May All Your Troubles....
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." - Joey Adams
Jay Leno-New Years's Eve
"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." - Jay Leno
Youth, Middle Age and New Year's Eve
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." - Bill Vaughn
Samuel Goldwyn
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. - Samuel Goldwyn
She Had Lost...
She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw
Dave Barry's Physical
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. - Dave Barry
Unlimited Stupidity
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits" - Albert Einstein
Psychics and Bent Coils
"I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil." - Uri Geller
Unwrapping Wrap
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. - Steven Wright
The One Thing....
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. " - Joan Rivers
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanakkuh!
Editor Pat: I hope all the readers of Classic Funny Quotes enjoy your Holiday weekend and family time! Relax and think about the blessings in your life.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." - David Letterman
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." - David Letterman
Speed-Reading Accident!
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. - Steven Wright
Men and Directions
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. - Elayne Boosler
W.C. Fields-6 or 7
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields
Drunk vs. Ugly
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill
The Power of Positive Thinking!
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? - Ronnie Shakes
As You Get Older....
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. - Carrie Fisher
Robert Frost-The Brain
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost
The Worm Sermon
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Christmas Day
The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack. - John Cleese
Electricity
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry
Boxing
"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious." - Alan Winter
Nouvelle Cuisine
Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry. - Mike Kalin
Lets Hear it For Plumbers!
"Why do actors think they are so damn important? They're not. Acting is not an important job in the scheme of things. Plumbing is." - Spencer Tracy
Should We Really Cheer?
"A good bra is a huge struggle to find. I like sheer bras that you can see my nipples through, but ABC has a big problem with those. But you know what? Since [Desperate Housewives] a hit now, everyone seems to be perfectly happy with them and I haven't been getting any nipple notes. Cheers to my nipples." - Teri Hatcher
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