Phyllis Diller-You Know You're Old When

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type" - Phyllis Diller

Fred Allen-Long Walks

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen

All Women Are Crazy!

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields

When Cats Leap

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. - Alisha Everett

Steven Wright-Insane Neighbors

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - Steven Wright

Suggestion For New Zealand

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. - Lewis Black

George Burns Wisdom

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns

What's With You Men?

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? - Erma Bombeck

Billy Barty Quote

The name of my condition is Cartilage Hair Syndrome Hypoplasia, but you can just call me Billy. - Billy Barty

Cathy Guisewite Funny

"Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups." - Cathy Guisewite

Lewis Grizzard-Life is....

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." - Lewis Grizzard

Grandmother Doesn't Need Glasses

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman

Ernie Kovacs

Nothing In moderation. - Ernie Kovacs

Jeff Foxworthy Funny

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. - Jeff Foxworthy

Scott Adams Funny

In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. - Scott Adams

Don't Tell Your Kids

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.' - Joan Rivers

Bridegooms Anonymous

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin

Rodney-No Respect From Wife

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

Jay London-Hair Loss

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. - Jay London

A Neurotic Man

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. - Jerome Lawrence

Woody allen-He's Astounded!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

Rita Rudner-Cosmetic Surgery

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. - Rita Rudner

W.C. Fields and His Life

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. - W.C. Fields

Lenny Bruce Quote

When you're eight years old nothing is your business. - Lenny Bruce

Poetry and Luggage

"Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O'Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it" - Russell Baker

Mark Russell-Athletes Who Pray

"I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner." - Mark Russell

Pets Instead of Husband

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli

24 Hour Grocery-Steven Wright

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright

If The Mouse Laughs

"When the mouse laughs at the cat there is a hole nearby" - Nigerian Proverb

Jay Leno-15 Women

"The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down." - Jay Leno

How To Be Boss-Robert Frost

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost

Jay London's Boss

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. - Jay London

They Know Who's Boss

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. - Tina Fey

Woody is The Boss

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Uncle Miltie- The Company Accountant

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Uncle Miltie (Berle)

Robert Benchley Succeeded

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. - Robert Benchley

Doug Larson Funny

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. - Doug Larson

Day-Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose Bierce

11 Alternative Garden Games

11 Alternative Garden Games
By Tom Schneider

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!

Icebreakers Game

#1: The Gnat Slap Equipment required: A garden of any size. As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!

Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs. This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.

Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling Equipment required: Weeds of any kind. This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.

Game #4: The Wasp Dodge Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene. With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.

Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill

Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant Equipment required: A dry turf. This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.

Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one! The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!

Game #7: Slug Races Equipment required: A slug for each guest. We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing. Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.

Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold. This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.

Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody. Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Games for After Dark

Game #10: Firefly Shooting Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone. After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.

Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos Equipment required: Go figure. Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.

About The Author:

When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line machine embroidery design business,

Go Shopping With Her

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her. - Marcelene Cox

If Men Liked Shopping

"If men liked shopping, they'd call it research." - Cynthia Nelms

Steven Wright Loves Shopping

"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." - Steven Wright