Wit From Art Buchwald

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him. - Art Buchwald

Camping-Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry

Ambrose Bierce Quote

"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth." - Ambrose Bierce

Funny By Steven Wright

"I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance." - Steven Wright

Kidnapped-Rodney Dangerfield

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" - Rodney Dangerfield

Joan Rivers Funny

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them" - Joan Rivers

Tina Fey Quote

Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die. - Tina Fey

Ellen DeGeneres Funny

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres

Funny by Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

Peter De Vries Quote

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter De Vries

Quote by Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Mae West Quote

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported. - Mae West

Vegetarian-Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner

Babies-Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? - Jeff Foxworthy

W.C.Fields Funny

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W. C. Fields

Funny From Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck

Pete Seeger Quote

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. - Pete Seeger

Hollywood Happiness-Rex Reed

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. - Rex Reed

Funny From Alan King

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King

Shirley Temple Black Quote

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black


There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors. - E.C. McKenzie

Snow-Carl Reiner

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. - Carl Reiner

Albert Einstein Formula

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

Lily Tomlin Funny

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin

Funny From Bob Hope

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. - Bob Hope

Quote From Margaret Thatcher

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. - Margaret Thatcher

Mother Teresa Quote

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa

Quote From Dorothy Parker

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker

James Thurber Hates Women

I hate women because they always know where things are. - James Thurber

Immortality-Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen

Quote From Pres. Dwight D. Eisenhower

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. - Pres. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Wit From Pres. John F. Kennedy

I know that the White House was designed by James Hoban, a noted Irish-American architect, and I have no doubt that he believed by incorporating several features of the Dublin style he would make it more homelike for any president of Irish descent. It was a long wait, but I appreciate his efforts. - Pres. John F. Kennedy

Pres. Ronald Reagan Quote

The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination. - Pres. Ronald Reagan

Fred Allen-Television

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. - Fred Allen

Drinking Too Much-Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Income Tax-Noel Coward

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday. - Noel Coward

Harrison Ford Quote

You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them. - Harrison Ford

Kinky Friedman Y'all

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. - Kinky Friedman

Rock Journalism-Frank Zappa

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa

Man's Best Friend-Anon.

It's no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk. - Anon.

Steven Wright-Speed Waiting

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. - Steven Wright

Golf-Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

Jim Morrison Quote

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts. - Jim Morrison

Quote From Sir Winston Churchill

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed - Sir Winston Churchill

Ogden Nash Wit

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it - Ogden Nash

Funny by Dave Barry

Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot! - Dave Barry

Brides-Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce

Diets-Jackie Gleason

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

Phyllis Diller Wit

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller

Totie Fields Funny

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. - Totie Fields

Country Music Slam From Bob Newhart

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down' - Bob Newhart

Television and Psychiatry-Alfred Hitchcock

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it. - Alfred Hitchcock

Quote From Alice Roosevelt Longworth

If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Steven King's Horror-Filled Funny

People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk. - Steven King

Funny From Mae West

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. - Mae West

George Burns Quote

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. - George Burns

Dolly Parton Wisdom

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap! - Dolly Parton