Ice Cream & Pastries All Day!

Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream and Starbucks was giving out free pastries all day. Everyone is getting cocky because we have free health insurance. - Craig Ferguson

Leno's Latest Funnies.....

Spirit Airlines announced it’s going to install non-reclining seats in their airplanes. They came up with this last month after they saw a passenger that looked comfortable.

These are the same people that are charging $45 for a carry-on bag. Maybe Spirit Airlines should change their name to “Mean-Spirited Airlines.”

Can't Feel Anything Til Noon.....

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.  - Bob Hope

Watch What You Say in Front of The Parrot

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

Craig Ferguson Funnies.....

*  A woman in Ohio says she opened a can of SpaghettiOs and found a dead rat. You know what’s even more disgusting — she also found SpaghettiOs.

*  The airports in Europe are closed due to the volcano erupting. Smoke and ash is spreading all over Europe. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus.

*  You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah.

Steven Wright on Darwin

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright

When Rodney Worked in a Pet Store.....

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. - Rodney

Ferguson on Larry King's Divorce

More details are coming out about Larry King’s divorce. I’m friendly with Larry King and making fun of him would be wrong. So I’m going to do the right thing — and stop being friends with him.

Apparently, Larry’s estranged wife says he cheated on her with her sister. He probably just didn’t have on his glasses.

Larry has been married eight times. Liz Taylor was also married eight times. Both Taylor and King are single right now, and scientists are saying this is the first time that has happened in over 200 years.

Just Promise Tiger

I just read that the number of female multi-millionaires has risen by 40 percent in the last five years. Most did it through hard work and innovation, while other women just promised Tiger they wouldn’t say anything. - Jimmy Fallon

KFC Double Down Sandwich

As if we are not fat enough, Kentucky Fried Chicken is about to release its “Double Down” sandwich. It’s a bacon and cheese sandwich and the bun is two pieces of fried chicken. After you eat it, you go from KFC to the ICU where you’re pronounced DOA. - Leno

The Roman Empire and Hippies

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. - Dave Barry

Mt. Everest

In 2001, a blind American climber reached the summit of Mount Everest. At least that’s what they told him. - Craig Ferguson

The Bed is a Bundle of Paradoxes

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. - Ogden Nash