Angry With Her Psychics!

Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes $10 million in back taxes. She's angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up. - Jimmy Fallon

The Price is Right....

When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy. - Jim Gaffigan

Pricey IQ Test for Dogs?

A company in North Carolina is selling a $60 IQ test that people can give their dogs. If you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe YOU should take that IQ test. - Jimmy Fallon

Carnival Cruise Celebrates

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. - Leno

Jay Leno Woke Up This Morning to ...

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan's back in court again. - Jay Leno

Vatican Smoke FAQ

When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs. - David Letterman

Dining at IKEA?

Last week horse meat was discovered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store. - Conan O'Brien

Screen Writer David Coffeshall Wonders.....

Spent the past 20 minutes googling how to sharpen an ax blade, so I'm guessing I'm on some sort of serial killer watch-list now. - Screen Writer David Coggeshall

Can't Wait!

Can't wait to see former Pope Benedict on Dancing With The Stars! - Jim Gaffigan

Too Much Information!

Took a Carnival Cruise. Some people were on the Fantasy. Others were on the Ecstasy. I was on the Hysterectomy. - Rita Rudner

Paid in Peanuts?

Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving." - Conan O'Brien

Watch Where You Sit.....

When I attend the Oscars I'm on the edge of my seat. Not because I'm nominated-I just don't want to catch anything from some starlet. - Joan Rivers

Jim Gaffigan Asks.....

What is the difference between going to the airport before 7am and jumping on a grenade? - Jim Gaffigan

Then Turned Upside Down and Shaken

The inventor of the etch-a-sketch died this week. He was buried horizontally, then vertically, then horizontally. - Rita Rudner

Dan Marino

That’s the big story that broke this week — former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino fathered a secret love child back in 2005. Obviously, his wife is not too happy. In fact, he could become the first NFL player to sustain more concussions AFTER he retired. - Jay Leno

Thank You

Just explained the concept of a courtesy flush to my 7 year old son. You're welcome society. - Jim Gaffigan

Lettuce vs Kale

"How can we make lettuce taste worse?" - Inventor of Kale - Jim Gaffigan

Armstrong VS Armstrong!

Neil Armstrong said,"1 small step for man 1giant step for mankind." Lance Armstrong said,"Can I borrow your urine?" - Rita Rudner

Woods Wants to Marry Ex-Wife

Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow. - Conan O'Brien

Joan Rivers Latest Funnies.....

Jodie Foster says she plans to tell her two sons who their father is when they turn 21. Fifty bucks says it's Ellen DeGeneres.

Fair is fair. Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France while Oprah used him to win her time slot. 

My doctor told me that this flu epidemic is a lot like the Kardashians: It's not going away anytime soon


Taylor Swift took home The People's Choice Award last night. Broke up with it this morning. - Rita Rudner

7 NFL Coaches Fired

This has been a tough week for NFL coaches. Seven NFL head coaches got fired on Monday. That's a lot of job openings. That's the most job openings we've had in this country in the last four years. - Jay Leno