Erma: Here Come the Buzzards!

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck

Massachusetts or Chevy?

Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It’s a Chevy truck. Which is harder to believe? Massachusetts elects a Republican or Chevy makes a truck that can go 200,000 miles? - David Letterman

Behind Every Successful Man.....

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. - Groucho

Never Knows What to Get For Dad

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. - Rita Rudner

Eating Rice Cakes

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. - Dave Barry


When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Don't Use Tarot Cards!

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

Harry Reid

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a “negro dialect.” Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman “talks all Moses-y.” - Conan O'Brien

We have the best government that money can buy. - Mark Twain

Least Popular Boy's Names for 2009

The most popular boys’ names in 2009 were Ethan, Noah, and Logan. The least popular boy name for 2009: Tiger Madoff Gosselin. - Jay Leno

Joan Rivers Prevented From Entering Country

Joan Rivers is reportedly very angry because on Sunday she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make. - Conan O'Brien

Jail Over Relatives.....

A man in Sicily had himself arrested so he wouldn’t have to spend the holidays with his relatives. How many guys are going, “Why didn’t we think of that?” - Jay Leno

Eighteen Years Behind

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. - Phyllis Diller

Hitchcock-The Perfect Cure

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it. - Alfred Hitchcock