Joan Rivers Says.....

Why do I always get the ugliest Xmas gifts? You know it's bad when the nicest thing you can say is, "I'd be so upset if this caught fire."

I hate bad Christmas gifts. I just got Susan Boyle’s new book of styling tips. Tip #33: How to turn a shopping bag into a smart accessory.

Congress overturned "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" and I’m very excited. Civil rights aside, I can’t wait to see the Army’s spring looks.

Lisa Lampanelli Funnies.....

Obama praises Eagles for giving Vick a 2nd chance. Family dog, Bo, immediately goes into hiding in White House!

*  Gillette drops Tiger endorsement, joins Gatorade & Tag Heuer. Look 4 a bearded, dehydrated Woods with no sense of time on a golf course near you!

84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he’s the same age as Jesus!

Creative Snowman Design

Justin Bieber and the Los Angeles Rains

It’s been raining so hard that the rain briefly washed the hair out of Justin Bieber’s eyes. - Conan

Home Simpson Wisdom...

"People can come up with statistics to prove anything...Forty percent of all people know that." – Homer Simpson.

Sandwich Named After Tiger Woods

I ate dinner at the Stage Deli the other night. I had the sandwich named for Tiger Woods. It consists of 8 different pieces of meat. - Joan Rivers

Conan Funnies

After a long and illustrious career, this is Larry King’s last week on TV. Larry said the call-in portion of his show really took off after they invented the telephone.

Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah

Costco will no longer sell Apple products in their stores. Apparently, nobody wants a 124-pack of iPads.  

Bill Eichner Funnies...

All you need to know about America is that before you wake up tomorrow a large number of people will have already died in a shopping stampede.

Looking for a new verb? Whenever you're sitting around being talentless and famous for absolutely no reason, you're Kardashian'.

My sister just went through security at JFK and now she's pregnant. 

If There's One Thing That's Reassuring.....

Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there’s one thing that’s reassuring, it’s seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter. - Jimmy Fallon

Charles Manson Hiding a Cell Phone.....

Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under his mattress in prison. And you thought it was creepy getting a text message from Brett Favre. - Conan

Jimmy Fallon Funnies

Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it’s not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, go outside and look at something.

 A scientist in the U.K. has figured out that April 11, 1954 was the most boring day in history. Which is why I’ve started calling “Skating With The Stars” the “April 11, 1954 of TV shows.”

A new study found that good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons. And ugly people are more likely to have cats.

Requesting Seconds on Pat-Downs!

It’s so cold in St. Louis that travelers are requesting seconds on TSA pat-downs just to stay warm. - Craig Ferguson

Joan's Dentist is Greedy.....

About to deliver a lecture to dentists from around the world. My dentist is very greedy. He offers his patients candy while they're waiting.

On my way to Florida and I'm a bit cranky. Pushed ahead of 12 wheelchairs while boarding....ALL of whom got out and strutted onto the plane.

I am so excited to be performing in Florida tonight. It is one of the few places I go where I get to feel young. 

Brett Favre-Two More Years

The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years. - Conan

Jay Leno Funnies...

There’s a Nerf automatic dart gun that fires 60 darts in 20 seconds. Our kids are so fat now that it takes 60 darts to take them down.

Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks.

WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.

A man was arrested on Black Friday at a Walmart in Palm Beach, Fla. carrying a gun, two knives, and a grenade. Residents of Palm Beach were stunned and said, “We have a Walmart here?”

Sorry Cat People.....

A new study found that dogs are smarter than cats because their friendliness has helped them develop bigger brains. Cat people would complain about the findings, but that would involve interacting with other humans. - Jimmy Kimmel

TSA Airport Pat-Down Funnies.....

 Craig Ferguson:

Everyone in Nashville is very friendly. Before the TSA searches you, they kiss you right on the lips. 

Jimmy Fallon:

A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker’s hand.


Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent

"Do I need a degree in groping?"
"Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"
"If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
"Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
"If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
"Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
"In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
"Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
"May I frisk myself?"
"What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?" 

Back to the Mine!

All 33 of the trapped Chilean miners were visiting Los Angeles. But after a day of sitting in traffic, they decided to go back to the mine. - Conan

Craig Ferguson on Geezer Bandit

Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber. How are you looking for someone and you know his exact age?

Police have nicknamed the robber the “Geezer Bandit.” They described him as “armed and flatulent.”

Victims of the Geezer Bandit’s last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids.

Saturday Night Live "Wizard of Oz" Clip

Here's a funny Saturday Night Live satire clip of a character edited out of the Wizard of Oz. Anne Hathaway plays Dorothy.


Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?   - Homer Simpson

Senior Olympics Nutrition Scandal!

This weekend was the 20th annual Senior Citizen Olympics in Southern California. I heard 90 percent of the athletes tested positive for Ensure. - Jimmy Fallon

Complaints About Full-Body Scanners at Airports

The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor. - Jay Leno

Craig Ferguson-Poor George.....

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, “memoir” is just a fancy word for “a bunch of stuff that happened to me.”

Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of.

Apple Launches Online Store in China

Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple said this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the kids who make them. - Conan

Sally Field and Spiderman

It’s rumored that Sally Field is going to be in the next “Spider-man” movie. This is the one where Spider-man fights his old nemesis, Decreased Bone Density.

Conan O'Brien

I just got the news that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’ key demographic: people that can’t afford HBO.

I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

Steven Wright.....

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.” 

Jimmy Fallon

Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea.

The unemployment rate has gone up — by about 65 Democrats.

The Curse

The world’s oldest woman passed away at the age of 114. So the curse of the world’s oldest woman continues - Craig Ferguson

Billy Eichner-Miners.....

So is it safe to not care about miners again? - Billy Eichner

Anita Renfroe's Hilarious "Don't Breathe"

This is a parody of Faith Hill's video "Breathe" taped by member of the audience during an Anita Renfroe Show:

Again-Joan, Joan, Joan.....

Very upset today. Just lost a "Dry Vagina" commercial, I suspect, to Mary Tyler Moore.

Plane delayed. Trying to get to Iowa. One question: Why? Isn't everyone trying to get out of Iowa?

Lots of talk on the View about Charlie Sheen. CBS has changed the name of the show to Two and a Half Men and a Child-Protection Officer.

The Scariest Thing You'll See.....

Critics say “Paranormal Activity 2” is the scariest thing you’ll see all year. Unless you get a text message from Brett Favre. - Craig Ferguson

Dave Barry Quotes

"There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary."

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."

Getting Married at Mickey D's

Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald’s in Hong Kong. I’m not saying those marriages won’t work, but when have you been to a McDonald’s and not regretted it one hour later? - Jimmy Fallon

Mark Twain Gems.....

*  It is a solemn thought: dead, the noblest man's meat is inferior to pork. 

*  Be careful about reading health books-you might die of a misprint.

*  Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. 

* When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. 

* I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.  

Joan, Joan, Joan.....

Giving a lecture in Texas. Going across the border into Mexico so I can sneak into the US as Juanita Rios. All of the benefits and no taxes!

Thrilled the Chilean miners are out. As I suspected they sent the best looking ones up first. They're getting uglier as the day goes on.

Life’s VERY different since shooting my documentary. Cameras no longer follow me around. Now I know what it feels like to be Sharon Stone. 

95,000 Jobs Lost

It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House. - Jay Leno

Bedbugs & Ikea

 Funnies from Jimmy Fallon:

I bought one of those memory foam mattresses. It’s amazing. It actually molds to the shape of your bedbugs.

The Swedish prime minister was re-elected. He was happy to keep his seat, mostly because it took 85 hours to assemble from Ikea.

Trump Running for President?

Donald Trump is running for president. He’s already got a short list of running mates. He’s thinking about Cyndi Lauper, Hulk Hogan, Melissa Rivers, Sharon Osbourne . . . He’s ready to go. - David Letterman

Jimmy Fallon Funnies...

Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as "sit," "stay," and "fix the economy.”

The NFL fined Titans defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil $40,000 for flipping officials off on Sunday. When Cecil was asked to comment on the fine, he said, "Well, let's just say it's up to $80,000."

He Wanted More Proof

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. - Rodney D.

Ben & Jerrys

It was so hot in Los Angeles that instead of Botox, people were getting injections of Ben & Jerry’s. - Craig Ferguson

Facebook Phone?

There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school. - Jimmy  Fallon


E! is coming out with a new reality show called "Bridalplasty" where brides-to-be compete to win plastic surgery. Because what every woman wants is for their husband to lift that veil and finally say those beautiful, heartfelt words: “Oh, thank God you got rid of that thing.” - Jimmy Fallon


A new study found that exercise can help relieve insomnia. Or if you’re like most Americans, just thinking about exercise can help relieve insomnia. - Jimmy Fallon

Jay Leno Funnies.....

Nancy Pelosi’s Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier.

President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there.

*  For the first time ever, Microsoft’s Bing search engine has more users in America than Yahoo!. I heard that on Google.

Performer Amy Phillips Satirizing Rachel Zoe's "Recession-Couture"

Most American cable TV viewers know of the "Rachel Zoe Project."The show features celebrity stylist "Rachel Zoe", her assistants and family. Performer Amy Phillips is the premier Rachel Zoe impersonator. In her satirical videos she teases, mocks and impersonates Rachel unmercifully. This video shows Rachel/Amy attempting to help a homeless woman by designing her a new dress she calls "Recession-Couture." If you're a regular viewer of Rachel's show you'll find this video hysterical!

More GaGa Slams!

Comedian Billy Eichner Slams GaGa:

I started out with Bieberfever and now thanks to Lady Gaga I have salmonella.

Madonna rode the subway in NYC yesterday! I can only assume that means Lady Gaga will ride the subway today, but not as good.

Joan Rivers-Jersey Shore's Snooki is an Organ Donor.....

I read that Snooki is an organ donor, which should make future recipients very happy since Snooki's body has never rejected anything. - Joan R.

Old Forgotten Irish Saying.....

"May Your Rear End Be On The Toilet Before The Devil Knows Your Constipated."

Ba Ba Walters and Lady GaGa!

Craig Ferguson:

Barbara Walters was back on “The View” after heart surgery. The doctor said she’ll make a full recovery as long as she avoids stress, loud noises, and arguments.

Lady Gaga is on a magazine cover wearing a bikini made of raw meat. I’d be grossed out if that was on my skin. And the meat is pretty gross too.

Shallow in Hollyweird

People in Hollywood are very shallow. They have handicapped parking spots for women who have never had breast implants. - Joan R.

Don't Hate Me

                             JUST BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL

Poker Using Tarot Cards

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

Law and Lawyers

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers. - George Savile

Botox Statement

The maker of Botox has been ordered to pay $600 million after marketing the drug for unapproved uses. In a statement, Botox said, “Even if it's hard to tell from our expression, we are extremely disappointed by this decision." - Jimmy Fallon

Paris Hilton Thought.....

Paris Hilton told police that she thought the cocaine found in her purse was gum. Well, she also thought her last CD was music. - Jay Leno

Joan on The Emmys.....

Betty White, at 88, looked great at the Emmys in a waterproof dress that was split up the back. Jack Kevorkian followed her around all night!

New York City Bedbug Problem

New York City has a problem with bedbugs. When I check into a hotel here, I always wear a flea collar. - David Letterman

Madonna's Birthday...

I went to Madonna’s birthday party last night. Wow! The cake had 52 candles on it, one for each child she’s stolen from Africa. - Joan Rivers
Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it. - Samuel Goldwyn