No Difference?

There is no difference between the sound of a woman giving birth and the sound of a woman removing ski boots. - Dave Barry

Practice Tongue Safety!

"hey let's serve our coffee at 5,000 degrees and burn everyone's tongue!" - John Starbuck to Sue Starbuck - Jim Gaffigan

Full Moon

As far as the Moon is concerned, he is always full. - Terri Guillemets

Ireland's Version of Cheers.....

Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show “Cheers.” Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, “Reality TV.” - Jimmy Fallon

Christmas Funnies...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. - Joan Rivers

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.  This wasn't for any religious reasons.  They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.  - Jay Leno

Who'd Have Ever Guessed?

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special!  How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? - Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Far, Really Far and .....

The DEA says drug smugglers in Mexico are using canons to shoot marijuana over into the U.S. They have three distances — far, really far, and Willie Nelson's house. - Craig Ferguson

Oldies But Goodies

* Q: What is the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towels.

* Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

* Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Large Sofa Needed!

                      Can We Please Get a Bigger Couch.

Eggnog, Cakes, Pies, Fruitcake, Figgy Pudding.....

I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December. - Jim Gaffigan

Two Laps Around Cinnabon!

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in. - Conan O'Brien

Rita's Resolution

My New Years Resolution,,,,eat more gluten.  - Rita Rudner

Why Is That?

There are now 20 million people in America who do yoga. And none of whom ever shut up about the fact that they do yoga. - Jimmy Fallon


In a way people that work in coffee shops are also First Responders. - Jim Gaffigan

A Lady Never Tells Her Age?

The oldest woman in the world died yesterday. She was 116 but had been telling people she was 114 - Rita Rudner


John McAfee can hide out here if he promises to completely uninstall his Security Center and I mean totally. - Twitter's Pourmecoffee

Jimmy Kimmel on Texting

For the first time, texting has started to decline. A new report has found that the average number of text messages that cellphone customers in the U.S. sends has dropped from 700 a month on average to 675 a month. Maybe texting is down because a lot of the people who text and drive are now dead.

 It makes sense when you think about it. Because 20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we're just taking the next logical step.

Now we send nothing. We finally realized we don't have anything to say to each other.

NBC Turned 86

The network NBC turns 86 years old today. And like most 86-year-olds, it watches CBS. - Craig Ferguson


We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years, and justify our existence... on pain of liquidation. - George Bernard Shaw

The Turkey is Gone.....

The turkey is gone, said goodbye to my lips but I do not despair, it remains on my hips. - Rita Rudner

Could It Be True?

In time, it will be clear that bitch Little Debbie was behind Hostess closing. She will stop at nothing to defeat her enemies.- Twitter's Pourmecoffee

Rita's Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving brings back memories. Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner

Erma Bombeck on Thanksgiving

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets.  I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?  - Erma Bombeck

Sounds Good!

FYI when I take over the world I will make Monday part of the weekend. You’re welcome. - Jim Gaffigan

Joan Disses Bieber Fans...

Attention Beliebers: Calm down and do your homework. Unlike lucky little Justin you're going to have to work for a living! - Joan Rivers

Good Dog!

My dog's life mission is to urinate on every square inch of North America. - Dave Barry

Yes, It's Offensive!

Can we just make serving unsalted french fries a federal offense? - Jim Gaffigan

Much Less!

As a Trek fan, whenever I hear "Kardashian" I think of "Cardassian". Granted, the Cardassians were much less evil. - Screenwriter David Coggeshall

Just Worked Out Because......

Just worked out because I want my wife Jeannie to have a husband with hot bod. Thought the gym might be a good place to find the guy. - Jim Gaffigan

Conan O'Brien Funnies

Mars Rover is starting to send back pictures. After studying photos taken by the robot, scientists saying that mars resembles California. Both have large mountains, little water, and the possibility of hidden aliens.

A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

No Doubt!

The person who came up with the term "terrible twos" must have felt really foolish after their kid turned three.” - Jim Gaffigan

She'd Pay Double Not to Hear Bieber

Justin Bieber is being sued for $9 million by a woman who says she went deaf at his concert. I'd pay DOUBLE that to not hear him sing again. - Joan Rivers

Bibles and Kindles

A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles on the nightstands. And then they'll be bringing in more Bibles to replace all those stolen Kindles. - Jimmy Fallon

A Nicotine Vaccine?

Just read that Cornell has developed a nicotine vaccine that works on rodents, which is great if you’re a mouse with a 2-pack-a-day habit. - Joan Rivers

Fixing Planes with Super Glue!

A United Airlines passenger has filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped superglue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier — that a passenger got superglue on her head, or that United fixes their airplanes with superglue. - Jimmy Fallon

Reunited With Their Lost Bulldog

A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog, after it was found 500 miles away. In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people take a hint?” - Jimmy Fallon

Peanut Allergy Drama

At this point why don’t they just open a separate school for kids that don’t have a peanut allergy? - Jim Gaffigan

It Makes Sense!

Just heard that dog owners subconsciously select breeds that match their personalities. It makes sense why I rescue bitches. - Joan Rivers

When Twitter is Down

You learn a lot when #Twitter is down. For example, my wife left me four years ago. - Andy Borowitz

Snookie Decorating Child's Nursery

Just read that Snooki's decorating her child’s nursery herself. Over the bassinet she’s hanging a mobile made entirely from old empties. - Joan Rivers

Americans Exercising?

Lance Armstrong may be in trouble again. An anti-doping agency accused him of using performance-enhancing drugs. Federal authorities got suspicious when they noticed an American was exercising. - Jimmy Kimmel

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall......

My birthday tradition: I ask, "Mirror, mirror on the wall..." and the mirror quickly replies, "After 79 years, it's STILL 'not you'!" - Joan Rivers

Coffee Drinkers Live Longer?

A new study claims that coffee drinkers live longer than people who don't drink coffee. Of course, they spend so much time waiting in line at Starbucks that it evens out. - Conan O'Brien

Happy Memorial Day!

And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
~Lee Greenwood

Organic Foods

New research shows that eating organic foods can make people more arrogant and judgmental. In fact, eating just one handful of organic bean sprouts has the same effect as driving 1,000 miles in a Prius. - Jay Leno

A Recent Survey Found That.......

A recent survey found that more men are finding work in fields that are historically dominated by women. I heard it from a nun at my church — Sister Gary. - Jimmy Fallon

Remote SAP Button?

The guy who invented the TV remote control passed away. And with him died the secret of what the SAP button does. - David Letterman

Mr. T Pities The Fool Who.....

Happy birthday to Mr. T, who turned 60 years old today. You can tell he is getting old. Today he pitied the fool who couldn't get Barry Manilow tickets. - Jimmy Fallon

If There Was an Award.....

If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated. - Jim Gaffigan

Don Rickles at 86

This month of May I'm doing nothing because I'm exhausted from blowing out the candles on my birthday cake - Don Rickles

Texting Tickets in NJ

Cops in Fort Lee, NJ are ticketing pedestrians who text while walking. Wouldn't it be easier to send the summons via text message? - Joan Rivers

At Least!

Time magazine is getting attention for its new cover, which shows a woman breastfeeding her 3-year-old son. The issue is expected to make millions of dollars — and that’s just for the kid’s therapist. - Jimmy Fallon

A Little Mother's Day Advice

A little Mother's Day advice: Always give children the freedom to make mistakes. And THEN never miss a chance to say “I told you so” - Joan Rivers


Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again. - Michael Hoy

Facebook's Net Worth

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook. - Jay Leno

Can't Go 10 Minutes Without Lying?

A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. - Jimmy Fallon

Gluten Free Stuff

Besides tasting terrible, that gluten-free stuff is great - Jim Gaffigan

RIP Amarillo Slim

Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned. They thought he was bluffing. - Jay Leno


Genius. Colleges withholding transcripts of students late on loans so they can't get jobs and pay loans. - Twitter's PourMeCoffee


It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So congratulations to Barbara Walters. - David Letterman

The Lost Milkman

The job of “milkman” is lost to the ages, and with it, the concept of drinking something a stranger left on your porch the night before. - Dana Gould

Soda or Intervention?

Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or an intervention. - Conan O'Brien

Last Minute Cancellation by ...

We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac Hologram. - Jimmy Fallon

Today's Terrible Pun

After I eat a gyro I always falafel. - Jim Gaffigan

Russian Man Wrecks Car Dealership

This Russian man got tired of waiting for his repaired car to be brought out to him and decided revenge was the remedy for bad customer service:

Poor Joan

The IRS called me in because I deducted $400,000 for hair and makeup. They took one look at me in direct sunlight and approved it.  - Joan Rivers

Jim Gaffigan Wonders.......

What vitamin do you have to give kids to get them to flush the toilet? - Jim Gaffigan

Justin Timberlake Home Decor?

Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were lifting my lifetime ban. - Craig Ferguson


I bet the producers of Dancing With The Stars are pretty upset that Charles Manson was denied parole. - Steven Amiri


Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, makes me wish I had genital herpes. - Danny Zuker

Just Anyone Can Comment on YouTube

The best argument for government increasing education spending is the people who comment on YouTube. - Janie Haddad

Not To Be Outdone.....

Not to be outdone by Cory Booker, Chris Christie just ran into a bakery and saved a tray of Cinnamon Rolls from burning. -

Conan O'Brien Funnies.....

Last night Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on "Dancing With the Stars." It's the first time anyone connected with that show has actually seen stars.

In Maryland three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won't mean crap unless you win the lottery.

A Woman Recently Gave Birth To .....

A woman recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy while she was onboard a Delta flight — marking the first time someone flying Delta actually arrived early. - Jimmy Fallon

7 Days

I’m glad Kim Kardashian finally found someone she can spend the rest of her week with.  - Chase Mitchell

Don and Betty

Just finished "Hot In Cleveland" - I keep telling Betty White I'm happily married 46 years, but she keeps saying we can work something out!  - Don Rickles

Agree or Disagree?

There comes a time when an anvil needs to be dropped on something from a great height. That time has come for the Geico gecko. - Dave Barry

Either Way - You Get a Call...

There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half. - Jay Leno

Empire State Building Went Dark and Then .....

On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building. - Jimmy Fallon

Sibling Rivalries

A new study found that 45 percent of adults still have sibling rivalries. Yeah, and guess what? I read that story, like, three days before my sister did. - Jimmy Fallon


Accidentally had Activia this morning with breakfast. Now I poop like a woman. In secret and in under 6 seconds. Damn you Jamie Lee Curtis! - Twitter's TheDeskChicken

Leno: Red Bull Inventor- RIP

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell.

Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids.

What Were They Thinking?

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. - Jimmy Fallon


On this day in 1999, California opened Lego Land theme park. It was supposed to open a few years earlier, but they couldn't find a piece. - Craig Ferguson

Meats to Avoid!

Today's health meat is bad for you. Also avoid blue meat and green meat. - Rita Rudner

No iPad for Rita

Decided to not buy the new I-pad, sticking to my old etch-a-sketch. - Rita Rudner

People in L.A. Are Furious!

Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox. - Craig Ferguson

Motivated Odor Control

My deodorant boasts "Motivated Odor Control". That's good, because if there's one thing I won't tolerate in a deodorant, it's apathy. - David Coggeshall, Screenwriter

Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work

The IT department has blocked access to "Words With Co-Workers "until you people learn the proper names for genitalia.

Ok the rumor that someone in the office got an advance iPad 3 has already led to 6 deaths. Please, from now on...monger responsibly.

March Madness is not covered by Blue Cross. Please stop bothering HR about it.

Dave Barry - The Kid is Not My Son

Let's kill these rumors right now about me being the father of Snooki's baby. - Dave Barry

Nipple Slips at The Oscars?

Both Jennifer Lopez and I have experienced nipple slips at the Oscars. The only difference is that mine was peeking out of an open-toe shoe. - Joan Rivers

Only If He's an Investor

Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience. - Jim Gaffigan

Gambling Addiction?

Researchers in Japan are working on a new drug that could treat gambling addiction. But I’ll bet you 2-to-1 it doesn’t work. - Jimmy Fallon

Chris Brown and Rihanna

Chris Brown and Rihanna have reunited to record two new songs, although I hear it's something they just slapped together. -  Joan Rivers

Leno's Food Riffs.....

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people.

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.

Jim Gaffigan's Food Riffs

"Organic" means diet, right?

Eating hummus is the closest I will ever come to a fasting.

Finally a bite size McNugget. Now I don't have to waste energy chewing.

Happy President's Day.....

Happy President’s Day! There should be a “First Ladies Day” to honor the women who suffered while their husbands slept around with interns. - Joan Rivers


I’m so hungry I could eat something healthy. - Jim Gaffigan

Leno on Chinese V.P. Los Angeles Visit

China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.

The Chinese vice president said the first place he wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite pirated DVD movies were made.

Clean Humor

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. - Jay Leno

Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work

Judy, making an entire outfit from paperclips does not make you the "office Lady Gaga." And PLEASE add some Post-its to cover "down there."

We won't be ordering any more of the "Weekday Sadness" blend for the Keurig. We'll still stock "Goin' Nowhere" and "Not Cocoa."

Jim Gaffigan's Valentine's Day Forecast

And here’s your Valentine’s Day forecast:

Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

Severe Punishment for Madonna Stalker

Police recaptured Madonna's stalker. As a punishment, they're making him watch that movie she just wrote and directed. - Rita Rudner

Stallone & Schwarzenegger

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are teaming up for an action-adventure movie thriller. They think it will be the movie of the year. Yeah, the year is 1983.

I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.

The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.

Being Imperfect

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others. - Doug Larson

Steven Wright Funnies.....

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


6 More Weeks of Winter According To.....

It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter. - Jimmy Fallon

Yes, Please Refer to Salad as Junk Food!

Can everyone start saying salad is really bad for me so I can start craving it? - Jim Gaffigan