* "Nice doggy"
* "My Brakes are fine"
* "I think it's trying to communicate..."
* "I can pass this guy"
Those Pharmacists...
"Why does the pharmacist have to be two and a half feet up above everybody else? Who the hell is he? He’s a stock boy with pills as far as I can tell. Why can’t he be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airplane pilots, nuclear physicists, we’re all on the same level. But not him. He’s gotta be two and a half feet up. “Look out, everybody, I’m working with pills up here. Spread out, gimme some room. I’m taking them from this big bottle and I’m putting them in this little bottle.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Doing Nothing
Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." - Leslie Neilsen
Half Are True
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true. - Winston Churchill
The Puppy Cure for Cholesterol
"I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies." - Elizabeth von Arnum
Republican Presidential Candidate Fred Thompson
Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is getting some heat for not campaigning hard enough. He hasn’t been to South Carolina in more than a month; he canceled his trip to New Hampshire, another important state; and then he scrapped a press conference on Saturday. He’s pretty laid back about the whole thing. He says his strategy is working though. In fact he’s just put out a new ad: “He’s lazy; he’s late; and he doesn’t give a damn. Fred Thompson is all American. Fred Thompson for president. Or not. Whatever.” - Jimmy Kimmel
Top Ten Travel Excuses Submitted by Corporate Travel Managers
* “I upgraded to First Class because I can’t afford the drinks in Coach.”
* “Do you know who I am? If you did you would not ask me why I travel First Class.”
* “I had to rent a full size car in order to carry my golf clubs.”
* “I am allergic to peanuts and that is all they serve in Coach, so I had to upgrade to First where they have almonds.”
* “I had to stay an extra day because I can't fly with a hangover.”
* “My dog is booked in the climate control hold on the flight and I need to sit in First Class so I can hear him bark so I know he's OK.”
* “Isn't Boston on the way to LAX?” (Passenger lives in Las Vegas and wanted extra mileage points.)
* “I have a doctor's note that states I have to fly First Class.”
* “I'm claustrophobic, so I need to fly First Class in order to get off the plane first.”
* “I accidentally booked a flight to Paris, France instead of Paris, Texas.”
* “Do you know who I am? If you did you would not ask me why I travel First Class.”
* “I had to rent a full size car in order to carry my golf clubs.”
* “I am allergic to peanuts and that is all they serve in Coach, so I had to upgrade to First where they have almonds.”
* “I had to stay an extra day because I can't fly with a hangover.”
* “My dog is booked in the climate control hold on the flight and I need to sit in First Class so I can hear him bark so I know he's OK.”
* “Isn't Boston on the way to LAX?” (Passenger lives in Las Vegas and wanted extra mileage points.)
* “I have a doctor's note that states I have to fly First Class.”
* “I'm claustrophobic, so I need to fly First Class in order to get off the plane first.”
* “I accidentally booked a flight to Paris, France instead of Paris, Texas.”
Lawyer Humour
* Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
* What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
* If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
* How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
* Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
* What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
* If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
* How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
* Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
Steve Martin's Good News
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
A Good Friend
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. - Jim Hayes
Hillary on The View
This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on “The View.” It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, “Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.” - Conan O'Brien
Rodney D's Psychiatrist Said...
“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” - Rodney D.
Homer Simpson!
“I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!” - Homer
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?” - Homer
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.” - Homer
“Trying is the first step to failure” - Homer
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?” - Homer
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.” - Homer
“Trying is the first step to failure” - Homer
Rita Making Life Easier for Her Father
“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” - Rita Rudner
He's in for a Bumpy Ride!
I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year - Betty Davis
Murder Not Divorce
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny
Lecture Fatigue
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. - Marcel Achard, Playwrite
Racism Against Rednecks!!
REDNECK RASH: Congressional staffers urged to get immunized for hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria and influenza -- before going to NASCAR races! - House Homeland Security Committee Staff
Bruce Willis
“On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” - Bruce Willis
Senator Larry Craig Announced...
Yesterday, Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is not going to step down because he is still able to work effectively with his fellow senators. Sen. Craig’s exact quote was, “No one reaches across the aisle like I do.” - Conan O'Brien
Lame School Excuses
* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Psychic Girlfriend? Miss Cleo?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright
Gertude Stein-Germans Are A Funny People
I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go. - Gertrude Stein
Jerry S.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld
Bob N.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down' - Bob Newhart
Rodney D.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
Just One Word...
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." - Dave Barry
Britney Spears
Yesterday a judge ruled that Britney Spears’ children would be better off if they go to live with Kevin Federline. Legal experts say it’s the first time a judge began a ruling with, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but . . .” - Conan O'Brien
True
“If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.” - Dorothy Parker
My Favorite Kind of Work...
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.” - Robert Benchley
Moo Hoomer
"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists." - Joan Gussow
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk." - Ogden Nash
"Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook." - Ambrose Bierce
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk." - Ogden Nash
"Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook." - Ambrose Bierce
Drooling Babies
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." - Dave Barry
Probably Is
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. - Erma Bombeck
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