She'd Pay Double Not to Hear Bieber

Justin Bieber is being sued for $9 million by a woman who says she went deaf at his concert. I'd pay DOUBLE that to not hear him sing again. - Joan Rivers

Bibles and Kindles

A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles on the nightstands. And then they'll be bringing in more Bibles to replace all those stolen Kindles. - Jimmy Fallon

A Nicotine Vaccine?

Just read that Cornell has developed a nicotine vaccine that works on rodents, which is great if you’re a mouse with a 2-pack-a-day habit. - Joan Rivers

Fixing Planes with Super Glue!

A United Airlines passenger has filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped superglue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier — that a passenger got superglue on her head, or that United fixes their airplanes with superglue. - Jimmy Fallon