Classic Funny Quotes: December 2011

Bravo?

Whenever I accidentally watch the Bravo channel, the last thing that comes to mind is the word, "Bravo!" - Jim Gaffigan

Agreed Marge...

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. - Marge Simpson

Groovin' Dog

Dog grooving to his owner's guitar music, seems upset when the music stops!

Nah!

Has anyone ever visited Wisconsin and lost weight? - Jim Gaffigan

A Survey Released Today Found.......

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. - Leno

Raw Cookie Dough Warning...

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? - Jay Leno

Dear God, Please Send Clothes.......

All Out Ban on Cell Phone Use While Driving

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was coming into work this morning. - Leno

In Ancient Mythology.....

In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within matter of minutes. Nowadays we call that a Kardashian marriage. - Craig Ferguson

Employees at Pepsi.......

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. - Leno

Dave Barry on Glee

Am I the only person troubled by the fact that the "students" on "Glee" are 27? OK, then, carry on. - Dave Barry

Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work.....

Update on Holiday Party: Judy went to check out the old abandoned mental hospital location. That was 3 days ago. We'll keep you posted!

Lance, you can't just "decide" it's time to play dodgeball in the office by nailing Judy in the face. (Nice shot, BTW.)

Denise is stuck on the inside of the vending machine again. Please contact Facilities.

Remember, every day is a new chance to strangle your childhood dreams with the drab, gray hands of your office job!

Are You This Type of Driver.....

I'm willing to bet that "Gotta make it to a toilet!" drivers have caused more accidents than texters, drunks, and road-ragers combined. - David Coggeshall, Screenwriter

FDA Cracks Down On ........

FDA cracks down on sperm donor who fathered 14 kids. Wait a second - is that the FDA or the NBA? - Denis Leary

Someone Hacked into Facebook.......

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them. - Conan O'Brien

3 Lucky Standby Passengers......

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up Three seats for standby passengers. - Craig Ferguson

Joan's Current Celeb Smackdowns!

Hey, Winona Ryder, just a reminder: There are only 21 more shoplifting days left till Christmas.

Just read that fans of jailed doctor Conrad Murray sent him a cake with a file inside. He sent it back and asked for a rape whistle instead.

I love that Lady Gaga pours Cheerios over her naked body in her new video. I just think the more appropriate cereal would have been Trix.

Dave Barry's Gift Guide

The holiday season is a time of traditions. Here in America, the most popular holiday tradition, observed by millions, is to celebrate the birth of Jesus by going to a Walmart at 4 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving and getting into fistfights over steeply discounted TV sets.

* Editor: Check out Dave Barry's Gift Guide by clicking on the link below. Very Funny!