This is My Philosophy Also...

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller

Craig Ferguson Funnies

* It’s Carly Simon’s and George Michael’s birthday today. Both are very different of course — one’s an older woman who apparently slept her way through Hollywood . . . the other’s Carly Simon.

* The Dutch think the world’s going to end on Dec. 12, 2012. It has to do with the Mayan calendar. That and a lot of pot smoking.

* The Democrats have announced there will be no fried foods at their conventions. Hooray! That means Al Gore won’t be there.

Is This You?

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

Incompetent Attorney vs Competent Attorney

"An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer." - Evelle J. Younger

What Does An Economist Do?

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. - Alfred A. Knopf

You Can't Live Without Me?

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? - Cynthia Heimel

Happy Birthday to Paula Abdul

Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday to Paula Abdul — 46 years old today. If you’re looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from Bed Bath & Waaaay Beyond. - David Letterman

It's Kind of a Wash

"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at the campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash." - Jay Leno

Gratitude and Picnics

“We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.” - Bill Vaughn

On Father's Day John McCain...

"Yesterday was Father’s Day and John McCain made plans to spend it with his grandchildren. Unfortunately, McCain’s grandchildren couldn’t make it because they spent the day with their grandchildren. " - Conan O'Brien

McCain Targeting Hilly Supporters

John McCain is going after the Hillary Clinton female voters. Today, he was campaigning in a pantsuit. - David Letterman

A Perfect Summer Day

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” - James Dent

If This Isn't The Truth I Don't Know What Is!

"Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened." - Rita Rudner

After Exhausting All Other Alternatives.....

"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." - Abba Eban

The One Magic Phrase

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever

10 Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever
By Carl Megill

Being a single guy isn't easy these days. In the long run, it's always the woman who makes the final decision as to whether or not anything is going to happen. Using the correct pick-up line to attract a woman's attention is very important. There are so many out there, it's hard to pick the right one. So, instead of a list of pick-up lines that work, here is a list of ten lines that definitely won't work and the responses that were received. How do I know? Let's just say, some fool went out there and tried them. Okay, it was for experimental purposes.

Of course, always avoid the obvious and overdone ones like "What's your sign?" Responses to this one could range from "Keep out" to "Toll road." You don't want to get shot down before you've even had a chance to show her what a total idiot you can be. So, avoid the following:

1. Your place or mine. Response: Yours. Wait for me. If I'm not there in an hour, start without me.

2. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? Response: If I told you that you were a moron, would you go away?

3. Congratulations. You have been voted "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World" and first prize is a night with me. Response: What's second prize? Two nights with you?

4. I only have three months to live. Response: Where can I send the flowers?

5. You know what I like about you? My arms. Response: You know what I like about you? Nothing.

6. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Response: What would I have to know to get the rest of you taken away?

7. My lips are registered weapons. Response: Do me a favor. Try pointing them towards your head and blow your brains out.

8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Response: Walk by again and this time, don't stop until you've crossed the state line.

9. Hi, can I buy you a car? (No response, but this one cost me three Kias.)

10. Pardon me, miss, but I seemed to have misplaced my phone number. Could I borrow yours? (Again, no response and I actually did get a phone number. When I called it, the next day, it was for Jenny Craig.)

So, there you go; ten pick-up lines to stay away from. If you have used some pick-up lines that didn't work, or if you've had some unusual ones used on you, I'd love to hear from you. After all, it's important that we share in these troubled times. Besides, I might be able to get another column out of this.

A Woman Should Never.....

“A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands.” - Lord Byron

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Answers To The Question "How Hot Is It?"

10. "It's so hot, the Statue of Liberty is holding a Jamba Juice"
9. "It's so hot, President Bush fanned himself with unread intelligence memos"
8. "It's so hot, Scott McClellan has written a scathing book crticizing the sun"
7. "It's so hot, Exxon is charging $4 a gallon for ice"
6. "It's so hot, Iron Man's suit left grill marks on his ass"
5. "It's so hot, instead of being stuck on the runway, JetBlue flights were stuck to the runway"
4. "It's so hot, Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president of Antarctica"
3. "No number 3 — writer passed out from heat exhaustion
2. "It's so hot, guys are climbing The New York Times building just for the breeze"
1. "It's so hot, those sluts from 'Sex and the City' are sleeping with Ben & Jerry"

Big Business

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. - Dave Barry

Horses, Horses, Horses

You Know You're a little too close to your horse if you:

* pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,000 pick-up truck.

* Consider a golf course as a waste of good pasture land.

* Have someone do something nice for you and you pat them on the neck and say 'good boy'.

Rodney D.

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” - Rodney Dangerfield

If You're in A War...

“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.” - Jack Handy

McCain Looking For Donors!

"John McCain is actively campaigning across the country. He’s looking for donors — mostly organ donors. " - Craig Ferguson

The Thing on Donald Trump's Head

"You can tell it’s summer, because earlier today at the beach, that thing on Donald Trump’s head? It chased a tennis ball into the surf. " - David Letterman

Sick of Following Dreams

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. - Mitch Heberg

Crops Failing?

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. - Fred Allen

Paris Hilton: What Every Woman Should Have

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” - Paris Hilton

Don't Be So Humble.....

“Don't be so humble, you're not that great.” - Golda Meir