Neither Here Nor There

"If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?" - Chic Murray

The Human Brain-Emo Philips

I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "What part of my body is telling me that?" - Emo Philips

3 Minute Egg

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front." - Milton Berle

Driving Distractions: Do You Need Cream and Sugar?

Driving Distractions: Do You Need Cream and Sugar?
By Don Doman

Early one morning last week while sitting at a traffic light, I watched a man eating a bowl of cereal. He carefully lifted each spoonful to his mouth and then drove off when the light changed.

I've been known to eat while driving - wadded up hamburger wrappers under the front seats give ample testimony. The large brown coffee stain on the carpet tells the tale of a sharp turn and a drink carrier stability problem. Occasionally, I clean out the neat little take-out boxes that once held prime rib sandwiches. I know about eating and driving but even I have never eaten cereal while driving, although I was once tempted to sample some doggie-bag spaghetti while driving home from a restuarant.

In our rapid-paced auto-erratic world many people save time by eating on the run. We don't want to eat right . . . we want to eat right now!

Like cell phone use, eating is a distraction and is the cause of many auto accidents, especially in the morning. Food is not so much the culprit, but rather the vehicle. Drivers on their way to work don't want to arrive at the office with a chest full of dribbles. So, they watch for globs, gobs, and drips - taking their eyes off the road.

Taco Bell has taken the need for fast-food driving to heart. Many of their new products are designed to be more drip-dry with thicker shredded cheese and crunchier taco shells that hold together better.

Here are the worst food/accident offenders:

Hot soup
Chili-covered food
Juicy hamburgers
Fried chicken
Jelly-and cream-filled donuts
Soft drinks
(Source: Haggerty Classic Insurance)

To me, chocolate is the shocker on the list. It's so easy to nibble on a chocolate bar or bon bon while driving. It seems so innocuous, but stop and think how chocolate can stain, specially on a hot day. A piece of Brown & Haley Bavarian Crème smeared on your shirt front and you're marked as a sloppy person. Dressing for success does not include food stains.

What can you do to protect yourself . . . if you want to continue to eat and drive?

Here are six things that will allow you to continue driving in the fast-food lane:

* Keep a big linen napkin in your automobile - Use the large napkin to tuck into your collar so any drips fall onto the napkin -- like a baby's bib it will help protect your clothes.
* Keep a roll of paper towels in your car - Paper towels can not only give you something to wipe your hands on, but they're also great for soaking up spills.
* Use a hardside drink container with a lid - While you can get a paper cup with a plastic lid and drink from that, what sometimes causes a spill is the weak sides of the container colapsing. A hardside container is easier to control . . . and safer.
* Find a cup holder to accomodate your favorite beverage - In most auto parts stores you can find cup holders for almost any size drinking container. By purchasing one that fits your container you will feel extra safe knowing that your cup holder will keep your container from falling, under normal conditions.
* Keep a bottle of club soda in your car - If you do spill something on your clothes, knowing that you can possibly clean it up will help alleviate some of your fears about making a mess.
* Keep a clean shirt or blouse in the auto - It's always smart to have a second set of clothes, just in case . . .

By eleminating potential problems and preparing for food accidents you can hopefully reduce distractions and worry. If you do have a massive spill, you'll feel much better knowing that you can still make that morning meeting looking nice, neat and professional . . . if you started out looking that way.

About the author:

Author Don Doman: Don is a published author of books for small business, corporate video producer, and owner of Ideas and Training (, which provides business training products. Don also owns and Human Resources Radio (, which provides business training programs and previews 24-hours a day.

They Never Argue

" My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they can't hear each other. " - Cathy Ladman

Mark Twain-I Miss My Mind

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Mark Twain

Give a Man a Fish!

"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. " - Zenna Schaffer

Control Your Turkey Intake!

"We recommend that no one eat more than two tons of turkey - that's what it would take to poison someone." - Elizabeth Whelan


What is sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey or the guinea hen. - Alice B. Toklas

The Turkey Prayer

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family. - Berke Breathed

Tea-Rudyard Kipling

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Dame Sitwell-Unpopular Eel

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Ancestry and The Potato Plant

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Kiwi Fruit-Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. - Erma Bombeck

Neon-Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. - Lenny Bruce

Fish Water

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields

Purple Cereal

"I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple." - Bill Watterson

Dave Barry-Magnetism

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. - Dave Barry
"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." - Christopher Parker

All Groucho!

* "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you."

* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

* Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"

* "We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."

* Groucho: "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."
Chico: "Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."

* "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

Pointless Hillbilly Entertainment!

My Luck is So Bad That...

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Firgol

Mel Brooks Quote

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. - Mel Brooks

Rodney Dangerfield Funny

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

Peekaboo-Rita Rudner

"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner

Phyllis Diller's Mother-in-Law

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee." - Phyllis Diller

Steven Spielberg-Bookmark

"Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?" - Steven Spielberg

W.C. Fields-Gin

"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." - W.C. Fields

Monopoly-Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. - Steven Wright

Highly Offensive Jokes-Just Silly Humor

Q: What does it mean when the flag is flying half staff at the post office?
A: They're hiring!

Q: Where do Irish families go on vacation?
A: A new bar

Q: What do you call an Italian with only one arm?
A: Speech impaired

Mae West Never Worries About Diets

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West

Tattoos-From Butterfly to Condor

Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor. - Billy Elmer

Jack Benny-Cannibal

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. - Jack Benny

Dean Martin-When Your Opponent....

"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table." - Dean Martin

The Aging Process...

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson

How Many Kids Does it Take To....

"Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on." - Erma Bombeck

Diplomacy-Will Rogers

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers

An Abstainer is...

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - Ambrose Bierce

Dave Barry-Socks

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark. - Dave Barry

Doug Larson-Lackadaisical

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - Doug Larson

Dilbert Jargon

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings. - Scott Adams

It Ain't What They Call You

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. - W.C. Fields

She Was So Blonde That

She Was So Blonde That

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She sold the car for gas money!