Joan Rivers Funnies

I'm THRILLED to be performing with Don Rickles tonight! (& Friday in Clearwater, FL) Don & I are so old, the Grim Reaper is our opening act.

Performed w/ Don Rickles in W. Palm Beach last night. I love Florida, but there are so many old people–the state flower’s a funeral wreath.

That's The Plan

In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan. - Conan

Rita Just Found Out That ...

Some people have all the luck. That woman just found out she's Oprah's half-sister. I just found out Randy Quaid's my half-brother. - Rita Rudner

A Man Runs Into a Dentist's Office .....

A man runs into a dentist's office and screams 'help me I'm in trouble.' The dentist asks him if he has a dental emergency and the man says 'No I think I'm a Moth!.' 

The dentist asks him why he didn't go to the psychiatrist's office down the hall?  The man replied  'Because your office has a light on!.'

Joan Loves Her Car That Much...

I am back in NYC and couldn’t be happier. I love a city where I pay more to park my car each month than my parents paid for their house. - Joan Rivers

Mel's $163 Bill......

Mel Gibson gets $163K legal bill from Oksana for 1 month! Coincidentally his monthly anger management bill is the exact same amount! - Lisa Lampinelli

Dick Cheney May Need Heart Transplant....

Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney’s annual autopsy. - David Letterman

Dolly Turns 65!

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who just turned 65. At least most of her. - Craig Ferguson

Trump Rejects Lohan

Donald Trump rejects Lindsay Lohan for “Celeb Apprentice.” Yet his hair stylist’s job in no jeopardy whatsoever! Who said life was fair?!? - Lisa Lampinelli

Kathleen Turner

BREAKING: Kathleen Turner hospitalized after realizing she's not the man with the golden voice. - Billy Eichner

Mel Gibson, As a Courtesy.....

Mel Gibson has announced that, as a courtesy, he'll be removing all the N-words from his wedding vows. - Billy Eichner

Appliances That Can Send Text Messages

At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, LG unveiled a line of appliances that can send text messages. Would you want appliances that can text you? You’re in a business meeting like, “Excuse me, I have to take this. It’s from my can opener.” - Jay Leno

Rita Heard For Their Honeymoon.......

I hear for their honeymoon, Hugh Hefner and his bride are going to Viagra Falls - Rita Rudner

170,000 Year Old Clothes

A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken was, “Me look fat in this? - Jimmy Fallon

Golden-Voiced Homeless Man.......

Golden-voiced homeless man stars in commercial. Other homeless say he has a big head & will now only eat at dumpsters of 5-star restaurants! - Lisa Lampinelli

Mellencamp Should Date Someone His Own Size

John Mellencamp & supermodel Elaine Irwin divorce. Now, he should date someone his own size…like one of TLC's "Little Chocolatiers"! - Lisa Lampinelli

Flannel What?

It's so cold in Las Vegas that the showgirls are wearing flannel G-strings. - Rita Rudner

Where's Hefner & Fiancee Registered?

For those of you who want to buy something for Hugh Hefner and his fiancee, they're registered at Bed, Bath and Ventilator. - Rita Rudner

Guess The Oder.....

400 spend night on NYC subway due to snowstorm. Passengers passed the time by playing a spirited game of "Let's Guess The Odor.” - Lisa Lampanelli

We Hope You're Prepared

Welcome back to the dating pool, Scarlett and Ryan. I hope you're prepared for how ugly we are. - Bill Eichner