Joan Rivers Says.....

Why do I always get the ugliest Xmas gifts? You know it's bad when the nicest thing you can say is, "I'd be so upset if this caught fire."

I hate bad Christmas gifts. I just got Susan Boyle’s new book of styling tips. Tip #33: How to turn a shopping bag into a smart accessory.

Congress overturned "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" and I’m very excited. Civil rights aside, I can’t wait to see the Army’s spring looks.

Lisa Lampanelli Funnies.....

Obama praises Eagles for giving Vick a 2nd chance. Family dog, Bo, immediately goes into hiding in White House!

*  Gillette drops Tiger endorsement, joins Gatorade & Tag Heuer. Look 4 a bearded, dehydrated Woods with no sense of time on a golf course near you!

84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he’s the same age as Jesus!

Creative Snowman Design

Justin Bieber and the Los Angeles Rains

It’s been raining so hard that the rain briefly washed the hair out of Justin Bieber’s eyes. - Conan

Home Simpson Wisdom...

"People can come up with statistics to prove anything...Forty percent of all people know that." – Homer Simpson.

Sandwich Named After Tiger Woods

I ate dinner at the Stage Deli the other night. I had the sandwich named for Tiger Woods. It consists of 8 different pieces of meat. - Joan Rivers

Conan Funnies

After a long and illustrious career, this is Larry King’s last week on TV. Larry said the call-in portion of his show really took off after they invented the telephone.

Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah

Costco will no longer sell Apple products in their stores. Apparently, nobody wants a 124-pack of iPads.  

Bill Eichner Funnies...

All you need to know about America is that before you wake up tomorrow a large number of people will have already died in a shopping stampede.

Looking for a new verb? Whenever you're sitting around being talentless and famous for absolutely no reason, you're Kardashian'.

My sister just went through security at JFK and now she's pregnant. 

If There's One Thing That's Reassuring.....

Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there’s one thing that’s reassuring, it’s seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter. - Jimmy Fallon

Charles Manson Hiding a Cell Phone.....

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under his mattress in prison. And you thought it was creepy getting a text message from Brett Favre. - Conan

Jimmy Fallon Funnies

Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it’s not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, go outside and look at something.

 A scientist in the U.K. has figured out that April 11, 1954 was the most boring day in history. Which is why I’ve started calling “Skating With The Stars” the “April 11, 1954 of TV shows.”

A new study found that good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons. And ugly people are more likely to have cats.

Requesting Seconds on Pat-Downs!

It’s so cold in St. Louis that travelers are requesting seconds on TSA pat-downs just to stay warm. - Craig Ferguson

Joan's Dentist is Greedy.....

About to deliver a lecture to dentists from around the world. My dentist is very greedy. He offers his patients candy while they're waiting.

On my way to Florida and I'm a bit cranky. Pushed ahead of 12 wheelchairs while boarding....ALL of whom got out and strutted onto the plane.

I am so excited to be performing in Florida tonight. It is one of the few places I go where I get to feel young. 

Brett Favre-Two More Years

The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years. - Conan

Jay Leno Funnies...

There’s a Nerf automatic dart gun that fires 60 darts in 20 seconds. Our kids are so fat now that it takes 60 darts to take them down.

Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks.

WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.

A man was arrested on Black Friday at a Walmart in Palm Beach, Fla. carrying a gun, two knives, and a grenade. Residents of Palm Beach were stunned and said, “We have a Walmart here?”