Boozy Chimp Needs Rehab!

MOSCOW - A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday. An ex-performer, Zhora became aggressive at his circus and was transferred to a zoo in the southern Russian city of Rostov, where he fathered several baby chimps, learned to draw with markers and picked up his two vices.

"The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze," the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.

It added he has now been transferred to the city of Kazan, about 800 km (500 miles) east of Moscow, for rehabilitation treatment.

Actual Craigslist Ad: Cockroaches

I found four cockroaches in a box of Triscuit a few months back, I hate to have to get rid of them but I'm moving to a smaller place and won't really have the room for them any more. All four of them (Mingus, Dinky, Cleopatra, and Prickly Pete) are house trained and need nothing more than some rotting garbage and an occasional scratch behind the antennae. Rehoming fee of $15 each or $50 for all four, as I would like to see them all stay together.

The Charming Alfred Hitchcock

* Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.

* When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.'

* Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.

Vintage Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Take my wife... Please!

Olympics Week-Ski Quotes!

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. - Erma Bombeck

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. - Dave Barry

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. - Steven Wright

The sport of skiing consists of wearing three thousand dollars' worth of clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and get drunk. - P.J. O'Rourke

Burglars Love Reebok Shoes.....

A new study found that the Reebok Classic is the most popular shoe worn by burglars. The second most popular shoe worn by burglars: Yours. - Jimmy Fallon

Dog Named Stay

I named my dog 'Stay' . . . so I can say "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." - Steven Wright

He Turned Himself In

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

You Know You're a Redneck If.....

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

The Elephant Artist

Un Eléphant réussi à peindre son autoportrait !
Uploaded by BriKO. - Click for more funny videos.

Sir Charles Barkley

You know it's going to hell when the best rapper out there is white and the best golfer is black. - Sir Charles Barkley

Leno Quotes

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage.

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn’t stop.

Chocolate!

* Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

* Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen!

* Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt. -Sandra Boynton, author of Chocolate: the Consuming Passion