Mae West-His Mother Should Have .....

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. - Mae West

Bring Back Drive-Ins?

They brought back the 3-D movies, so why can’t they bring back the drive-in movies? I know why: Toyotas. - Craig Ferguson

She Got Her Looks from Her Father

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon." - Groucho

Berle-You Can Lead a Man to Congress But.....

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle

Letterman Funnies

The 2010 Census is coming up. There are some changes this year. Under gender, you can choose between male, female, or Gaga.

You have to include everyone that lives in your house, or even sleeps part-time in your house. You know, like Sandra Bullock’s husband.

Behind Every Great Man ...

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey

Walmart Greeter Standards

A Wal-Mart employee in Michigan was fired after he tested positive for medical marijuana. Customers at his store were like, "I knew the official greeting wasn't 'Wassup bro?'" - Jimmy Fallon

More Troubles for Rodney

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. - Rodney D.

Alan King-Marriage is.....

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. - Alan King

Leno on Mexican Drug Gans and Babies

Government officials are warning spring breakers about violence from Mexican drug gangs. They say to stay out of L.A.

According to researchers in London, babies are born to dance, and they greatly prefer music to speech. The music the like best is Lady Gaga.

More Leno.....

New York Gov. David Paterson is under investigation for accepting free Yankees tickets to the World Series. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to free Mets tickets.

The House has passed a $15 billion jobs bill. The bad news is, all of those new jobs are fixing Toyotas.

Just two days after being told by his doctor to cut down on his cholesterol, President Obama went to a Savannah restaurant and had a meal that included fried chicken and blueberry pudding. That’s why he’s in favor of healthcare, he’s going to need it.

Erma and Phyllis

Erma: How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Phyllis: Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Erma: I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Phyllis: Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Erma: My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Erma: Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Return of Leno

Keanu Reeves will star in “Speed 3.” The first “Speed” was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota.

Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks.

There is a new breakfast cereal out called “Chocolate Cheerios.” Has Cheerios totally given up? Isn’t that just donuts and milk?