Classic Funny Quotes: November 2010

Sorry Cat People.....

A new study found that dogs are smarter than cats because their friendliness has helped them develop bigger brains. Cat people would complain about the findings, but that would involve interacting with other humans. - Jimmy Kimmel

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving from the Turkey's point of view

TSA Airport Pat-Down Funnies.....

Craig Ferguson:

Everyone in Nashville is very friendly. Before the TSA searches you, they kiss you right on the lips.

Jimmy Fallon:

A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker’s hand.

Letterman:

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent

"Do I need a degree in groping?"

"Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"

"If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"

"Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"

"If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?

"Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"

"In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

"Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"

"May I frisk myself?"

"What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"

Back to the Mine!

All 33 of the trapped Chilean miners were visiting Los Angeles. But after a day of sitting in traffic, they decided to go back to the mine. - Conan

Craig Ferguson on Geezer Bandit

Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber. How are you looking for someone and you know his exact age?

Police have nicknamed the robber the “Geezer Bandit.” They described him as “armed and flatulent.”

Victims of the Geezer Bandit’s last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids.

Saturday Night Live "Wizard of Oz" Clip

Here's a funny Saturday Night Live satire clip of a character edited out of the Wizard of Oz. Anne Hathaway plays Dorothy.

Donuts.....

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Homer Simpson

Senior Olympics Nutrition Scandal!

This weekend was the 20th annual Senior Citizen Olympics in Southern California. I heard 90 percent of the athletes tested positive for Ensure. - Jimmy Fallon

Complaints About Full-Body Scanners at Airports

The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor. - Jay Leno

Craig Ferguson-Poor George.....

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, “memoir” is just a fancy word for “a bunch of stuff that happened to me.”

Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of.

Apple Launches Online Store in China

Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple said this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the kids who make them. - Conan

Sally Field and Spiderman

It’s rumored that Sally Field is going to be in the next “Spider-man” movie. This is the one where Spider-man fights his old nemesis, Decreased Bone Density.

Conan O'Brien

I just got the news that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’ key demographic: people that can’t afford HBO.

I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

Steven Wright.....

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”