Join The Nap Club

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

Self-Healing Plastic

Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die. - Tina Fey

Women's Trouble

The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing...and then marry him! - Cher

Everything Going Well?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
- Steven Wright

Happy Thanksgiving!

*** My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

*** Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. - Kevin James

Seasonal Humor

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

Top Ten From David Letterman's Late Show:

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Thanksgiving Dinners

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

Either Way It Takes a Big Man

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handy

Tennessee Williams: Watch Out For The Witch and The...

“A witch and a bitch always dress up for each other, because otherwise the witch would upstage the bitch, or the bitch would upstage the witch, and the result would be havoc” - Tennessee Williams

The History of Glue

"I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down." - Tim Vine

Steven Just Got Out of The Hospital

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark." - Steven Wright

Never Judge...

Never judge a book by its movie. - J.W. Eagan

Dave Barry-Blood Type vs. Beverly Hillbillies

If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'. - Dave Barry

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win The New York City Marathon

From David Letterman's "Late Show":

Top Ten Signs You Won't Win The New York City Marathon:

10. You frequently hear "Outta the way lard ass!"
9. Every couple of miles you stop and ask for directions.
8. You pulled a hamstring filling out the application.
7. Before the race, you eat a PowerBar with extra cheese.
6. You still haven't finished the 2006 New York City Marathon.
5. In trying situations you ask yourself, "What would Rosie O'Donnell do?"
4. Some runners are sponsored by Adidas. You're sponsored by Chips Ahoy.
3. You're frequently mistaken for the fat guy from "Lost."
2. Made you own steroids out of Red Bull and Super Glue.
1. You've been carbo-loading for 30 years.

Clear Conscience?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright

It Might Be The Light

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I amdoing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?