Wit From Art Buchwald
People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him. - Art Buchwald
Ambrose Bierce Quote
"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth." - Ambrose Bierce
Funny By Steven Wright
"I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance." - Steven Wright
Kidnapped-Rodney Dangerfield
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" - Rodney Dangerfield
Tina Fey Quote
Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die. - Tina Fey
Ellen DeGeneres Funny
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
Funny by Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
Peter De Vries Quote
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter De Vries
Quote by Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Vegetarian-Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner
Babies-Jeff Foxworthy
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? - Jeff Foxworthy
Funny From Erma Bombeck
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck
Pete Seeger Quote
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. - Pete Seeger
Hollywood Happiness-Rex Reed
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. - Rex Reed
Funny From Alan King
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King
Shirley Temple Black Quote
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black
Thankful-E.C.McKenzie
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors. - E.C. McKenzie
Snow-Carl Reiner
A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. - Carl Reiner
Albert Einstein Formula
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein
Lily Tomlin Funny
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
Funny From Bob Hope
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. - Bob Hope
Quote From Margaret Thatcher
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. - Margaret Thatcher
Mother Teresa Quote
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa
Quote From Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker
Immortality-Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Quote From Pres. Dwight D. Eisenhower
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. - Pres. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Wit From Pres. John F. Kennedy
I know that the White House was designed by James Hoban, a noted Irish-American architect, and I have no doubt that he believed by incorporating several features of the Dublin style he would make it more homelike for any president of Irish descent. It was a long wait, but I appreciate his efforts. - Pres. John F. Kennedy
Pres. Ronald Reagan Quote
The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination. - Pres. Ronald Reagan
Fred Allen-Television
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. - Fred Allen
Drinking Too Much-Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney Dangerfield
Income Tax-Noel Coward
I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday. - Noel Coward
Harrison Ford Quote
You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them. - Harrison Ford
Kinky Friedman Y'all
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. - Kinky Friedman
Rock Journalism-Frank Zappa
Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa
Steven Wright-Speed Waiting
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. - Steven Wright
Golf-Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
Quote From Sir Winston Churchill
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed - Sir Winston Churchill
Ogden Nash Wit
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it - Ogden Nash
Funny by Dave Barry
Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot! - Dave Barry
Diets-Jackie Gleason
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Phyllis Diller Wit
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
Totie Fields Funny
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. - Totie Fields
Country Music Slam From Bob Newhart
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down' - Bob Newhart
Television and Psychiatry-Alfred Hitchcock
Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it. - Alfred Hitchcock
Quote From Alice Roosevelt Longworth
If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Steven King's Horror-Filled Funny
People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk. - Steven King
George Burns Quote
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. - George Burns
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