Cop Charged With Stealing Donuts!

An upstate New York campus cop was charged and ticketed for petty larceny for stealing donuts. Stole $300 worth. A cop stealing donuts?

Read About The Donut Caper Here!

If You Have a Yacht Like This-Then You're a Redneck.....

Dave Barry: The Only Seafood I Trust.....

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. - Dave Barry

Checkers VS Kickboxing

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing." - Emo Phillips

Return On Investment

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.


A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

Current News Funnies From Craig Ferguson

* Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems.

* Of course, there's only one thing on everyone's mind right now . . . the country is divided . . . that's right- Madonna's divorce.

* It's sad. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best years of her life, and he gave her an English accent.

If Only God Would....

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen

The Final Debate

The last debate will be tomorrow night. It's being sponsored by Anheuser-Bush. I guess the last two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up. - Jay Leno

Wildfires Are Burning In California

Two big wildfires are burning in California. Emergency teams are trying to contain the fire. They are trying to drive them to homes that have already been foreclosed on. - Jimmy Kimmel

The First Saint From India

Today the Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles and fixed the Pope's computer when his hard drive crashed. - Conan O'Brien

Jimmy Carter Blames President Bush

Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called it the worst financial crisis since . . . the Carter administration. - Jay Leno

Angelina Jolie Wants to Have More Children

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she wants to have more children. Then someone explained to Jolie that thanks to her there are no more left. - Conan O'Brien

Be Careful Parents!

This weekend, the jury in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case found him guilty on all counts. So be careful parents — if your child experiments with double murder it could lead down the treacherous path to sports memorabilia theft. - Conan O'Brien

The Labor Department Announced.....

The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. - Jay Leno

A President Who'll Stand Up and Be a Man!

Stop the whiny name-calling. Americans want a president who’ll stand up and be a man. That’s why so many people were voting for Hillary Clinton. - Craig Ferguson