Smart Oscar Nominees Do the Botox Thing...

The smart nominees get Botox injections before the Academy Awards so if they lose, we won’t see the rage lurking behind their frozen faces. - Joan Rivers

Facebook vs Twitter vs Myspace Friends

The only thing worse than bumping into Facebook friends while you’re with your Twitter friends is when your Myspace friends try to rob you. - Guy Endore-Kaiser

2 Out of Every 3 Americans .....

2 out of every 3 Americans are overweight and do not like the health care bill. Unless it comes with fries. - Denis Leary

Weird Al Miffed at Pres. Pierce

Somehow I can't bring myself to celebrate Presidents' Day, because I'm still pretty p.o.'d at Franklin Pierce. - Weird Al Yankovic

Walking the Dogs in the Snow

Walking my dogs in the snow takes preparation. Long johns, ski pants, boots, gloves, earmuffs, scarf, coat...then I have to dress myself! - Joan Rivers

Too Bad

My daughter asked me not to come drunk to her school play. Too bad, I really wanted to see it. - Conan O'Brien

Scientists Predict Big Earthquake for NY.....

Scientist: Big NY earthquake expected anytime soon. If I wanna see a giant crack in Manhattan, I’ll bend over and look in the mirror! - Lisa Lampinelli

Denis Leary Funnies......

Starbucks has a new giant coffee named Trenta. Comes w/ David Blaine inside holding his breath.

If Charlie Sheen enters rehab Porn industry and coke dealers will brace for recession.

Report: World may soon run out of food. But strangely enough - not Kardashians.

Report: Maritime piracy robs global economy of $9 billion a year. 13 if you count Johnny Depp DVDs.

Thanks a lot Christina Aguilera. Now they're gonna make singing The National Anthem part of the field sobriety test.

Rodney and His Wife.......

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. - Rodney Dangerfield

Leno Funnies.......

According to Glamour magazine, 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online. The other 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online.

Charlie Sheen gave an anti-drug lecture to the UCLA baseball team. I understand this week, they’re bringing in Lindsay Lohan to talk about stealing bases.

Health officials are investigating the Playboy mansion after more than 80 guests at a party became sick with some strain of Legionnaires disease. If you spend a night at the Playboy mansion and all you get is Legionnaires disease, consider yourself lucky.

How Aniston Keeps Her Metabolism Up at 42

Jen Aniston tell “People” how she keeps metabolism up at 42. Apparently it comes from running away from good movie scripts & a 2nd marriage! - Lisa Lampinelli

Gaga Arrives in Egg.....

Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys in a gigantic egg. She's gone from biting off Madonna to biting off Mork. - Billy Eichner

The First Winter on Record That.....

NYC may be freezing, but thanks to PETA this is the first winter on record that the polar bears at the Bronx Zoo are wearing fake fur. - Joan Rivers

4 Out of 5 Sheens Can Agree

A new study found that coffee and aspirin are the best cures for a hangover. In fact, it’s recommended by 4 out of 5 Sheens.  - Jimmy Fallon

Vintage Valentine Cards

Check out the Entertaining (Unintentionally Creepy) Vintage Valentine postcards at Huffington Post.

White Castle Announced.....

White Castle announced that they’re taking reservations for Valentine’s Day. They say it’s the perfect place to take that special lady you never want to see again. - Conan

In Egypt They Said Exactly The Opposite

Charlie Sheen sent a text message to E! News saying that people should stop worrying about him and worry about the situation in Egypt. It was weird because people in Egypt said exactly the opposite. - Jimmy Fallon

Make Joan Your Valentine!

It’s February 3rd, which can only mean one thing. Eleven days left until men ignore me for the 77th Valentine’s Day in a row.  - Joan Rivers

Good Idea Rita

I'm seriously considering canceling our family vacation to Egypt.  - Rita Rudner

Jimmy Fallon Funnies......

Taco Bell is being sued for failing to meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef. But you can tell they’ve addressed the issue by their new slogan: "Taco Bell: we now meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef."

Bristol Palin recently announced that she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their baby’s name.

A pop star in Indonesia was sentenced to more than three years in jail for making a sex tape. Wow, that’s much worse than the penalty you get here — becoming rich and famous.

A minor league baseball team in Ohio will hold a promotion called "Three Dog Night," where they'll sell a hot dog stuffed in bratwurst, stuffed in kielbasa. Then all three of those will be stuffed in a fat guy, stuffed in a suit, stuffed in a coffin, stuffed in the ground.

Suggestion for Charlie Sheen.....

Charlie Sheen admitted to hospital for “hernia.” Maybe he should try switching to a lighter crack pipe!  - Lisa Lampinelli