Definition of Architect

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce

I'm Not a Quitter Either!

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter. - A Chocolate Fan

Steven Wright's Occassional Table

“I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven.” - Steven Wright

Mae West

“How do you do, Miss West? Mae West: How do you do what?” - Mae West

True American Ingenuity!

“I've got a new invention. It's a revolving bowl for tired goldfish" - Lefty Gomez

Cher's Kleenex Theory

"Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, disposable." - Cher

My Vote is For The Psychologist

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. - Jay Leno

Yes, One Way

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead. - Scott Adams

Readers, We Have Each Other...

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other. - Dave Barry

Robert Frost's Workplace Humor

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

No False Teeth for Carol

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these? - Carol Burnett

The Closest Rita Every Came To...

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. - Rita Rudner

President Bush at Grade School Level

In a new book Mexico’s former president, Vincente Fox, says that President Bush’s Spanish is at grade-school level. Fortunately, Bush’s feelings weren’t hurt because Fox made the comments in Spanish. - Conan O'Brien

Poor David

"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." - David Lee Roth

Pass On the Sweet and Sour Chicken!

"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken." - David Letterman

Earlier Tonight...

"Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech about Iraq. He promised to have the troops home by speech No. 73. " - Conan O'Brien

It's For You

Middle age: When you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash


I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. - Erma Bombeck

A Common Enemy

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy. - Sam Levenson

Cougar on The Prowl!

Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband. - John Parrott

Food Fight!

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. - Demetri Martin

Is It?

“Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?” - Stanislaw Lee

Shirley Temple

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple


Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. - Joseph Wood Krutch

This Boy Crazy

I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. - Salvadore Dali

Which is More Effective-Prayer or Thievery

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” - Emo Philips

Is the Best Part of You Underground?

“A man who prides himself on his ancestry is like the potato plant, the best part of which is underground” - Spanish Proverb