impose jail sentences on homeowners who don’t mow their lawns. Residents say this is unfair because watching grass grow is the most exciting thing to do in Canton, Ohio."- Conan O'Brien

    Steven Wrights Eyeglass Problem

    “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.” - Steven Wright

    Rodney Hasn't Spoken To His Wife In Years

    “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” - Rodney Dangerfield

    You Could Only Run For Public Office

    “No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” - George Bernard Shaw

    Somebody Keeps Moving The Ends!

    "About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends." - Pres. Herbert Hoover

    The 12 Step Chocolate Program

    The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE! - Terry Moore

    The Best Husband Any Woman Could Have!

    "An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Anonymous Archeologist

    Job Interview Advice!

    "When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.” - Jack Handy

    What Do You Get When You Cross...

    “Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.” - Groucho Marx

    Former Pres.Clintons's Speech

    Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.” - Conan O'Brien

    Spring Plant Humor

    * "I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide." - Jerry Seinfeld

    * "A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skillexcept for learning how to grow in rows."- Doug Larson

    * "A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of." - T.H. Everett

    * A Veggie New Age Song:
    Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.

    * "Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson

    American Idol's Ratings Have Slipped

    “American Idol’s” ratings have been slipping this year, so producers are thinking about making some changes to the show to make if more exciting. For example, from now on contestants will be eliminated by a sniper. - Conan O'Brien

    Bad News For O.J. Simpson

    Bad news for OJ Simpson: He wanted to be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” It turns out OJ will not be on “Celebrity Apprentice.” But the audition went great — only two people killed. - David Letterman

    W.C. Fields-The Patter Of Little Feet

    "Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler." - W. C. Fields

    Rita and The Prom

    It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. - Rita Rudner

    John McCain's Guide to Training Women in the Workplace

    Click HERE to read Comedy Central's Blog Post-"John McCain's Guide to Training Women in the Workplace."

    Baby Features and Benefits

    "A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Knox

    Streisand Humor!

    Jokes from Craig Ferguson:

    * "Barbra Streisand is 66 years old today. She’s going to have to change her song titles to stay connected to her age group: “Memories. I Don’t Have Any Memories.”

    * “You Don’t Bring Me Cortisone Anymore.”

    * Barbra is very powerful in Hollywood. She’s considered a diva. She’s one of the great female singers of our generation: Barbra, Cher, Elton John . . .

    Rodney's Real Tough Neighborhood

    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. - Rodney Dangerfield

    Poor Donald

    "We're were so poor when I was growing up that our mansion had no air conditioner in the elevator." - Donald Trump

    Pope Humor

    * "Yesterday of course was Pope Benedict's birthday. Happy birthday to him. They had a little party for him at the White House. As you know the Pope does not drink; he does not do drugs; and he has taken a vow of celibacy. So, it's pretty safe to say no congressmen showed up for that party." - Jay Leno

    * "These trips can be kind of tricky; often there can be some confusion and embarrassment. The Pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain." - David Letterman

    Have to Stop a Runaway Horse?

    One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. - Jeffrey Bernard


    “They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.” - Rita Rudner

    Consider the Daffodil...

    "Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.” - Jack Handy


    "Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs." - Dave Barry

    Woody Allen-California Garbage

    In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - Woody Allen

    Letterman's "Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat

    Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat

    10. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one

    9. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake

    8. Driver's license photos larger to include all chins

    7. Broadway's Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie

    6. Robotic voice in the subway says, "Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass"

    5. Thousands of "potholes" are actually footprints in the pavement

    4. 97% of ATM passwords are either "fudge" or "bacon"

    3. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes

    2. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes

    1. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger

    John McCain Has Not Been Using Secret Service Because...

    John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. You see, he has Life Alert. - Jay Leno

    I'm One of Them-I Agree-Don't Bother

    "This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever." - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

    In California...

    In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. - Woody Allen

    Strength Is ...

    Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces - Judith Viorst

    Give Me a Couple of Years and...

    "Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success." - Samuel Goldwyn

    Hillary Made an Honest Mistake...

    "Hillary now says she just made an honest mistake . . . there was no hostile fire of any kind. Ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." - Jay Leno

    That Thing on Donald Trump's Head

    It was so nice in New York City today, that thing on Donald Trump’s head shed its coat. - David Letterman

    There's Nothing More Dangerous...

    "There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot." - Scott Adams

    Another Sam Goldwyn Pearl of Wisdom

    I want everyone to tell me the truth, even if it costs him his job. - Producer Sam Goldwyn

    Lovable Maxine

    Dave Barry-It's Inhumane!

    "It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles." - Dave Barry

    Poker With Tarot Cards?

    "Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Seven Wright

    Check Your Fan Belt

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt. - Thelma and Louise

    Happy St. Pat's!

    "An Englishmen thinks seated; a Frenchmen standing; an American pacing, an Irishman, afterwards." - Austin O'Malley

    Just Make The Horn Louder

    "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright's Mechanic

    An Election Is Coming...

    An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry. - T. S. Elliot


    Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. - Ogden Nash

    A Cat's Prayer

    Ten Men Waiting?

    Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired. - Mae West

    More School Excuses!

    * “Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”

    * "Please excuse Joyce from jim today".

    * “Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

    * “Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”

    * "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

    Scoffing At Ancient Beliefs

    "We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.” - Jack Handy

    Other People's Funerals

    “Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours” - Yogi Berra

    Neverland Ranch

    Terrible news for Michael Jackson. News is he is filing bankruptcy, and he is being forced to sell Neverland Ranch. It’s too bad Michael has to sell the Neverland: It’s a huge estate that covers 2,800 acres; it has an amusement park; it can sleep up to 50 children uncomfortably . . . - Craig Ferguson

    "The Pet Diaries"

    This wonderfully humorous writing is courtesy of "The Humor Archives":

    Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

    * 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    * 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    * 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    * 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    * 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
    * 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    * 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    * 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    * 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    * 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    * 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

    Day 983 of my captivity.

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

    In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

    It WAS Useless I Agree

    The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. - Nicholas Chamfort

    Conclusions: Tired Thinking

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Arthur McBride Bloch

    Starbucks Coffee For A Dollar?

    "Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts." - Conan O'Brien

    Tallulah Bankhead Retort

    (On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) "I thought I told you to wait in the car." - Tallulah Bankhead

    Be careful What You Write

    "Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information." - Scott Adams

    For your consideration ...

    The Baby Thornback Ray

    Squirrels Deceptively Hide Nuts! has a Squirrel Behavior Study that is amusing by it's very nature. They have found that squirrels practice nut-hiding deception! They actually pretend to dig holes in the ground and hide their nuts in an effort to throw off humans and other squirrels.

    Read about these crafty squirrels Here at!

    Reality TV?

    The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. - Dave Barry

    W.C. Fields-Bearded Relatives

    "All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women." - W. C. Fields

    Anybody Can Become President

    "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow

    Jesus Is Watching You

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
    The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
    He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.
    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
    "Clarence," said the bird.
    "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
    The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

    The Blonde Who Went Ice Fishing

    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

    Has Bill's Campaigning Helped Hillary?

    They did a poll on whether Bill’s campaigning for Hillary helped her or hurt her. Well, 38 percent thought it helped; 36 percent thought it hurt. Then 26 percent said, “He never told me he was married!” - Jay Leno

    Late Show Top Ten For February 12, '08

    Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today:

    10.This guy is hilarious, but seriously, who's your president?
    9. I'd like to "emancipate" Angelina Jolie
    8. Sweet merciful Lord, these Applebee's riblets are delicious
    7. I hope the writers' strike is over! I need my "Desperate Housewives"
    6. The framers of the Constitution would care less about who injected what in their ass
    5. I'm here to unite our great nation over unbelievable deals on brand-name mattresses
    4. Good heavens, McCain is still around?
    3. What's with the freakishly short hats?
    2. Speaking of ancient dead guys, how's Letterman doing?
    1. Seriously, what the hell is happening on "Lost"?


    Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. - Dave Barry

    An Occassional Table?

    I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven. - Steven Wright

    What Happens After We Die?

    My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. - Jack Handy

    Mitch Hates Turkeys!

    “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” - Mitch Hedberg

    Life Expectancy...

    Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. - Doug Larson

    Opportunity Knocking?

    "Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out." - Adrienne Gusoff

    Whichever Comes First

    I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. - New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers

    Norman Einstein? Albert's Brother?

    Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theismann

    You Start Out Happy...

    You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. - Cindy Crawford
    I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner

    The All-Purpose Curse!

    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch!

    Cheap Kitty Kicks!

    Happy and Sad Faces For News

    “I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.” - Dave Barry

    Feeling Sleepy and Grumpy?

    "Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be Snow White." - David Frost

    Rectal Thermometers

    A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. -

    Epitaph Humor!

    * She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

    * Bob took time from work By bourbon required Then he took to the road Now he's semi-retired

    * On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune

    * Johann Bach Musician Still decomposing After all these years

    * Dapper Dan Was a lady's man And known for miles around But he slept with Pearl, The Gambler's girl, He now lies six feet under ground

    * Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go

    Good Ideas or Eggs Hatching?

    “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.” - Jack Handy


    A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. - Carl Reiner

    Husband or Philosopher?

    "By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

    Friendless Barbie

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Steven Wright

    Jewish Settlement

    There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman. - David Letter

    Hillary Won't Roll Over

    Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that. - Jay Leno

    Those New Jersey Hunters!

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let"s make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

    The Wallet

    Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids! - Rodney D.

    The Goldfish

    You Have To Be A Redneck If...

    * You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.

    * Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.

    * Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

    New Year's Quotes

    Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution. - Jay Leno

    The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke

    Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

    New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain