Classic Funny Quotes: October 2005

Dancing With The Cows-Groucho

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. - Groucho

Early to Rise

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. - James Thurber

Robert Benchley-Machinery

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. - Robert Benchley

P.G. Wodehouse Quote

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." - P.G. Wodehouse

A Tasteful Way to be Famous

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. - P.J. O'Rourke

Halloween

"I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." - Author Unknown

Hors D'oeuvres

"Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces" - Jack Benny

Henny Youngman-Baggage Request

"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" - Henny Youngman

Mr. Right

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner

Arkansas Residency Application

* Editor Pat: Don't get offended, these are just jokes and quotes intended for entertainment and not to insult anyone!

Arkansas Residency Application

Last Name: ________________ (last)

First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack

Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_) Farmer(_) Mechanic(_) Hair Dresser(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer(_) The Globe(_) TV Guide(_) Soap Opera Digest(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Rodney and Halloween

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield

Barbra Streisand Quote

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand

New York

"New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you"- Author Unknown

Phrases and Meanings

Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. - Erma Bombeck

Don't Give a Woman Advice

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. - Oscar Wilde

Dog or Child?

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

Money

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen

Erma Bombeck Quote

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what! - Erma Bombeck

Coward.........

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce

Beware of the Spanish-English Dictionary

In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. - Dave Barry

P.J. O'Rourke- Vegetables and Fruit

Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do. (The Bachelor Home Companion) - P. J. O' Rourke

Will Rogers-He Reports the Facts

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

Steven Wright Quote

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. - Steven Wright

Find Out if You're a Redneck Here

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

George Carlin Funny

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

Hair Upon His Chest

He may have hair upon his chest but, sister, so has Lassie. - Cole Porter

Oscar Levant-A Fierce Desire

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. - Oscar Levant

Flying With a Blonde

Flying With A Blonde

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

Give 100% At Work!

"I always give 100% at work:

13% Monday
22% Tuesday
26% Wednesday
35% Thursday
4% Friday"

- Author Unknown

The Family Parrot

"Live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." - Mark Twain

Groucho-Footprints

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."- Groucho

When Birds Burp.....

"When birds burp, it must taste like bugs." - Bill Watterson

Victor Hugo Quote

"Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left." - Victor Hugo

Italy vs. Switzerland

In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. - Orson Welles