Women are Like Ovens

Women are like ovens. We need 5 to 15 minutes to heat up. - Sandra Bullock

The Smallest?

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest. - Neil Kinnock

The Transformation of Elvis?

They say Elvis is dead. I say, no, you're looking at him. Elvis isn't dead; he just changed color. - Dennis Rodman

French Army Rifle on eBay

Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day - the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.' - Roy Blunt

Happy Memorial Day-Help Active/Retired Military!

Happy memorial day from Classic Funny Quotes!

Please help the active military by donating to this more than worthy cause at "Operation Gratitude". Right now they have a "Patriotic Drive" going to get donations to send to the active military serving overseas. They are collecting items till June 15 so there's time to send what you can:

And ........
Another way you can help, especially if you're an Employer or know of a job opening, you can help ex-military find a job. Most people don't know anyone in the military so all they think of are stereotypes and either won't hire them or they give them lowly jobs not equal to their skills.
If you are ex-military or know someone who is and is having a difficult time finding a job, send them over to:

Editor Pat

Sam's Shoe Policy

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. - Samuel Goldwyn

Popcorn Pancakes?

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves - W.C. Fields

Steven in Vegas

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. - Steven Wright

Mae West

“I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.” - Mae West

Owners and Staff

Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff - Unknown

I Mean, Come On, Hello!

I mean, come on, hello! The way I see it, I'm not that big of a prize. - Clay Aiken

Rita's Parents

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them” - Rita Rudner

Dave Barry-DNA

“DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.” - Dave Barry


“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” - Steven Wright

Aunt Marion Was Right...

Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door. - Cartoonist Charles Schulz


Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company. - Cartoonist Scott Adams