The 12-Step Chocoholic's Program

Never be more than 12 steps away from Chocolate!- Terry Moore

Lady Godiva

I think there's a danger in overexposure. Just think what happened to Lady Godiva - she became a chocolate. - Kenneth Jay Lane

Carob-Sandra Boynton

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt. - Sandra Boynton

Dave Barry Funny

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry

Stuntman-Jackie Chan

"American stuntmen are smart —they think about safety. When they do a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance. . . . But in Hong Kong, we don't know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you've got the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. I say, "Do it! Camera, action, jump!" Boom! Ambulance! Hospital! Next stuntman!" - Jackie Chan

Hen and Egg-Samuel Butler

"The hen is an egg's way of producing another egg." - Samuel Butler

Earl Wilson Quote

"An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes." - Earl Wilson

Arrested Development

"I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Groucho Quote

"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party." - Groucho

Joan Rivers Funny

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." - Joan Rivers

Mother-in-Law-Phyllis Diller

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee." - Phyllis Diller

Rita Rudner's Boyfriend

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." - Rita Rudner

Emo Philips Funny

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." - Emo Philips

Telekinesis-Steven Wright

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand." - Steven Wright

Will Rogers Quote

A fool and his money are soon elected. - Will Rogers

Lunch-Orson Welles

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. - Orson Welles

In Tulsa-Roseanne Barr

"In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open." - Roseanne Barr

Funny by Erma Bombeck

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." - Erma Bombeck

Riot-Ambrose Bierce

"RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders." - Ambrose Bierce

A Sobering Thought

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? - Jane Wagner

Bookstores-Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfeld

Henny Youngman Quote

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Bran-Alan King

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King

Imelda Marcos and Her Shoe Count

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. - Imelda Marcos

Jerry Springer Kit-Roseanne Barr

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy. - Roseanne Barr

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
by Richard Chapo

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

About The Author:

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

Funny by Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. - Rodney Dangerfield

Hyprocritical-Jean Kerr

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite. - Jean Kerr

The Logic of Samuel Goldwyn

If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave. - Samuel Goldwyn

Funny by Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Philips

Jane Fonda Quote

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood-Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Jane Fonda

Tommy Cooper Quote

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot." - Tommy Cooper (British comedian)

Calvin Trillon Wit

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillon

Star Wars Fans

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. - Conan O'Brien

Doug Larson Funny

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson

Modern Teenager-Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Dave Barry

Ogden Nash Quote

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash

Little Feet-Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner

Dame Edna

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia. - Dame Edna Everage

Billy Barty Quote

Try being my size and going into a public restroom. - Billy Barty

Mousse-Andre Agassi

I feel old when I see mousse in my opponent's hair. - Andre Agassi

The Hidden Driveway

I won’t lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I’d even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway...

I’ve wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed while implying I should be careful of it. And I was — because who am I not to follow a sign, especially when it pertains to something hidden?

Many would consider hidden driveways to be dangerous because a person who backs out of such a location may be hit by oncoming traffic — or even outgoing traffic, or even a wandering turtle with a jetpack. Sure, there are rearview and side mirrors, but those with hidden driveways are rebels, and rebels don’t use mirrors except to adjust their ski masks and glow-in-the-dark sunglasses...

One may now be wondering why I would want a hidden driveway if they are indeed so dangerous. To begin, it would help to cut down random visits from people I don’t want to see. I could even be extra nice to these people, inviting them over for the best cheesecake this side of Mouseville. But then, alas, they’d never find my driveway. Thus, I’d be known as a nice person who "unfortunately" lives at a location that is hard to find. This would also elevate the reputation of the cheesecake...

The better reason for wanting a hidden driveway, though, is that it would make me seem like a secret agent every time I leave for work, head for the local convenient store, or even move the car so that there is more room to play horseshoes. To add to the mystique of my persona, I would leave the driveway only when it is dark outside, or when everyone else is at some local festival that I skipped because of how hidden I am. Eventually, after a couple of years of keeping up this routine, I would not even need a car because no one would be able to see it anyway, which contradicts the reason for having one. Rather, I would walk everywhere that is within walking distance — and everything else I would have delivered...

Such would be the life of a person with a hidden driveway. If you have one, please invite me over sometime soon so I can practice backing out of one...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (

Dolly Parton

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton

Cyndi Lauper Wisdom

I've always wondered what it would be like if somebody from outer space landed with three heads. Then all of a sudden everybody else wouldn't look so bad, huh? Well, OK you're a little different from me but, hey, ya got one head. - Cyndi Lauper

Lisa Marie Presley Quote

How many people have a family grave in the backyard? I'm sure I'll end up there, or I'll shrink my head and put it in a glass box in the living room. I'll get more tourists to Graceland that way. - Lisa Marie Presley

Robert Benchley Wit

"Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about." - Robert Benchley

Erma Bombeck Funny

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture. - Erma Bombeck

Alfred Hitchcock Quote

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock