May All Your Troubles....

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." - Joey Adams

Jay Leno-New Years's Eve

"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." - Jay Leno

Youth, Middle Age and New Year's Eve

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." - Bill Vaughn

Samuel Goldwyn

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. - Samuel Goldwyn

Jim Loy Quote

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. - Jim Loy

She Had Lost...

She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw

Dave Barry's Physical

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. - Dave Barry

24 hrs Misspent

Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose Bierce

Unlimited Stupidity

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits" - Albert Einstein

Psychics and Bent Coils

"I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil." - Uri Geller

Unwrapping Wrap

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. - Steven Wright

Richard Lewis-Hanukkah

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." - Richard Lewis

The One Thing....

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. " - Joan Rivers

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanakkuh!

Editor Pat: I hope all the readers of Classic Funny Quotes enjoy your Holiday weekend and family time! Relax and think about the blessings in your life.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." - David Letterman

Speed-Reading Accident!

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. - Steven Wright

Men and Directions

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. - Elayne Boosler

W.C. Fields-6 or 7

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields

Drunk vs. Ugly

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

The Power of Positive Thinking!

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? - Ronnie Shakes

As You Get Older....

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. - Carrie Fisher

Robert Frost-The Brain

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost

The Worm Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Christmas Day

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack. - John Cleese


Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry


"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious." - Alan Winter

Steven Wright-Mars

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..." - Steven Wright

Nouvelle Cuisine

Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry. - Mike Kalin


"My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off!" - Wendy Leibman

Lets Hear it For Plumbers!

"Why do actors think they are so damn important? They're not. Acting is not an important job in the scheme of things. Plumbing is." - Spencer Tracy

Should We Really Cheer?

"A good bra is a huge struggle to find. I like sheer bras that you can see my nipples through, but ABC has a big problem with those. But you know what? Since [Desperate Housewives] a hit now, everyone seems to be perfectly happy with them and I haven't been getting any nipple notes. Cheers to my nipples." - Teri Hatcher

A Blonde Moment

"I'm not anorexic, I'm from Texas! Are there anorexics in Texas?" - Jessica Simpson

Neither Here Nor There

"If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?" - Chic Murray

The Human Brain-Emo Philips

I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "What part of my body is telling me that?" - Emo Philips

3 Minute Egg

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front." - Milton Berle

Driving Distractions: Do You Need Cream and Sugar?

Driving Distractions: Do You Need Cream and Sugar?
By Don Doman

Early one morning last week while sitting at a traffic light, I watched a man eating a bowl of cereal. He carefully lifted each spoonful to his mouth and then drove off when the light changed.

I've been known to eat while driving - wadded up hamburger wrappers under the front seats give ample testimony. The large brown coffee stain on the carpet tells the tale of a sharp turn and a drink carrier stability problem. Occasionally, I clean out the neat little take-out boxes that once held prime rib sandwiches. I know about eating and driving but even I have never eaten cereal while driving, although I was once tempted to sample some doggie-bag spaghetti while driving home from a restuarant.

In our rapid-paced auto-erratic world many people save time by eating on the run. We don't want to eat right . . . we want to eat right now!

Like cell phone use, eating is a distraction and is the cause of many auto accidents, especially in the morning. Food is not so much the culprit, but rather the vehicle. Drivers on their way to work don't want to arrive at the office with a chest full of dribbles. So, they watch for globs, gobs, and drips - taking their eyes off the road.

Taco Bell has taken the need for fast-food driving to heart. Many of their new products are designed to be more drip-dry with thicker shredded cheese and crunchier taco shells that hold together better.

Here are the worst food/accident offenders:

Hot soup
Chili-covered food
Juicy hamburgers
Fried chicken
Jelly-and cream-filled donuts
Soft drinks
(Source: Haggerty Classic Insurance)

To me, chocolate is the shocker on the list. It's so easy to nibble on a chocolate bar or bon bon while driving. It seems so innocuous, but stop and think how chocolate can stain, specially on a hot day. A piece of Brown & Haley Bavarian Crème smeared on your shirt front and you're marked as a sloppy person. Dressing for success does not include food stains.

What can you do to protect yourself . . . if you want to continue to eat and drive?

Here are six things that will allow you to continue driving in the fast-food lane:

* Keep a big linen napkin in your automobile - Use the large napkin to tuck into your collar so any drips fall onto the napkin -- like a baby's bib it will help protect your clothes.
* Keep a roll of paper towels in your car - Paper towels can not only give you something to wipe your hands on, but they're also great for soaking up spills.
* Use a hardside drink container with a lid - While you can get a paper cup with a plastic lid and drink from that, what sometimes causes a spill is the weak sides of the container colapsing. A hardside container is easier to control . . . and safer.
* Find a cup holder to accomodate your favorite beverage - In most auto parts stores you can find cup holders for almost any size drinking container. By purchasing one that fits your container you will feel extra safe knowing that your cup holder will keep your container from falling, under normal conditions.
* Keep a bottle of club soda in your car - If you do spill something on your clothes, knowing that you can possibly clean it up will help alleviate some of your fears about making a mess.
* Keep a clean shirt or blouse in the auto - It's always smart to have a second set of clothes, just in case . . .

By eleminating potential problems and preparing for food accidents you can hopefully reduce distractions and worry. If you do have a massive spill, you'll feel much better knowing that you can still make that morning meeting looking nice, neat and professional . . . if you started out looking that way.

About the author:

Author Don Doman: Don is a published author of books for small business, corporate video producer, and owner of Ideas and Training (, which provides business training products. Don also owns and Human Resources Radio (, which provides business training programs and previews 24-hours a day.

They Never Argue

" My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they can't hear each other. " - Cathy Ladman

Mark Twain-I Miss My Mind

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Mark Twain

Give a Man a Fish!

"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. " - Zenna Schaffer

Control Your Turkey Intake!

"We recommend that no one eat more than two tons of turkey - that's what it would take to poison someone." - Elizabeth Whelan


What is sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey or the guinea hen. - Alice B. Toklas

The Turkey Prayer

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family. - Berke Breathed

Tea-Rudyard Kipling

"We had a kettle; we let it leak:Our not repairing made it worse.We haven't had any tea for a week...The bottom is out of the Universe." - Rudyard Kipling

Dame Sitwell-Unpopular Eel

"I am not eccentric. It's just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish." - Dame Edith Sitwell

W.C. Fields-The Clever Cat

"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath." - W.C. Fields

A Cynic-H.L. Mencken

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H.L. Mencken

Ancestry and The Potato Plant

"A man who prides himself on his ancestry is like the potato plant, the best part of which is underground" - Spanish Proverb

Kiwi Fruit-Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. - Erma Bombeck

Neon-Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. - Lenny Bruce

Fish Water

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields

Purple Cereal

"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple." - Bill Watterson

Dave Barry-Magnetism

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. - Dave Barry
"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." - Christopher Parker

All Groucho!

* "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you."

* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

* Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"

* "We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."

* Groucho: "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."
Chico: "Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."

* "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

Pointless Hillbilly Entertainment!

My Luck is So Bad That...

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Firgol

Mel Brooks Quote

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. - Mel Brooks

Rodney Dangerfield Funny

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

Peekaboo-Rita Rudner

"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner

Phyllis Diller's Mother-in-Law

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee." - Phyllis Diller

Steven Spielberg-Bookmark

"Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?" - Steven Spielberg

W.C. Fields-Gin

"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." - W.C. Fields

Monopoly-Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. - Steven Wright

Highly Offensive Jokes-Just Silly Humor

Q: What does it mean when the flag is flying half staff at the post office?
A: They're hiring!

Q: Where do Irish families go on vacation?
A: A new bar

Q: What do you call an Italian with only one arm?
A: Speech impaired

Mae West Never Worries About Diets

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

Tattoos-From Butterfly to Condor

Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor. - Billy Elmer

Jack Benny-Cannibal

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. - Jack Benny

Dean Martin-When Your Opponent....

"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table." - Dean Martin

The Aging Process...

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson

How Many Kids Does it Take To....

"Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on." - Erma Bombeck

Diplomacy-Will Rogers

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers

An Abstainer is...

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - Ambrose Bierce

Dave Barry-Socks

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark. - Dave Barry

Doug Larson-Lackadaisical

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - Doug Larson

Dilbert Jargon

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings. - Scott Adams

It Ain't What They Call You

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. - W.C. Fields

She Was So Blonde That

She Was So Blonde That

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She sold the car for gas money!

Dancing With The Cows-Groucho

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. - Groucho

Early to Rise

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. - James Thurber

Robert Benchley-Machinery

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. - Robert Benchley

P.G. Wodehouse Quote

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." - P.G. Wodehouse

A Tasteful Way to be Famous

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. - P.J. O'Rourke


"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." - Author Unknown

Hors D'oeuvres

"Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces" - Jack Benny

Henny Youngman-Baggage Request

"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" - Henny Youngman

Mr. Right

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner

Arkansas Residency Application

* Editor Pat: Don't get offended, these are just jokes and quotes intended for entertainment and not to insult anyone!

Arkansas Residency Application

Last Name: ________________ (last)

First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack

Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_) Farmer(_) Mechanic(_) Hair Dresser(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer(_) The Globe(_) TV Guide(_) Soap Opera Digest(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Rodney and Halloween

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield

Barbra Streisand Quote

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand

New York

"New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you"- Author Unknown

Phrases and Meanings

Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. - Erma Bombeck

Don't Give a Woman Advice

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. - Oscar Wilde

Dog or Child?

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen

Erma Bombeck Quote

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what! - Erma Bombeck


Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce

Beware of the Spanish-English Dictionary

In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. - Dave Barry

P.J. O'Rourke- Vegetables and Fruit

Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do. (The Bachelor Home Companion) - P. J. O' Rourke

Will Rogers-He Reports the Facts

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

Steven Wright Quote

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. - Steven Wright

Find Out if You're a Redneck Here

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

George Carlin Funny

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

Hair Upon His Chest

He may have hair upon his chest but, sister, so has Lassie. - Cole Porter

Oscar Levant-A Fierce Desire

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. - Oscar Levant

Flying With a Blonde

Flying With A Blonde

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

Give 100% At Work!

"I always give 100% at work:

13% Monday
22% Tuesday
26% Wednesday
35% Thursday
4% Friday"

- Author Unknown

The Family Parrot

"Live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." - Mark Twain


"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."- Groucho

When Birds Burp.....

"When birds burp, it must taste like bugs." - Bill Watterson

Victor Hugo Quote

"Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left." - Victor Hugo

Italy vs. Switzerland

In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. - Orson Welles

Aunt Marion Was Right

Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door. - Charles M. Schulz

Robert Benchley-Drinking

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley

Illusion and Carpets

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen

Visible Stomach Muscles-Dave Barry

What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. - Dave Barry

Phyllis Diller-You Know You're Old When

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type" - Phyllis Diller

Fred Allen-Long Walks

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen

All Women Are Crazy!

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields

When Cats Leap

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. - Alisha Everett

Steven Wright-Insane Neighbors

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - Steven Wright

Suggestion For New Zealand

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. - Lewis Black

George Burns Wisdom

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns

What's With You Men?

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? - Erma Bombeck

Billy Barty Quote

The name of my condition is Cartilage Hair Syndrome Hypoplasia, but you can just call me Billy. - Billy Barty

Cathy Guisewite Funny

"Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups." - Cathy Guisewite

Lewis Grizzard-Life is....

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." - Lewis Grizzard

Grandmother Doesn't Need Glasses

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman

Ernie Kovacs

Nothing In moderation. - Ernie Kovacs

Jeff Foxworthy Funny

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. - Jeff Foxworthy

Scott Adams Funny

In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. - Scott Adams

Don't Tell Your Kids

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.' - Joan Rivers

Bridegooms Anonymous

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin

Rodney-No Respect From Wife

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

Jay London-Hair Loss

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. - Jay London

A Neurotic Man

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. - Jerome Lawrence

Woody allen-He's Astounded!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

Rita Rudner-Cosmetic Surgery

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. - Rita Rudner

W.C. Fields and His Life

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. - W.C. Fields

Lenny Bruce Quote

When you're eight years old nothing is your business. - Lenny Bruce

Poetry and Luggage

"Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O'Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it" - Russell Baker

Mark Russell-Athletes Who Pray

"I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner." - Mark Russell

Pets Instead of Husband

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli

24 Hour Grocery-Steven Wright

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright

If The Mouse Laughs

"When the mouse laughs at the cat there is a hole nearby" - Nigerian Proverb

Jay Leno-15 Women

"The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down." - Jay Leno

How To Be Boss-Robert Frost

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

Jay London's Boss

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. - Jay London

They Know Who's Boss

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. - Tina Fey

Woody is The Boss

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Uncle Miltie- The Company Accountant

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Uncle Miltie (Berle)

Robert Benchley Succeeded

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. - Robert Benchley

Doug Larson Funny

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. - Doug Larson

Day-Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose Bierce

11 Alternative Garden Games

11 Alternative Garden Games
By Tom Schneider

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!

Icebreakers Game

#1: The Gnat Slap Equipment required: A garden of any size. As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!

Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs. This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.

Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling Equipment required: Weeds of any kind. This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.

Game #4: The Wasp Dodge Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene. With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.

Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill

Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant Equipment required: A dry turf. This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.

Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one! The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!

Game #7: Slug Races Equipment required: A slug for each guest. We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing. Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.

Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold. This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.

Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody. Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Games for After Dark

Game #10: Firefly Shooting Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone. After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos Equipment required: Go figure. Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.

About The Author:

When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line machine embroidery design business,

Go Shopping With Her

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox

If Men Liked Shopping

"If men liked shopping, they'd call it research." - Cynthia Nelms

Steven Wright Loves Shopping

"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." - Steven Wright

Erma Bombeck-The Odds

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck

Marcel Marceau Quote

".......... ... ............................... ! .... ............ .......... ...... .. ......." - Marcel Marceau

Peanuts-Don't Worry

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - The Peanuts Gang

Phyllis Diller Funny

"If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? we have no enemies" - Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds and His Movies

"My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave." - Burt Reynolds

Somebody's Dream-Woody Allen

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?" - Woody Allen

Lunatics-Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. - Ambrose Bierce

Calvin Trillin Quote

Keeping off a large weight loss is a phenomenon about as common in American medicine as an impoverished dermatologist. - Calvin Trillin

Steven Wright Museum Visit

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. - Steven Wright

Simpson's Quotes

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

Quotes courtesy of

Billy Bob Thornton Quote

I was the fattest baby in Clark County, Arkansas. They put me in the newspaper. It was like a prize turnip. - Billy Bob Thornton

Walter Matthau's Doctor

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau

Orson Welles Theory

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. - Orson Welles

Women-Emo Philips

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..." - Emo Philips

Groucho on "Time"

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana" - Groucho

Lily Tomlin Funny

"The road to success is always under construction" - Lily Tomlin

Bette Davis and Joan Crawford

The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? - Bette Davis

Zsa Zsa's Wisdom

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Dolly Parton-Plastic Surgeons

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills. - Dolly Parton

Tallulah Bankhead's Trouble

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead

Funny from Robert Benchley


Dorothy Parker Wit

"My land is bare of chattering folk; / the clouds are low along the ridges, / and sweet's the air with curly smoke / from all my burning bridges." - Dorothy Parker

Bob Hope Loves Washington

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money." - Bob Hope

Poor Rodney!

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control" - Rodney Dangerfield

A Good Place to Meet Men-Rita Rudner

"A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaners. These men have jobs and usually bathe." - Rita Rudner

Dave Barry-History Moment

"The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison. . . . Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented." - Dave Barry

Social Disease-Andy Warhol

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs. - Andy Warhol

Paul Newman-Salad Dressing

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films. - Paul Newman

Alfred Hitchcock-The Human Bladder

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock

Erma Bombeck Wisdom

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Bombeck

Our Days-Woody Allen

"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?" - Woody Allen

Jimmy Fallon Funny

"Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason" - Jimmy Fallon

Ann Landers Quote

"No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic" - Ann Landers

Ogden Nash-Achieve Happiness

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all" - Ogden Nash

Joan Hates Housework

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes— and
six months later you have to start all over again." - Joan Rivers

Soup For One

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? - Elayne Boosler

Henny Youngman-Secret of Long Marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman

Sam Goldwyn-Yes and No Men

I hate a man who always says "yes" to me. When I say "no" I like a man who also says "no." - Samuel Goldwyn

Do Not Offend Your Company-Scott Adams

"Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information." - Scott Adams

H.L.Mencken-The Jury

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. - H.L. Mencken

Dr.Mani's Blogathon!

Help A Child With Heart Birth Defects

On Saturday Aug. 6, Dr. Mani, a surgeon specializing in children's heart birth defects, is putting on a "Blogathon" for kids who need life saving surgery. He will post a message to his blog every 30 minutes for 24 hrs.!! Dr. Mani's goal is to raise $100,000.00 on Aug. 6 which will sponsor 50 children. Just click the link below and visit poor hard-blogging Dr. Mani tonight or tomorrow and make a donation! Giving freely from the heart benefits the donor and the recipient!

Rodney D.-Tough to Stay Married

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." - Rodney Dangerfield

Roseanne Won't vacuum

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne Barr

Rita's Fake Necklace

"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." - Rita Rudner

Mark Twain-Golf

"Golf is a good walk spoiled." - Mark Twain

Dave Barry-Lumber

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes." - Dave Barry

Woody Allen-Live to a Hundred!

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen

Men-Winston Churchill

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - Winston Churchill

Ah, Women-Friedrich Nietzsche

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Luck and Risk-Oscar Wilde

When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. - Oscar Wilde

Fickleness of Women-George Bernard Shaw

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. - George Bernard Shaw

Jean Kerr-Men Driven to Speech

A man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr

Youth-Samuel Butler

"Youth is like spring, an overpraised season" - Samuel Butler

Middle Age-Bob Hope

"Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning." - Bob Hope

Real Pain-Emo Philips

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." - Emo Philips

Redneck-Jeff Foxworthy

"You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard." - Jeff Foxworthy

Dachshund Dogs-Robert Benchley

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other." - Robert Benchley

Dogs-Ogden Nash

"Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways." - Ogden Nash

Dogs Feel Very Strongly-Dave Barry

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

Will Shriner's Grandfather

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." - Will Shriner

Scott Adams Wit

"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs" - Scott Adams

Hot Dog Vendors-David Letterman

"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts." - David Letterman

Dame Edith Sitwell

"I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of art." - Dame Edith Sitwell

In Ancient Times

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods, they have never forgotten this." - Alfred Whitehead

Bill Cosby-Children's Names

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. - Bill Cosby

Dean Martin Funny

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. - Dean Martin

Cholesterol-Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. - Steven Wright

Erma Bombeck Quote

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. - Erma Bombeck

Rodney and Halloween

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield-Birds and Bees

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield

The One and Only Samuel Goldwyn

It's more than magnificent - it's mediocre. - Samuel Goldwyn

Joan Rivers Blames Her Mother

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. - Joan Rivers

Between Four and Seven Beers-Dave Barry

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. - Dave Barry

The Restaurant Chronicles Part 1

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1
By Toni Kiser

Have you ever heard that saying, “The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as “Show-biz,” don’t you? But where can you go to see the best acting money can buy, any day of the week? No, I’m not talking about the theatre or TV. I’m talking about the “Restaurant-biz.” Servers, bartenders, hostesses, and restaurateurs act on a daily business. Their performance is crucial! Every movement, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurant-goers experience, and any one of these parts, if it isn’t just right, could lead to the restaurant-goer, well, going.

Many a restaurant owner has held their breath as they flipped to the local restaurant critic’s (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag), page to see what he or she has to say about their establishment. This write-up has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a privately owned one. Unfortunately the only critiques a server gets to give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server station, or over a beer (or several) at the end of a shift. Well, the restaurant critic has held the pen too long! The time has come for the server to speak up and critique the customer for a change!

I, as a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of patrons. This will be the first installment of a series I like to call, “The Restaurant Chronicles.” In this, Part 1, I will begin a labeling process which will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to illuminate those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let’s see, where should we begin?

The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in gabbing and/or gossiping with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. She or he is content to have the server stand and wait while finishing the conversation. This customer will ignore the server every time they come back and ask whether a refill or some other service is needed. If the server has to repeatedly ask the question, this customer will often flash a dirty look or make a snide comment.
The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul cannot seem to put their cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing to items on the menu and requiring their server to guess at their order instead of simply putting their phone down and speaking.

The Sally: If you’ve seen the movie When Harry met Sally, you have seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says thing like, “I’ll have this roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise? Actually can I have a little bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you have them toast it? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch…I don’t like that vinaigrette you guys use. Do you think I could get a coke instead of this tea? It tastes funny.” Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they truly are, demands.

The Dummy: This simple creature somehow manages to find their way to the restaurant, although it’s hard to imagine how. They come in through a door directly below a giant neon sign, flashing the word “OPEN,” and ask, with a blank look on their face, “Are you guys open?” The menu may have the word, in huge letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they will ask, “Are you guys serving breakfast?” This client teaches their server the art of patience, because it is nearly impossible not to reply sarcastically to such moronic questions.

The Merry Mommy Club: This group of lovely ladies and their lovely children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is hurdling small children, while at the same time, maneuvering large heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they consume only small side dishes of food and sip away gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every server’s favorite, hot tea! They squeak in babynese, and compete in the “My baby can do this…” game. They also are notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete in creating a virtual “Obstacle Course” for servers and other guests by climbing on top of tables, running behind the counter, and other various activities.

Well, that concludes Part 1 of the Restaurant Chronicles, but fear not, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the diner, in Part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often times, just plain weird business, we Restaurant folk affectionately refer to as, well…our job.

Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She worked as a server, manager and bartender in the Restaurant Industry for over 12 years. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.

Cars-Tim Allen

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen

Riding With Jerks-Scott Adams

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. - Scott Adams


Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be. - Unknown

Trouble Getting Started-Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. - Emo Philips

Attract Men-Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." - Rita Rudner

Rice Cakes-Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. - Dave Barry

Standing Ovations

"Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot." - Earl Wilson

Diet Books

"Husband to his wife: "You could lose a lot of weight if you'd just carry all your diet books around the block once a day." - Bill Hoest (cartoonist)

Jeff Foxworthy-State Fair

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' - Jeff Foxworthy

Mistakes-Zig Ziglar

"Some of us learn from other people's mistakes and the rest of us have to be other people." - Zig Ziglar

Oscar Wild Quote

"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want." - Oscar Wilde

Men With Pierced Ears-Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner


If cats could talk, they wouldn't. - Nan Porter

Garrison Keillor Quote

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. - Garrison Keillor

Training-Bill Dana

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana

Nuns and The Parrot!

* A man and his wife were out for a relaxing Sunday drive in the countryside when they noticed that a group of nuns parked on the opposite side of the road were pouring something into their gas tank from a bedpan. The man shook his head and said "Those nuns sure have a lot of faith!".

* A plumber had an appointment to unclog a drain at an apartment at 5pm on a hot and humid August day. The woman who lived in the apartment was late getting home for the appoinment and only her pet Parrot was at home. The plumber showed up at the door at 5 pm and knocked. He heard a voice say "Who is it?". The plumber politely replied "The plumber". No reply was given to the plumber. The plumber was starting to sweat and get a little irritated, once again he knocked on the door. The voice said "Who is it?". The plumber replied very loudly "The Plumber!". Once again, no reply from the voice in the apartment. The plumber, who had a heart condition and was getting very stressed out and aggravated by what appeared to be a joke being played on him, took his fist and banged very loudly on the apartment door. "Who is it?" came the voice again. The plumber unable to control his rage dropped dead of a heart attack right there in front of the door.

The woman who had made the appointment arrived at her door and saw the man lying there who appeared to be dead. She excitedly opened her door and said out loud "Who is it?". Her pet Parrot said "The Plumber!".

Women-Bill Vaughn

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. - Bill Vaughn

Bob Hope Quote

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

Break in Adolescence-Jules Feiffer

At sixteen I was stupid, confused and indecisive. At twenty-five I was wise, self-confident, prepossessing and assertive. At forty-five I am stupid, confused, insecure and indecisive. Who would have supposed that maturity is only a short break in adolescence? - Jules Feiffer

9 Out of 10 Doctors

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." - Jay Leno

Funny by Joan Rivers

"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name." - Joan Rivers

Progress-Samuel Butler

"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." - Samuel Butler

Emo Phillips Got in a Fight

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." - Emo Philips

Tourist Season-Steven Wright

"If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?" - Steven Wright

Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.

There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.

Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life’s “ugh” into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, “I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles – but much more so when he laughs – it adds something to this fragment of life.” Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.

In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!

Mrs. Graite had reached her limit; The pain no more could bear. Her pastor's boring sermons Had led her to mad despair.

She invited him to dinner; Prepared tasty veal. Suspecting something was not right He refused to eat the meal.

She thought, as she was led away In handcuffs to a cell, "No more boring sermons Is worth all my time in jail."

But her prison term was short 'Cause the jury heard a tape, Of the preacher's boring sermons And acquitted Mrs Graite.

This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.

Samuel Goldwyn Logic

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn

A Wise Diner-Calvin Trillin

When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere. - Calvin Trillin

George Carlin Quote

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. - George Carlin

The 12-Step Chocoholic's Program

Never be more than 12 steps away from Chocolate!- Terry Moore

Lady Godiva

I think there's a danger in overexposure. Just think what happened to Lady Godiva - she became a chocolate. - Kenneth Jay Lane

Carob-Sandra Boynton

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt. - Sandra Boynton

Dave Barry Funny

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry

Stuntman-Jackie Chan

"American stuntmen are smart —they think about safety. When they do a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance. . . . But in Hong Kong, we don't know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you've got the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. I say, "Do it! Camera, action, jump!" Boom! Ambulance! Hospital! Next stuntman!" - Jackie Chan

Hen and Egg-Samuel Butler

"The hen is an egg's way of producing another egg." - Samuel Butler

Earl Wilson Quote

"An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes." - Earl Wilson

Arrested Development

"I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Groucho Quote

"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party." - Groucho

Joan Rivers Funny

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." - Joan Rivers

Mother-in-Law-Phyllis Diller

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee." - Phyllis Diller

Rita Rudner's Boyfriend

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." - Rita Rudner

Emo Philips Funny

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." - Emo Philips

Telekinesis-Steven Wright

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." - Steven Wright

Will Rogers Quote

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Lunch-Orson Welles

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. - Orson Welles

In Tulsa-Roseanne Barr

"In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open." - Roseanne Barr

Funny by Erma Bombeck

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." - Erma Bombeck

Riot-Ambrose Bierce

"RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders." - Ambrose Bierce

A Sobering Thought

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? - Jane Wagner

Bookstores-Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfeld

Henny Youngman Quote

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Bran-Alan King

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King

Imelda Marcos and Her Shoe Count

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. - Imelda Marcos

Jerry Springer Kit-Roseanne Barr

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy. - Roseanne Barr

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
by Richard Chapo

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

About The Author:

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

Funny by Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. - Rodney Dangerfield

Hyprocritical-Jean Kerr

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite. - Jean Kerr

The Logic of Samuel Goldwyn

If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave. - Samuel Goldwyn

Funny by Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Philips

Jane Fonda Quote

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood-Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Jane Fonda

Tommy Cooper Quote

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot." - Tommy Cooper (British comedian)

Calvin Trillon Wit

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillon

Star Wars Fans

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. - Conan O'Brien

Doug Larson Funny

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson

Modern Teenager-Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Dave Barry

Ogden Nash Quote

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash

Little Feet-Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner

Dame Edna

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia. - Dame Edna Everage

Billy Barty Quote

Try being my size and going into a public restroom. - Billy Barty

Mousse-Andre Agassi

I feel old when I see mousse in my opponent's hair. - Andre Agassi

The Hidden Driveway

I won’t lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I’d even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway...

I’ve wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed while implying I should be careful of it. And I was — because who am I not to follow a sign, especially when it pertains to something hidden?

Many would consider hidden driveways to be dangerous because a person who backs out of such a location may be hit by oncoming traffic — or even outgoing traffic, or even a wandering turtle with a jetpack. Sure, there are rearview and side mirrors, but those with hidden driveways are rebels, and rebels don’t use mirrors except to adjust their ski masks and glow-in-the-dark sunglasses...

One may now be wondering why I would want a hidden driveway if they are indeed so dangerous. To begin, it would help to cut down random visits from people I don’t want to see. I could even be extra nice to these people, inviting them over for the best cheesecake this side of Mouseville. But then, alas, they’d never find my driveway. Thus, I’d be known as a nice person who "unfortunately" lives at a location that is hard to find. This would also elevate the reputation of the cheesecake...

The better reason for wanting a hidden driveway, though, is that it would make me seem like a secret agent every time I leave for work, head for the local convenient store, or even move the car so that there is more room to play horseshoes. To add to the mystique of my persona, I would leave the driveway only when it is dark outside, or when everyone else is at some local festival that I skipped because of how hidden I am. Eventually, after a couple of years of keeping up this routine, I would not even need a car because no one would be able to see it anyway, which contradicts the reason for having one. Rather, I would walk everywhere that is within walking distance — and everything else I would have delivered...

Such would be the life of a person with a hidden driveway. If you have one, please invite me over sometime soon so I can practice backing out of one...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (

Dolly Parton

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton

Cyndi Lauper Wisdom

I've always wondered what it would be like if somebody from outer space landed with three heads. Then all of a sudden everybody else wouldn't look so bad, huh? Well, OK you're a little different from me but, hey, ya got one head. - Cyndi Lauper

Lisa Marie Presley Quote

How many people have a family grave in the backyard? I'm sure I'll end up there, or I'll shrink my head and put it in a glass box in the living room. I'll get more tourists to Graceland that way. - Lisa Marie Presley

Robert Benchley Wit

"Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about." - Robert Benchley

Erma Bombeck Funny

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture. - Erma Bombeck

Alfred Hitchcock Quote

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock

Jeff Bridges-Designated Drivers

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Bridges

Dennis Leary Quote

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. - Dennis Leary

The Weather

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation - Kin Hubbard

Ogden Nash Wit