Watch Out for Dinner Parties!

The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties. - Carol Matthau

Jay Leno Quote

“Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'” - Jay Leno

Another Gem from Old Sam!

“Mr. Goldwyn's secretary was cleaning out his file cabinets one day. She asked Samuel if she could toss out the files that have been inactive for more than 10 years. He answered, 'Of course, but make sure you keep copies.'” - Samuel Goldwyn

Success-Great Deordorant

Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your past smells. - Elizabeth Taylor

Rita Rudner: Warning Labels and Pregnancy

"They're trying to put warning labels on liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way" - Rita Rudner

Dave Barry: News Stories

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.” - Dave Barry

Mark Twain: Fools vs. Lightning

“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.” - Mark Twain

Voted World's Funniest Joke!?!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Beware Boston

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there." - Fred Allen

Steven Wright

"I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?" - Steven Wright

Dave Barry: The Invention of Cooking

"Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw." - Dave Barry

Jeff Foxworthy-Married For Looks But....

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.” - Jeff Foxworthy

Desi Arnaz-Latin Tempers

My Latin temper blows up pretty fast, but it goes down just as fast. Maybe that's why you seldom hear of ulcers in Latin America. - Desi Arnaz

More of Sam Goldwyn

"Include me out" - Samuel Goldwyn

Lauren Bacall: Find Her a Man

Find me a man who's interesting enough to have dinner with and I'll be happy. - Lauren Bacall