- Harry Chapman
A meeting is a gathering where people speak up, say nothing, then all disagree
A meeting is indispensable when you don't want to accomplish anything.
Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
Qualification: Must be fast on your feet
“Britney Spears” were the most-searched words of the year on Yahoo!, followed by “World Wrestling Federation,” and in third place, “Barack Obama.” I think the lesson here is that Americans are not responsible enough to be using computers. - Jimmy Kimmel
Yahoo! also reported the top 10 searches by Britney Spears. No. 1 was “Where do babies keep coming from?” - Jimmy Kimmel
Bill Clinton went to Barack Obama and said that he would do anything to help Hillary become secretary of state, even remove his profile from eHarmony.com.
he would place all his interns in a blind trust. - David Letterman
Spam workers have been working double shifts for months and America can't get enough of the much maligned and laughed at entree. Get your fill of news about Spam in the NY Times Article.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner. - Janice Trudeau
1. Always BLAME others
2. GENERALIZE whenever possible - use words like always and never.
3. DENY that any problem exists
4. PERSONALIZE the dispute
Apparently Mr. Chambers is seeking an injunction against God because he believes God is conducting a terrorist threats against him and his constituents (lucky bucks that they are).
"Additionally, he said God inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."
The judge dismissed the suit saying the plaintiff must have access to the defendant to serve the papers.
Senator Chambers has 30 days to appeal and refile his case against God. Let's stay tuned to see what the defendant's-pardon me, God's response will be.
Read the whole story at Yahoo News.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!
* Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems.
* Of course, there's only one thing on everyone's mind right now . . . the country is divided . . . that's right- Madonna's divorce.
* It's sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best years of her life, and he gave her an English accent.
* The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.
* The plan came in two parts, and I guess they couldn’t agree which part to implement first — the smoke or the mirrors.
* To give you an idea of how bad the economy is, over the weekend, I wrote a check and the bank bounced.
10. Sometimes when I go to the movies, the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter (Al Pacino)
9. Every time I go to work, I get to ask myself, "I wonder if I'll see Harvey Keitel naked" (Robert De Niro)
8. Well, you've got to keep honing your craft, or you could end up out of the business and taking a job as Governor of California (Al Pacino)
7. If you do a scene where you're eating pudding, they often let you keep the pudding (Robert De Niro)
6. I got to meet Spider-Man (Al Pacino)
5. It's the makeup. I like wearing the makeup. (Robert De Niro)
4. You get to make films for personal reasons � I made "Righteous Kill" to let people know I'm still alive (Al Pacino)
3. You get to make films for personal reasons � I made "Righteous Kill" to see if Al was still alive (Robert De Niro)
2. Beats my old gig as a hockey mom (Al Pacino)
1. Get to read well-crafted dialogue like, "Get the f*** out of here" (Robert De Niro)
* Joe Biden is Barack Obama’s running mate. Nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years.
* The Democratic National Convention is in Denver, and security is tight. It’s very tight. It is tighter than Nancy Pelosi’s face.
Top Ten Signs Your Airline is Cutting Costs10. During flight they hit you with additional $200 "landing charge"
9. It's day 4 of your honeymoon, and you're still on the tarmac
8. Plane has a "Hyundai" hood ornament
7. When you arrive, Hawaii looks suspiciously like Detroit
6. Inflatable vest replaced with smaller inflatable bow ties
5. Plane can't take off until you lose 20 pounds
4. In-flight entertainment: watching two fat guys fight for an armrest
3. Flight attendants wearing clothes you packed
2. The pilot — Andy Dick
1. During the captain's preflight checklist, you hear him say, "close enough"
Batman: "I wasn't scared in the least."
Robin: "Not at all?"
Batman: "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?"
Robin: "Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!"
Batman: "I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."
*** Robin: "You can't get away from Batman that easy!"
Batman: "Good grammar is essential, Robin."
Robin: "Thank you."
Batman: "You're welcome."
*** Robin: "Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know."
Batman: "I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives."
"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." - J. Paul Getty
China has announced that they’re shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer — so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: “Sorry, but for the next few months, you’re going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else.” - Conan O'Brien
10. "You're going to have to put on a top — oh, sorry, sir"
9. "Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water"
8. "Due to the mortgage crisis, we're foreclosing your sand castle"
7. "We're out of mayo; use the Coppertone"
6. "Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin"
5. "The water? It's about 11 miles that way"
4. "I know you're not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?"
3. "Giant squid! Run for your lives!"
2. "Are you here for the Al Qaeda summer picnic?"
1. "Now where did I bury Grandpa?"
10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever
By Carl Megill
Being a single guy isn't easy these days. In the long run, it's always the woman who makes the final decision as to whether or not anything is going to happen. Using the correct pick-up line to attract a woman's attention is very important. There are so many out there, it's hard to pick the right one. So, instead of a list of pick-up lines that work, here is a list of ten lines that definitely won't work and the responses that were received. How do I know? Let's just say, some fool went out there and tried them. Okay, it was for experimental purposes.
Of course, always avoid the obvious and overdone ones like "What's your sign?" Responses to this one could range from "Keep out" to "Toll road." You don't want to get shot down before you've even had a chance to show her what a total idiot you can be. So, avoid the following:
1. Your place or mine. Response: Yours. Wait for me. If I'm not there in an hour, start without me.
2. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? Response: If I told you that you were a moron, would you go away?
3. Congratulations. You have been voted "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World" and first prize is a night with me. Response: What's second prize? Two nights with you?
4. I only have three months to live. Response: Where can I send the flowers?
5. You know what I like about you? My arms. Response: You know what I like about you? Nothing.
6. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Response: What would I have to know to get the rest of you taken away?
7. My lips are registered weapons. Response: Do me a favor. Try pointing them towards your head and blow your brains out.
8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Response: Walk by again and this time, don't stop until you've crossed the state line.
9. Hi, can I buy you a car? (No response, but this one cost me three Kias.)
10. Pardon me, miss, but I seemed to have misplaced my phone number. Could I borrow yours? (Again, no response and I actually did get a phone number. When I called it, the next day, it was for Jenny Craig.)
So, there you go; ten pick-up lines to stay away from. If you have used some pick-up lines that didn't work, or if you've had some unusual ones used on you, I'd love to hear from you. After all, it's important that we share in these troubled times. Besides, I might be able to get another column out of this.
10. "It's so hot, the Statue of Liberty is holding a Jamba Juice"
9. "It's so hot, President Bush fanned himself with unread intelligence memos"
8. "It's so hot, Scott McClellan has written a scathing book crticizing the sun"
7. "It's so hot, Exxon is charging $4 a gallon for ice"
6. "It's so hot, Iron Man's suit left grill marks on his ass"
5. "It's so hot, instead of being stuck on the runway, JetBlue flights were stuck to the runway"
4. "It's so hot, Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president of Antarctica"
3. "No number 3 — writer passed out from heat exhaustion
2. "It's so hot, guys are climbing The New York Times building just for the breeze"
1. "It's so hot, those sluts from 'Sex and the City' are sleeping with Ben & Jerry"
* pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.
* Consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
* Have someone do something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say 'good boy'.
10."Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs Cialis"
9. "185 million dollar budget — there better be some damn monkeys"
8. "Dude, why the hell are you dressed as Spock?"
7. "I can't wait for the next one in 2027"
6. "Is this the movie about those four women who go slutting around New York City?"
5. "If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies — zing!"
4. "Yes, Harrison, you're eligible for the senior citizen discount"
3. No number 3 — writer waiting in line to see new Indiana Jones movie
2. "If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally"
1. "Shouldn't you be at the White House, Mr. President?"
“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” - George Bernard Shaw
* "A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skillexcept for learning how to grow in rows."- Doug Larson
* "A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of." - T.H. Everett
* A Veggie New Age Song:
Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.
* "Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
* "Barbra Streisand is 66 years old today. She’s going to have to change her song titles to stay connected to her age group: “Memories. I Don’t Have Any Memories.”
* “You Don’t Bring Me Cortisone Anymore.”
* Barbra is very powerful in Hollywood. She’s considered a diva. She’s one of the great female singers of our generation: Barbra, Cher, Elton John . . .
* "These trips can be kind of tricky; often there can be some confusion and embarrassment. The Pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain." - David Letterman
10. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one
9. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake
8. Driver's license photos larger to include all chins
7. Broadway's Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie
6. Robotic voice in the subway says, "Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass"
5. Thousands of "potholes" are actually footprints in the pavement
4. 97% of ATM passwords are either "fudge" or "bacon"
3. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes
2. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes
1. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger
* "Please excuse Joyce from jim today".
* “Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
* “Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”
* "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
Read about these crafty squirrels Here at Discovery.com!
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
10.This guy is hilarious, but seriously, who's your president?
9. I'd like to "emancipate" Angelina Jolie
8. Sweet merciful Lord, these Applebee's riblets are delicious
7. I hope the writers' strike is over! I need my "Desperate Housewives"
6. The framers of the Constitution would care less about who injected what in their ass
5. I'm here to unite our great nation over unbelievable deals on brand-name mattresses
4. Good heavens, McCain is still around?
3. What's with the freakishly short hats?
2. Speaking of ancient dead guys, how's Letterman doing?
1. Seriously, what the hell is happening on "Lost"?
* Bob took time from work By bourbon required Then he took to the road Now he's semi-retired
* On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune
* Johann Bach Musician Still decomposing After all these years
* Dapper Dan Was a lady's man And known for miles around But he slept with Pearl, The Gambler's girl, He now lies six feet under ground
* Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let"s make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain