No Difference?
There is no difference between the sound of a woman giving birth and the sound of a woman removing ski boots. - Dave Barry
Practice Tongue Safety!
Ireland's Version of Cheers.....
Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show “Cheers.” Yeah, a
sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as
they call that in Ireland, “Reality TV.” - Jimmy Fallon
Christmas Funnies...
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. - Joan Rivers
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. - Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. - Jay Leno
Who'd Have Ever Guessed?
Oh
look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the
meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer....
Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment,
and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? - Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Far, Really Far and .....
The DEA says drug smugglers in Mexico are using canons to shoot
marijuana over into the U.S. They have three distances — far, really
far, and Willie Nelson's house. - Craig Ferguson
Oldies But Goodies
* Q: What is the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towels.
* Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
* Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A: Towels.
* Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
* Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Eggnog, Cakes, Pies, Fruitcake, Figgy Pudding.....
Two Laps Around Cinnabon!
Why Is That?
A Lady Never Tells Her Age?
The oldest woman in the world died yesterday. She was 116 but had been telling people she was 114 - Rita Rudner
Totally
John McAfee can hide out here if he promises to completely uninstall his Security Center and I mean totally. - Twitter's Pourmecoffee
Jimmy Kimmel on Texting
For the first time, texting has started to decline. A new report has found
that the average number of text messages that cellphone customers in the
U.S. sends has dropped from 700 a month on average to 675 a month.
Maybe texting is down because a lot of the people who text and drive are
now dead.
It makes sense when you think about it. Because 20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we're just taking the next logical step.
Now we send nothing. We finally realized we don't have anything to say to each other.
It makes sense when you think about it. Because 20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we're just taking the next logical step.
Now we send nothing. We finally realized we don't have anything to say to each other.
NBC Turned 86
The network NBC turns 86 years old today. And like most 86-year-olds, it watches CBS. - Craig Ferguson
Agreed!
We
should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years, and
justify our existence... on pain of liquidation. - George Bernard Shaw
The Turkey is Gone.....
Could It Be True?
Rita's Thanksgiving
Erma Bombeck on Thanksgiving
What
we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth
Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they
call it Thanksgiving? - Erma Bombeck
Sounds Good!
FYI when I take over the world I will make Monday part of the weekend. You’re welcome. - Jim Gaffigan
Joan Disses Bieber Fans...
Yes, It's Offensive!
Much Less!
As a Trek fan, whenever I hear "Kardashian" I think of "Cardassian". Granted, the Cardassians were much less evil. - Screenwriter David Coggeshall
Just Worked Out Because......
Conan O'Brien Funnies
Mars Rover is starting to send back pictures. After studying photos
taken by the robot, scientists saying that mars resembles California.
Both have large mountains, little water, and the possibility of hidden
aliens.
A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was
shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a
hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "The Real Housewives
of New Jersey."
No Doubt!
The person who came up with the term "terrible twos" must have felt really foolish after their kid turned three.” - Jim Gaffigan
She'd Pay Double Not to Hear Bieber
Justin Bieber is being sued for $9 million by a woman who says she went
deaf at his concert. I'd pay DOUBLE that to not hear him sing again. - Joan Rivers
Bibles and Kindles
A Nicotine Vaccine?
Just read that Cornell has developed a nicotine vaccine that works on
rodents, which is great if you’re a mouse with a 2-pack-a-day habit. - Joan Rivers
Fixing Planes with Super Glue!
Reunited With Their Lost Bulldog
Peanut Allergy Drama
It Makes Sense!
Just heard that dog owners subconsciously select breeds that match their personalities. It makes sense why I rescue bitches. - Joan Rivers
When Twitter is Down
You learn a lot when #Twitter is down. For example, my wife left me four years ago. - Andy Borowitz
Snookie Decorating Child's Nursery
Americans Exercising?
Lance Armstrong may be in trouble again. An anti-doping agency accused
him of using performance-enhancing drugs. Federal authorities got
suspicious when they noticed an American was exercising. - Jimmy Kimmel
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall......
My birthday tradition: I ask, "Mirror, mirror on the wall..." and the
mirror quickly replies, "After 79 years, it's STILL 'not you'!" - Joan Rivers
Coffee Drinkers Live Longer?
A new study claims that coffee drinkers live longer than people who
don't drink coffee. Of course, they spend so much time waiting in line
at Starbucks that it evens out. - Conan O'Brien
Happy Memorial Day!
where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
~Lee Greenwood
Organic Foods
A Recent Survey Found That.......
A recent survey found that more men are finding work in fields that are
historically dominated by women. I heard it from a nun at my church —
Sister Gary. - Jimmy Fallon
Remote SAP Button?
Mr. T Pities The Fool Who.....
If There Was an Award.....
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated. - Jim Gaffigan
Don Rickles at 86
Texting Tickets in NJ
At Least!
Time magazine is getting attention for its new cover, which shows a
woman breastfeeding her 3-year-old son. The issue is expected to make
millions of dollars — and that’s just for the kid’s therapist. - Jimmy Fallon
A Little Mother's Day Advice
A little Mother's Day advice: Always give children the freedom to make
mistakes. And THEN never miss a chance to say “I told you so” - Joan Rivers
Interesting!
Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again. - Michael Hoy
Facebook's Net Worth
Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's
almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees
wasting time looking at Facebook. - Jay Leno
Can't Go 10 Minutes Without Lying?
A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying.
But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe. - Jimmy Fallon
RIP Amarillo Slim
Genius!
Genius. Colleges withholding transcripts of students late on loans so they can't get jobs and pay loans. - Twitter's PourMeCoffee
Congrats!
It turns out that there is a woman in an apartment on the Upper East
Side who has lived in the same apartment for 100 years. So
congratulations to Barbara Walters. - David Letterman
The Lost Milkman
Soda or Intervention?
Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple
cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes
with your choice of soda or an intervention. - Conan O'Brien
Last Minute Cancellation by ...
We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the
musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancellation by the Tupac Hologram. - Jimmy Fallon
Russian Man Wrecks Car Dealership
This Russian man got tired of waiting for his repaired car to be brought out to him and decided revenge was the remedy for bad customer service:
Poor Joan
The IRS called me in because I deducted $400,000 for hair and makeup.
They took one look at me in direct sunlight and approved it. - Joan Rivers
Jim Gaffigan Wonders.......
What vitamin do you have to give kids to get them to flush the toilet? - Jim Gaffigan
Justin Timberlake Home Decor?
Justin Timberlake announced he is unveiling his own line of home decor
things. I haven't been this excited since Hooters announced they were
lifting my lifetime ban. - Craig Ferguson
Just Anyone Can Comment on YouTube
The best argument for government increasing education spending is the people who comment on YouTube. - Janie Haddad
Not To Be Outdone.....
Not to be outdone by Cory Booker, Chris Christie just ran into a bakery and saved a tray of Cinnamon Rolls from burning. -
Conan O'Brien Funnies.....
Last night Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on "Dancing With the
Stars." It's the first time anyone connected with that show has actually
seen stars.
In Maryland three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions
lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want
to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won't mean
crap unless you win the lottery.
A Woman Recently Gave Birth To .....
A woman recently gave birth to a healthy baby boy while she was onboard a
Delta flight — marking the first time someone flying Delta actually
arrived early. - Jimmy Fallon
7 Days
I’m glad Kim Kardashian finally found someone she can spend the rest of her week with. - Chase Mitchell
Don and Betty
Agree or Disagree?
Either Way - You Get a Call...
Empire State Building Went Dark and Then .....
Sibling Rivalries
Activia!
Accidentally had Activia this morning with breakfast. Now I poop like a
woman. In secret and in under 6 seconds. Damn you Jamie Lee Curtis! - Twitter's TheDeskChicken
Leno: Red Bull Inventor- RIP
Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids.
What Were They Thinking?
Legoland!
Meats to Avoid!
Today's health warning....red meat is bad for you. Also avoid blue meat and green meat. - Rita Rudner
People in L.A. Are Furious!
Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox. - Craig Ferguson
Motivated Odor Control
My deodorant boasts "Motivated Odor Control". That's good, because if
there's one thing I won't tolerate in a deodorant, it's apathy. - David Coggeshall, Screenwriter
Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work
The IT department has blocked access to "Words With Co-Workers "until you people learn the proper names for genitalia.
Ok the rumor that someone in the office got an advance iPad 3 has
already led to 6 deaths. Please, from now on...monger responsibly.
March Madness is not covered by Blue Cross. Please stop bothering HR about it.
Dave Barry - The Kid is Not My Son
Nipple Slips at The Oscars?
Both Jennifer Lopez and I have experienced nipple slips at the Oscars.
The only difference is that mine was peeking out of an open-toe shoe. - Joan Rivers
Only If He's an Investor
Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience. - Jim Gaffigan
Gambling Addiction?
Chris Brown and Rihanna
Leno's Food Riffs.....
Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube
meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime
this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good
as it sounds.
Jim Gaffigan's Food Riffs
Eating hummus is the closest I will ever come to a fasting.
Finally a bite size McNugget. Now I don't have to waste energy chewing.
Happy President's Day.....
Happy President’s Day! There should be a “First Ladies Day” to honor the
women who suffered while their husbands slept around with interns. - Joan Rivers
Leno on Chinese V.P. Los Angeles Visit
China's vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the
plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his
interpreter doesn't speak Spanish.
The Chinese vice president said the first place he
wanted to go was Hollywood. He wanted to visit where all his favorite
pirated DVD movies were made.
Clean Humor
Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work
Judy, making an entire outfit from paperclips does not make you the
"office Lady Gaga." And PLEASE add some Post-its to cover "down there."
We won't be ordering any more of the "Weekday Sadness" blend for the Keurig. We'll still stock "Goin' Nowhere" and "Not Cocoa."
Jim Gaffigan's Valentine's Day Forecast
Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.
Severe Punishment for Madonna Stalker
Police recaptured Madonna's stalker. As a punishment, they're making him watch that movie she just wrote and directed. - Rita Rudner
Stallone & Schwarzenegger
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are teaming up for an
action-adventure movie thriller. They think it will be the movie of the
year. Yeah, the year is 1983.
I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's
personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital
together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.
The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.
Being Imperfect
The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others. - Doug Larson
Steven Wright Funnies.....
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
6 More Weeks of Winter According To.....
Yes, Please Refer to Salad as Junk Food!
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