You Start Out Happy...

You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. - Cindy Crawford
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner

The All-Purpose Curse!

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch!

Cheap Kitty Kicks!

Happy and Sad Faces For News

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.” - Dave Barry

Feeling Sleepy and Grumpy?

"Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be Snow White." - David Frost

Rectal Thermometers

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. -

Epitaph Humor!

* She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

* Bob took time from work By bourbon required Then he took to the road Now he's semi-retired

* On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune

* Johann Bach Musician Still decomposing After all these years

* Dapper Dan Was a lady's man And known for miles around But he slept with Pearl, The Gambler's girl, He now lies six feet under ground

* Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go

Good Ideas or Eggs Hatching?

“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.” - Jack Handy


A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. - Carl Reiner

Husband or Philosopher?

"By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

Friendless Barbie

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Steven Wright

Jewish Settlement

There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman. - David Letter

Hillary Won't Roll Over

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that. - Jay Leno

Those New Jersey Hunters!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let"s make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The Wallet

Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids! - Rodney D.

The Goldfish

You Have To Be A Redneck If...

* You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.

* Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.

* Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

New Year's Quotes

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution. - Jay Leno

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain