Keep This In Mind When Purchasing a Vehicle
"Never have more car windows than you have children" - Erma Bombeck
Three Entrepreneurs...
(21 June 2007, Philippines) Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified.
Dave Barry on The Holiday Season
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" - Dave Barry
Dr. Seuss Quotes
* "How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”
* “Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”
* "You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.”
* "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
* “Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”
* "You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.”
* "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Few Things Are More Satifying ...
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. - Doug Larson
We're All Mad...
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain
Natalie Wood-Changing Men
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood
When Trouble Arises...
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. - Dave Barry
Bent Coil Accusation
"I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil." - Famous Psychic Uri Geller
The Supreme Court Ruled ...
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno
Enmeshed In The Holiday Season
"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." - Dave Barry
Join The Nap Club
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret
Self-Healing Plastic
Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die. - Tina Fey
Women's Trouble
The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing...and then marry him! - Cher
Everything Going Well?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something. - Steven Wright
something. - Steven Wright
Happy Thanksgiving!
*** My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller
*** Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. - Kevin James
*** Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. - Kevin James
Seasonal Humor
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
Top Ten From David Letterman's Late Show:
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
Thanksgiving Dinners
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck
Either Way It Takes a Big Man
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handy
Tennessee Williams: Watch Out For The Witch and The...
“A witch and a bitch always dress up for each other, because otherwise the witch would upstage the bitch, or the bitch would upstage the witch, and the result would be havoc” - Tennessee Williams
The History of Glue
"I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down." - Tim Vine
Steven Just Got Out of The Hospital
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark." - Steven Wright
Dave Barry-Blood Type vs. Beverly Hillbillies
If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'. - Dave Barry
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win The New York City Marathon
From David Letterman's "Late Show":
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win The New York City Marathon:
10. You frequently hear "Outta the way lard ass!"
9. Every couple of miles you stop and ask for directions.
8. You pulled a hamstring filling out the application.
7. Before the race, you eat a PowerBar with extra cheese.
6. You still haven't finished the 2006 New York City Marathon.
5. In trying situations you ask yourself, "What would Rosie O'Donnell do?"
4. Some runners are sponsored by Adidas. You're sponsored by Chips Ahoy.
3. You're frequently mistaken for the fat guy from "Lost."
2. Made you own steroids out of Red Bull and Super Glue.
1. You've been carbo-loading for 30 years.
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win The New York City Marathon:
10. You frequently hear "Outta the way lard ass!"
9. Every couple of miles you stop and ask for directions.
8. You pulled a hamstring filling out the application.
7. Before the race, you eat a PowerBar with extra cheese.
6. You still haven't finished the 2006 New York City Marathon.
5. In trying situations you ask yourself, "What would Rosie O'Donnell do?"
4. Some runners are sponsored by Adidas. You're sponsored by Chips Ahoy.
3. You're frequently mistaken for the fat guy from "Lost."
2. Made you own steroids out of Red Bull and Super Glue.
1. You've been carbo-loading for 30 years.
It Might Be The Light
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I amdoing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Last Words
* "Nice doggy"
* "My Brakes are fine"
* "I think it's trying to communicate..."
* "I can pass this guy"
* "My Brakes are fine"
* "I think it's trying to communicate..."
* "I can pass this guy"
Those Pharmacists...
"Why does the pharmacist have to be two and a half feet up above everybody else? Who the hell is he? He’s a stock boy with pills as far as I can tell. Why can’t he be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airplane pilots, nuclear physicists, we’re all on the same level. But not him. He’s gotta be two and a half feet up. “Look out, everybody, I’m working with pills up here. Spread out, gimme some room. I’m taking them from this big bottle and I’m putting them in this little bottle.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Doing Nothing
Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." - Leslie Neilsen
Half Are True
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true. - Winston Churchill
The Puppy Cure for Cholesterol
"I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies." - Elizabeth von Arnum
Republican Presidential Candidate Fred Thompson
Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is getting some heat for not campaigning hard enough. He hasn’t been to South Carolina in more than a month; he canceled his trip to New Hampshire, another important state; and then he scrapped a press conference on Saturday. He’s pretty laid back about the whole thing. He says his strategy is working though. In fact he’s just put out a new ad: “He’s lazy; he’s late; and he doesn’t give a damn. Fred Thompson is all American. Fred Thompson for president. Or not. Whatever.” - Jimmy Kimmel
Top Ten Travel Excuses Submitted by Corporate Travel Managers
* “I upgraded to First Class because I can’t afford the drinks in Coach.”
* “Do you know who I am? If you did you would not ask me why I travel First Class.”
* “I had to rent a full size car in order to carry my golf clubs.”
* “I am allergic to peanuts and that is all they serve in Coach, so I had to upgrade to First where they have almonds.”
* “I had to stay an extra day because I can't fly with a hangover.”
* “My dog is booked in the climate control hold on the flight and I need to sit in First Class so I can hear him bark so I know he's OK.”
* “Isn't Boston on the way to LAX?” (Passenger lives in Las Vegas and wanted extra mileage points.)
* “I have a doctor's note that states I have to fly First Class.”
* “I'm claustrophobic, so I need to fly First Class in order to get off the plane first.”
* “I accidentally booked a flight to Paris, France instead of Paris, Texas.”
* “Do you know who I am? If you did you would not ask me why I travel First Class.”
* “I had to rent a full size car in order to carry my golf clubs.”
* “I am allergic to peanuts and that is all they serve in Coach, so I had to upgrade to First where they have almonds.”
* “I had to stay an extra day because I can't fly with a hangover.”
* “My dog is booked in the climate control hold on the flight and I need to sit in First Class so I can hear him bark so I know he's OK.”
* “Isn't Boston on the way to LAX?” (Passenger lives in Las Vegas and wanted extra mileage points.)
* “I have a doctor's note that states I have to fly First Class.”
* “I'm claustrophobic, so I need to fly First Class in order to get off the plane first.”
* “I accidentally booked a flight to Paris, France instead of Paris, Texas.”
Lawyer Humour
* Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
* What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
* If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
* How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
* Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
* What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
* If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
* How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
* Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
Steve Martin's Good News
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
A Good Friend
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. - Jim Hayes
Hillary on The View
This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on “The View.” It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said, “Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.” - Conan O'Brien
Rodney D's Psychiatrist Said...
“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!” - Rodney D.
Homer Simpson!
“I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!” - Homer
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?” - Homer
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.” - Homer
“Trying is the first step to failure” - Homer
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?” - Homer
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.” - Homer
“Trying is the first step to failure” - Homer
Rita Making Life Easier for Her Father
“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” - Rita Rudner
He's in for a Bumpy Ride!
I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year - Betty Davis
Murder Not Divorce
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny
Lecture Fatigue
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. - Marcel Achard, Playwrite
Racism Against Rednecks!!
REDNECK RASH: Congressional staffers urged to get immunized for hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria and influenza -- before going to NASCAR races! - House Homeland Security Committee Staff
Bruce Willis
“On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” - Bruce Willis
Senator Larry Craig Announced...
Yesterday, Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is not going to step down because he is still able to work effectively with his fellow senators. Sen. Craig’s exact quote was, “No one reaches across the aisle like I do.” - Conan O'Brien
Lame School Excuses
* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Psychic Girlfriend? Miss Cleo?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright
Gertude Stein-Germans Are A Funny People
I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go. - Gertrude Stein
Jerry S.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld
Bob N.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down' - Bob Newhart
Rodney D.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
Just One Word...
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." - Dave Barry
Britney Spears
Yesterday a judge ruled that Britney Spears’ children would be better off if they go to live with Kevin Federline. Legal experts say it’s the first time a judge began a ruling with, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but . . .” - Conan O'Brien
True
“If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.” - Dorothy Parker
My Favorite Kind of Work...
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.” - Robert Benchley
Moo Hoomer
"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists." - Joan Gussow
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk." - Ogden Nash
"Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook." - Ambrose Bierce
"The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk." - Ogden Nash
"Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook." - Ambrose Bierce
Drooling Babies
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." - Dave Barry
Probably Is
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. - Erma Bombeck
Definition of Architect
Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. - Ambrose Bierce
Steven Wright's Occassional Table
“I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven.” - Steven Wright
True American Ingenuity!
“I've got a new invention. It's a revolving bowl for tired goldfish" - Lefty Gomez
My Vote is For The Psychologist
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. - Jay Leno
Readers, We Have Each Other...
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other. - Dave Barry
Robert Frost's Workplace Humor
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
No False Teeth for Carol
I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these? - Carol Burnett
The Closest Rita Every Came To...
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. - Rita Rudner
President Bush at Grade School Level
In a new book Mexico’s former president, Vincente Fox, says that President Bush’s Spanish is at grade-school level. Fortunately, Bush’s feelings weren’t hurt because Fox made the comments in Spanish. - Conan O'Brien
Pass On the Sweet and Sour Chicken!
"How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken." - David Letterman
Earlier Tonight...
"Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech about Iraq. He promised to have the troops home by speech No. 73. " - Conan O'Brien
It's For You
Middle age: When you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. - Ogden Nash
A Common Enemy
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy. - Sam Levenson
Cougar on The Prowl!
Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband. - John Parrott
Shirley Temple
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple
Cats!
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. - Joseph Wood Krutch
This Boy Crazy
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. - Salvadore Dali
Which is More Effective-Prayer or Thievery
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” - Emo Philips
Is the Best Part of You Underground?
“A man who prides himself on his ancestry is like the potato plant, the best part of which is underground” - Spanish Proverb
Rita's Mother's Turkey
“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before” - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-Aerobics
“The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom” - Dave Barry
Ain't It The Truth
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists. - Leslie Moak Murray
Moments Free of Worry?
We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. - Cullen Hightower
Experience?
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams
Yes, There's California
There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California. - Edward Abbey
How Many Masterpieces Were Mistakes?
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. - Scott Adams
Bob Hope's Hope
"I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there." - Bob Hope, about his golfing
Steven Wright's Neighbors are...
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! - Steven Wright
Just Show Me Somebody Naked
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
Humor From The Horsey Set!
* Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
* Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she'll never be a nag.
* The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
*** 13 Good Reasons To Choose a Horse Over a Husband:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
* Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she'll never be a nag.
* The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
*** 13 Good Reasons To Choose a Horse Over a Husband:
If they don't work out you can sell them.
They don't come with in-laws.
You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.
You never have to iron their saddle pads.
If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.
They smell good when they sweat.
You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.
It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".
You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.
They don't want their turn at the computer.
They turn white with age, but not bald.
They learn to accept restraint.
They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.
There's No Cure
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." - Dorothy Parker
Family Ghosts
If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. - Ashleigh Brilliant
All Creatures Great and Small...
"Cockroaches really put my "all creatures great and small" creed to the test." - Astrid Alauda
Beware The Bus
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. - Bob Rubin
PC vs Dog
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. - Doug Larson
Poor Cindy...
You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping. - Cindy Crawford
Do The Rules Require That All of Them Drown?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? - Steven Wright
Husband or Bike?
"The bicycle is just as good company as most husbands and, when it gets old and shabby, a woman can dispose of it and get a new one without shocking the entire community." - Ann Strong
Corporation
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. - Ambrose Bierce
A Woman of Accomplishment
Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” - Conan O'Brien
Canine Justice Will Prevail!
Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that? - Jay Leno
Hollywood?
“Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God.” - Erica Jong
Carpe Diem But Not at 6am!
"I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet." - Joanne Sherman
Watching Your Daughter...
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." - Jim Bishop
Politicians Are Like Diapers?
"Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. " - A Wise Unknown Author
Murder is Always a Mistake
“Murder is always a mistake - one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner” - Oscar Wilde
Kitty Quotes
"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Anonymous
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." - Anonymous Wife
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Anonymous
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." - Anonymous Wife
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
A Horse's Horse: The Wonderful Mr. Ed!
"I never play horseshoes because mother taught us not to throw our clothes around."
-Mr. Ed
-Mr. Ed
The Most Common Allergy
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness. - James Thurber
What's Denigrate Mean?
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart
Best Crime Practices
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Anonymous
Rodney's Wife
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. - Rodney Dangerfield
This Keeps Parents Going
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller
An Irishman, A Mexican and a Blonde
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Men's Magazines
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
Steven's Psychic Girlfriend
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright
Condensed Milk
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. - Fred Allen
Albert Einstein and Snickers
Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers." - Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50
Rita Requested a Fake
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." - Rita Rudner
Erma Sums Up The Fourth!
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. - Erma Bombeck
Women-Don't Get a Tattoo.
"Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor." - Billy Elmer
A Steak in Reality!
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. - Woody Allen
If You Haven't Got Anything Nice to Say...
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Fred Allen's Analysis of Parties
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host. - Fred Allen
New York Hotel Lady Cashiers
Like all New York hotel lady cashiers she had red hair and had been disappointed in her first husband. - Al Capp
Influenced by Clothes?
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
Stew = Heartburn
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning. - John Barrymore
Rita Dreams of Insomina
Once I went to sleep and dreamed I had insomnia. I woke up the next morning and thought 'Now I can get some sleep'. - Rita Rudner
Meant to Fly?
"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport." - George Winters
Too Much Ex-Lax?
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
Family Travel
"And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind." - Dave Barry
Keep Your Head Down
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
The Secret To a Long Life!
"People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." - Doug Larson
A Perfect Summer Day!
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent
That One Special Person
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
What Happened?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane
Dave Barry Turns 40 Again!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry on "Your Disintegrating Body"
Good Acting Definition
"Acting: An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." - Ralph Richardson
Tasty Wood
Some primal termite knocked on wood and tasted it, and found it good.That is why your Cousin May fell through the parlor floor today. - Ogden Nash
Woody Needs a Clear Sign
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." - Woody Allen
Be Thankful for Slow Rolls-Royce Development!
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely
If It Weren't for Electricity...
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.
Joan Rivers is Getting Old
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. - Joan Rivers
Do Not Walk Anywhere Around Me!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. - An angry unknown
Watch Out Titanic
I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew that my IQ had been damaged. - Steven King
Women are Like Elephants
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W.C. Fields
Homer's Work Ethic
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." - Homer Simpson
Four Basic Food Groups Lesson
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. - Anonymous
Who's In Charge?
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. - Jerry Seinfeld
Three Blondes on Death Row
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Folk Singers and Light Bulbs
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
* Courtroom Funnies:
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Should a Man Be Taught How to Fish?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - Unknown
Anybody Care if You're Alive?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a car payment. - Unknown, but probably in debt
Jeff Foxworthy
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it? - Jeff Foxworthy
First, Chat With Ex-Wife
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters
New Jersey
The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. - Conan OBrien
Rita's Beauty Plan
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully I plan to have face lifts till my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Member Ice T
"I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles." - Ice T
Gas-X is The Answer!
"I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite." - Les Dawson
Commercial Hatred
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock
Media Hatred
My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too. - Peter De Vries
Hot Dogs and America
Only in America - do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight” - Unknown
The Smallest?
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest. - Neil Kinnock
The Transformation of Elvis?
They say Elvis is dead. I say, no, you're looking at him. Elvis isn't dead; he just changed color. - Dennis Rodman
French Army Rifle on eBay
Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day - the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.' - Roy Blunt
Happy Memorial Day-Help Active/Retired Military!
Happy memorial day from Classic Funny Quotes!
Please help the active military by donating to this more than worthy cause at "Operation Gratitude". Right now they have a "Patriotic Drive" going to get donations to send to the active military serving overseas. They are collecting items till June 15 so there's time to send what you can:
http://www.opgratitude.com/index.php
And ........
Another way you can help, especially if you're an Employer or know of a job opening, you can help ex-military find a job. Most people don't know anyone in the military so all they think of are stereotypes and either won't hire them or they give them lowly jobs not equal to their skills.
If you are ex-military or know someone who is and is having a difficult time finding a job, send them over to:
www.hireahero.com
Editor Pat
Please help the active military by donating to this more than worthy cause at "Operation Gratitude". Right now they have a "Patriotic Drive" going to get donations to send to the active military serving overseas. They are collecting items till June 15 so there's time to send what you can:
http://www.opgratitude.com/index.php
And ........
Another way you can help, especially if you're an Employer or know of a job opening, you can help ex-military find a job. Most people don't know anyone in the military so all they think of are stereotypes and either won't hire them or they give them lowly jobs not equal to their skills.
If you are ex-military or know someone who is and is having a difficult time finding a job, send them over to:
www.hireahero.com
Editor Pat
Sam's Shoe Policy
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. - Samuel Goldwyn
Popcorn Pancakes?
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves - W.C. Fields
Steven in Vegas
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. - Steven Wright
Mae West
“I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.” - Mae West
I Mean, Come On, Hello!
I mean, come on, hello! The way I see it, I'm not that big of a prize. - Clay Aiken
Rita's Parents
“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them” - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-DNA
“DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.” - Dave Barry
Aunt Marion Was Right...
Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door. - Cartoonist Charles Schulz
Consultants
Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company. - Cartoonist Scott Adams
If Dogs Could Talk....
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. - Andy Rooney
You Might Be a Redneck if...
"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it." - Jeff Foxworthy
Albert Brooks on Bullfights
"Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it." - Albert Brooks
Poor Unfortunate Fashion Models
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. - Dave Barry
Newman's First Law
Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down. - Paul Newman
Your Mother-in-Law
Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel. - Josh Billings
Birds and Bees and Woodpeckers
"My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. " - Bob Hope
Rodney's Marriage
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. - Rodney Dangerfield
The Florida Law
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
Rita's Wisdom
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' - Rita Rudner
Money or Smarts?
"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. " - Will Rogers
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