Jay Leno Finale Jokes!

* "I'd like to thank those who made my show successful – Monica Lewinsky, Michael Jackson, and Bill Clinton."

* "When we started this show my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight."

* "I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time."

-Leno's new hour-long comedy show will premiere on NBC at the 10 p.m. timeslot on a date to be announced in September.

Brain Teaser!

This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious.

Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think,

Why didn't I see him immediately?'

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half
of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and
1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute
and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type
of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

And, yes, the man is really there!!!

Clown Arrested on DUI

In West Virginia, a clown returning from a kid's party was arrested for drunk driving. Police say he tried to turn the breathalizer into a giraffe. - Jimmy Fallon


One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. - Rodney


I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. - Groucho

He's In Parentheses

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. - Steven Wright


I think all this publicity has gone to Trump's head. Today he held a press conference and said some Burger King guy could keep his crown.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.

My Darling Husband.....

My Darling Husband:

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Boy George

Boy George was released from prison after serving four months. He said the experience was rough, humiliating, and degrading . . . and he couldn't wait to go back. - Craig Ferguson

Don't Worry-Nobody's Got Any.....

According to The New York Times, swine flu can be transmitted on money. You know what that means . . . we're all safe. No one's got any. - Jay Leno

He Took More Time to Pick a Dog!

The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that he took him 10 times longer to pick a dog? - Craig Ferguson

Ahhhh... Spring!

In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt. - Margaret Atwood

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. - Doug Larson

In the spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. - Mark Twain

What Lured Arlen Specter.....

"We're learning more about Republican Sen. Arlen Specter's switch to the Democratic Party. To sweeten the deal, Democrats offered him Life Alert and a lifetime's supply of Ensure." - Jay Leno