Twenty-eight years old! That shows you how quickly things can change. Britney is now back on top of her game and Tiger Woods is in the tabloids for crashing his car. Who could have seen . . . - Jay Leno
Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.
With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn't consider dying.
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, dear; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!
*** Courtesy of "Lila." R.I.P. November 1st 2009. You won't be forgotten!
And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it,
And the fetters gave him welts,
And they named America after somebody else.
~Ogden Nash, Columbus
* A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
* All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
* The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
* Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
As for the kitchen, you may want to eat out. You can use the separate entrance to my backyard where it is located. This DOES NOT mean you have free access to my backyard though. What you are renting is the room at this is it. It is okay to use the backyard but keep it mind that first and foremost, it is mine.
Please, applicants under 160lbs only please. It is a sturdy building but lets not take any chances.
- cats are OK - purrr
- dogs are OK - wooof
- Location: Parkdale
* Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
* There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town-hall meeting because she wouldn’t stop yelling at him. So I’m guessing he still hasn’t patched things up with Sarah Palin.
* Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America’s future that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, “I had this exact same feeling in 1776.”
* It’s been reported that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies.
* Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."* A Policeman pulled a car over and asked the man driving why she was going 70 mph in a 50 mph zone?
"I was only going 50!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the police officer replied.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back in anger.
"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's sexy wife leaned toward the window and said,
"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."* A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through automated radar.
A $100 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $100.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.* On a rural road a police man pulled a farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.
Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.
This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.
- Location: DC, MD, VA
* I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
* I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
* Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
* Spare no expense to save money on this one.
It’s Belgian Independence Day. They’ve given the world so much . . . the Belgian waffle . . . but it’s great.
Belgium is a nice place, though. It’s the place people go to when they’re on their way to another place, a place they’re going to spend more time at. It’s kind of the Jennifer Aniston of countries.
Belgium is the Mexico of the Netherlands.
In parts of Belgium they still speak Flemish. It’s a language based entirely on flem.
A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
- Joan Rivers
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. - Steven Wright
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” - George Carlin
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?" - Anon
The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.
After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only 'orphans' that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops??
Take a look.....
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs10. Octomom babysitter
9. Mel Gibson divorce lawyer
8. Assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
7. Susan Boyle groomer
6. Second assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
5. Dick Cheney hunting buddy (4th year on the list)
4. 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' marriage counselor
3. No number 3 - writer left to work for Conan
2. General Motors CEO
1. Proofreader for George W. Bush's memoir
* "When we started this show my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight."
* "I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time."
-Leno's new hour-long comedy show will premiere on NBC at the 10 p.m. timeslot on a date to be announced in September.
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious.
Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think,
'Why didn't I see him immediately?'
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half
of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and
1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute
and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type
of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your girlfriend called.