Swine Flu?

They’re calling it swine flu because it’s either originated from pigs or AIG executives. - Jay leno

Puppy vs Internet

Puppy Wins!

Only For "Stevie" Fans.....

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Late Night Top Ten-Signs Govn't Is Spying On You!

Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head
9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls"
8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions
7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4", 270 pounds
6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales"
5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes"
4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear
3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy"
2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank
1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico

Windows' Chickens Come Home to Roost!

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him “Bill Gates — you’re a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell.” Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. “That doesn’t seem so bad,” says Gates. “Let’s see Heaven now.” God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. “I’ve made my decision,” says Gates. “I choose Hell.”

Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. “What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?” Gates screams.
“Oh, that,” says God. “That was just the demo.”

U.S. Govn't in Car Business?

Imagine the government in the car business. Every time you hit OnStar, you'd get Joe Biden. - Jay leno

Bernie Madoff

"Bernie Madoff is in prison for 150 years. The feds are after everything today they towed away his wife, Ruth.

Here's good news for Bernie Madoff only 149 years, 50 weeks to go." - David Letterman