Rita's Mother's Turkey

“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before” - Rita Rudner

Dave Barry-Aerobics

“The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom” - Dave Barry

Ain't It The Truth

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists. - Leslie Moak Murray

Life or Dessert?

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. - Ernestine Ulmer

Moments Free of Worry?

We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. - Cullen Hightower

Experience?

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams

Age

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. - Billie Burke

Yes, There's California

There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California. - Edward Abbey

How Many Masterpieces Were Mistakes?

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. - Scott Adams

Bob Hope's Hope

"I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there." - Bob Hope, about his golfing

Steven Wright's Neighbors are...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! - Steven Wright

Just Show Me Somebody Naked

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

A Price To Pay

"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity." - Tom Stoppard

Humor From The Horsey Set!

* Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.

* Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she'll never be a nag.

* The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

*** 13 Good Reasons To Choose a Horse Over a Husband:

If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Dave Barry-Camping

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry

Are We Having Fun Yet?

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. - Jerry Seinfeld

Beware The Small Print!

"The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away." - Tom Waits

There's No Cure

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." - Dorothy Parker

Family Ghosts

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. - Ashleigh Brilliant

All Creatures Great and Small...

"Cockroaches really put my "all creatures great and small" creed to the test." - Astrid Alauda

Beware The Bus

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. - Bob Rubin

PC vs Dog

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson

Poor Cindy...

You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. - Cindy Crawford

Do The Rules Require That All of Them Drown?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? - Steven Wright

Husband or Bike?

"The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community." - Ann Strong

Corporation

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. - Ambrose Bierce