Sibling Rivalries

A new study found that 45 percent of adults still have sibling rivalries. Yeah, and guess what? I read that story, like, three days before my sister did. - Jimmy Fallon

Activia!

Accidentally had Activia this morning with breakfast. Now I poop like a woman. In secret and in under 6 seconds. Damn you Jamie Lee Curtis! - Twitter's TheDeskChicken

Leno: Red Bull Inventor- RIP

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell.

Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids.

What Were They Thinking?

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. - Jimmy Fallon

Legoland!

On this day in 1999, California opened Lego Land theme park. It was supposed to open a few years earlier, but they couldn't find a piece. - Craig Ferguson

Meats to Avoid!

Today's health warning....red meat is bad for you. Also avoid blue meat and green meat. - Rita Rudner

Fruit or Vegetable?

Is marshmallow a vegetable or a fruit? - Jim Gaffigan

No iPad for Rita

Decided to not buy the new I-pad, sticking to my old etch-a-sketch. - Rita Rudner

People in L.A. Are Furious!

Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox. - Craig Ferguson

Motivated Odor Control

My deodorant boasts "Motivated Odor Control". That's good, because if there's one thing I won't tolerate in a deodorant, it's apathy. - David Coggeshall, Screenwriter

Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work

The IT department has blocked access to "Words With Co-Workers "until you people learn the proper names for genitalia.

Ok the rumor that someone in the office got an advance iPad 3 has already led to 6 deaths. Please, from now on...monger responsibly.

March Madness is not covered by Blue Cross. Please stop bothering HR about it.

Dave Barry - The Kid is Not My Son

Let's kill these rumors right now about me being the father of Snooki's baby. - Dave Barry

Nipple Slips at The Oscars?

Both Jennifer Lopez and I have experienced nipple slips at the Oscars. The only difference is that mine was peeking out of an open-toe shoe. - Joan Rivers

Only If He's an Investor

Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience. - Jim Gaffigan