Heading to The Park

Heading to the park. Packed diapers, wipes, and juice boxes. I guess I should bring stuff for the kids too. - Jim Gaffigan

Still Waiting.....

To celebrate Memorial Day, Melissa is having a big barbecue for family and friends. I’m still waiting for my invitation. - Joan Rivers

Conan Funnies.....

According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who are depressed. The study was conducted by the University of — oh, what’s the point?

The Kardashian sisters announced that they are writing a novel. The only thing that would shock me more would be to find out that they’re reading a novel.

A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be “wasting your time on Facebook.”


“The Voice” is a big hit on NBC. Yes, NBC has a hit show. That’s probably why that preacher thought the world was going to end. - Leno

Jim Gaffigan and Kids.....

Trying to explain to my kids that God doesn’t like talking on Sunday mornings.
Funny how “Congrats” always sounds like “You’re crazy” after you tell someone you are about to have your 4th child.

We are expecting our 4th child in June or as I refer to it bankruptcy.

What Would Walt Think?

Disney is trademarking the phrase “SEAL Team 6,” after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, “This would make a great Disney movie.” - Jimmy Fallon

Schwarzenegger & Shriver

According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English. - Leno

At Least 4 Days!

Can we stop with the holidays? I’d like to go 4 days without feeling like I have to get drunk, eat candy or buy someone a present. - Jim Gaffigan

Happy Mother's Day!

Last Mother's Day Melissa gave me a fur coat. Not sure what kind, but every time I put it on, I get the urge to tip over a garbage can. - Joan Rivers

Stay at Home and Drink Instant!

Starbucks is quickly becoming a popular place for thieves to steal iPads, laptops, and purses. It’s pretty crazy. I mean, can you imagine getting robbed while you’re just trying to pay $6 for a cup of coffee? - Jimmy Fallon

He Really Suffered Then.....

Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching “Celebrity Apprentice.” - Conan