Conan Dissing Walmart Shoppers!

A Florida man was recently arrested for taking up-skirt shots at Wal-Mart. It will come to trial as soon as they can find 12 jurors willing to look at up-skirt shots of Wal-Mart shoppers. - Conan O'Brien

After 1?

If God didn’t want us to eat late at night why did he make everything taste better at 1am? - Jim Gaffigan

Dave Barry on LinkedIn

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn. - Dave Barry

Ot Oh!

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it's a nickname they give you based on your search history. - Jay Leno

Joan Rivers & Plastic Surgery

I believe plastic surgery is Daylight Savings Time for your face. Tune in tonight as I try to set the old clock back again.

Plastic Surgery-I’ve got a decision to make. Time for me to put on a brave face. There are doctors who can do that for you now, right? 

My face is like the L.A. 405 freeway! They’ve been working on it for years and it never seems to get done.

Bedtime Equals.....

The word “bedtime” is like a Red Bull for my children. - Jim Gaffigan

Betty White Turns 90!

"Betty, you're going to hear a lot of jokes tonight about your age. But take comfort in the fact that come tomorrow, you won't remember any of them." - Amy Poehler

"Like many of you, I first heard about Betty from the wonderful stories told to me by my grandmother." - Carol Burnett

"I've been the luckiest old broad on two feet to have all the jobs that I've had," White gushed. - Betty White

Rat Hopping at Mickey D's

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. - David Letterman

There's a New App...

There's a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. - Jay Leno

Burger King Delivers

If you live in New York City, Burger King, home of the Whopper, now delivers. Well, think about it. I mean, some nights you just don't have the energy to get all dressed up and go out to dinner at Burger King - David Letterman

Never Use Profanities Except When Discussing...

I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. - Mark Twain

No Earthquake in San Fran

Enjoying San Francisco! I know there's no earthquake happening since my thighs aren't wobbling! - Joan Rivers

After All These Years.....

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure. - Jay Leno

Late Show Top Ten-Little Known Facts About Tim Tebow

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Tim Tebow

Fell to Earth after his home planet Krypton exploded
Throws left, prays right
For breakfast has Icy Hot on toast
If you tell him your street address, he'll tell you the value of your home
Currently ninth on the Kim Kardashian athlete waiting List
Back in college, threw a football 20 yards!
One time, lost his temper and said "Darn it!"
Distracts defenders by flashing his beautiful, piercing blue eyes
Justin Bieber fans have "Bieber Fever"; Tim Tebow fans have "The Tebola Virus"
Can turn water into Gatorade

Is It Necessary?

Is it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop? - Jim Gaffigan

More Office Humor......

You'll notice the new Page-A-Day calendars are slimmer than usual. To cut costs, we went with the Mayan version. - Twitter's Drink at Work

Debates Running Dry?

Not saying the moderators have run out of debate questions, but today on Meet The Press Ron Paul was asked to name his favorite Kardashian. - Rita Rudner

Ice Cream Work Out

Can someone go to the gym and work out for me? I’m trying to finish this pint of ice cream. Thanks. - Jim Gaffigan


If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. - Doug Larson

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day. But teach a man how to fish, and he'll be dead of mercury poisoning inside of three years. - Charles Haas

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. - Dave Barry

Meaning of Young at Heart

"Young at heart" is adspeak for "virtually dead." - Dave Barry

No Resolutions for Craig.....

If I make a resolution, I'm not going to do it. I don't like anyone telling me what to do. Even if it's me telling me what to do. So I end up breaking resolutions because I like to rebel against myself. - Craig Ferguson

Sinead O'Connor Divorcing...

Sinead O'Connor is divorcing her husband of 18 days on the grounds of irreconcilable tattoos. - Rita Rudner