Strength Is ...
Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of those pieces - Judith Viorst
Give Me a Couple of Years and...
"Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success." - Samuel Goldwyn
Hillary Made an Honest Mistake...
"Hillary now says she just made an honest mistake . . . there was no hostile fire of any kind. Ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." - Jay Leno
That Thing on Donald Trump's Head
It was so nice in New York City today, that thing on Donald Trump’s head shed its coat. - David Letterman
There's Nothing More Dangerous...
"There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot." - Scott Adams
Another Sam Goldwyn Pearl of Wisdom
I want everyone to tell me the truth, even if it costs him his job. - Producer Sam Goldwyn
Dave Barry-It's Inhumane!
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles." - Dave Barry
Poker With Tarot Cards?
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Seven Wright
Check Your Fan Belt
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt. - Thelma and Louise
Happy St. Pat's!
"An Englishmen thinks seated; a Frenchmen standing; an American pacing, an Irishman, afterwards." - Austin O'Malley
Just Make The Horn Louder
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright's Mechanic
An Election Is Coming...
An election is coming. Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry. - T. S. Elliot
Marriage
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. - Ogden Nash
More School Excuses!
* “Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”
* "Please excuse Joyce from jim today".
* “Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
* “Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”
* "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
* "Please excuse Joyce from jim today".
* “Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
* “Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”
* "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
Scoffing At Ancient Beliefs
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.” - Jack Handy
Other People's Funerals
“Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours” - Yogi Berra
Neverland Ranch
Terrible news for Michael Jackson. News is he is filing bankruptcy, and he is being forced to sell Neverland Ranch. It’s too bad Michael has to sell the Neverland: It’s a huge estate that covers 2,800 acres; it has an amusement park; it can sleep up to 50 children uncomfortably . . . - Craig Ferguson
"The Pet Diaries"
This wonderfully humorous writing is courtesy of "The Humor Archives":
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
It WAS Useless I Agree
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. - Nicholas Chamfort
Conclusions: Tired Thinking
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Arthur McBride Bloch
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