Mark Twain-Sacred Cows

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger" - Mark Twain

Cooking With Wine

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” - W.C. Fields

Glutton or Explorer?

“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food” - Erma Bombeck

Dave Barry-Guys Are Simple...

“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.” - Dave Barry

Joan Rivers Quote

Hi Gang! Been too busy to post for awhile but will try to post more regularly as time permits!

"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.” - Joan Rivers

You Might Be a Redneck...

You might be a redneck if...
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
- Unknown

Mae West: She's No Model Lady

“I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.” - Mae West

Steven Wright-Visionary

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.” - Steven Wright

Travel and See Nothing!

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt, On the Road With Charles Kuralt

The Lawn

I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn. - C.E. Cowman

Erma Bombeck-Independence Day

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. - Erma Bombeck

Watch Out for Dinner Parties!

The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties. - Carol Matthau

Jay Leno Quote

“Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'” - Jay Leno

Another Gem from Old Sam!

“Mr. Goldwyn's secretary was cleaning out his file cabinets one day. She asked Samuel if she could toss out the files that have been inactive for more than 10 years. He answered, 'Of course, but make sure you keep copies.'” - Samuel Goldwyn

Success-Great Deordorant

Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your past smells. - Elizabeth Taylor

Rita Rudner: Warning Labels and Pregnancy

"They're trying to put warning labels on liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way" - Rita Rudner

Dave Barry: News Stories

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.” - Dave Barry

Mark Twain: Fools vs. Lightning

“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.” - Mark Twain

Voted World's Funniest Joke!?!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Beware Boston

"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there." - Fred Allen

Steven Wright

"I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?" - Steven Wright

Dave Barry: The Invention of Cooking

"Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw." - Dave Barry

Jeff Foxworthy-Married For Looks But....

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.” - Jeff Foxworthy

Desi Arnaz-Latin Tempers

My Latin temper blows up pretty fast, but it goes down just as fast. Maybe that's why you seldom hear of ulcers in Latin America. - Desi Arnaz

More of Sam Goldwyn

"Include me out" - Samuel Goldwyn

Lauren Bacall: Find Her a Man

Find me a man who's interesting enough to have dinner with and I'll be happy. - Lauren Bacall

Avoid Any Diet That...

Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge. - Don Kardong

Robert Lynd Quote

"No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up." - Robert Lynd

Henny Youngman-Sleep Late

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman

Autobiography vs. Fiction

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

Depend On The Rabbit's Foot?

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. - R.E. Shay

Rita Rudner Always Thinking Ahead!

"Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner

What Makes Films Twice As Bad?

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad. - Samuel Goldwyn

Dave Barry-Violence and Smut

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. - Dave Barry

Riding Vacuums?

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr

Pregnant Women: Talk Carefully To Them

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. - Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

Who Do Hosts Have Parties Anyway?

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P.J. O'Rourke

Decorate Your Home

Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. - Charles M. Schulz

Accomplishing The Impossible

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. - Doug Larson

Scott Adams-The Only Risk

The only risk of failure is promotion. - Scott Adams

Erma Bombeck-No Guarantees

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

Rodney Dangerfield-Uncle's Dying Wish

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

Henny Youngman-Wanted To Do Something Nice

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman

Rita Rudner-Jogging Not Healthy

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups. ~Rita Rudner

Avoid Mistakes!

To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation. ~E.W. Howe

You Might Be A Redneck If.......

“You might be a redneck if ...the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.” - Jeff Foxworthy

Dave Barry-Instinctive Fears

"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required” - Dave Barry

Steven Wright-Bothered By Sponges

“Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?” - Steven Wright

Ogden Nash-The Lush and The Shrew

I drink because she nags, he said I nag because he drinks.But if the truth be known to you,He's a lush and she's a shrew. - Ogden Nash

Ogden Nash-The Fertile Turtle

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decksWhich practically conceal its sex.I think it clever of the turtleIn such a fix to be so fertile. - Ogden Nash

Ogden Nash-The Pig

The Pig, if I am not mistaken,Supplies us sausage, ham, and Bacon.Let others say his heart is big,I think it stupid of the Pig. - Ogden Nash

Ogden Nash-Billboards and Trees

"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all" - Ogden Nash

Rita Rudner- Aerobics

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." - Rita Rudner

Joey Adams-TV To Fridge Exercise

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all." - Joey Adams

Thumbs and Coffee

I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee. - Flash Rosenberg

From Granny's Journal: Cats, Mice and Houseguests

From Granny's Journal: Cats, Mice and Houseguests
By Marge Holley

What is it with all the cats in the winter? Do they forget how to catch mice? They are so round and fat they look like they are going to explode, yet when you put food in front of them they eat as if they were starving. Sort of like my mother-in-law. Wait! Scratch that. Never mind. Don't. What are the chances she'll read anything I wrote? My sister-in-law can tell her.

We're having a heat wave. It warmed up to 33 degrees. The icicles started melting and falling off of the house. One of them almost got the cat, like a spear. I'm sure that the scare took away one or two of his nine lives. How come mice never have accidents. They chew through electric wires, cause fires, then run off into the fields. Maybe we could leave decoy food in the yard to lure them away from the house.

After all my house guests left, there wasn't enough food left to interest the mice. I've devised a plan to rid myself of unwanted house guests. You know the kind. They stay and stay and eat and eat and complain.

1. Let the dog lick off the plates then put them directly into the cupboard. 2. Have husband belch loudly and pick his nose at the dinner table. Of course, if the house guest husband does this too, it probably won't deter them. 3. Turn on hot water for washer when house guest is in the shower or flush the toilet. 4. Cook a lot of beans. They are cheap and loaded with protein among other things. 5. Have the neighbor children over and make sure they run through the house and get into everything. Mine do that anyway. 6. Run out of soap and toilet paper (hide some for yourself, of course). I tried running out and the house guest presented me with a grocery list. They can't find a store or their wallet to contribute. I guess that the pleasure of their company is supposed to suffice. Oh, by the way, the beans everyday finally did the trick. Do you want to borrow my bean cookbook?

Granny Marge just published her second humor book, Granny's Journal, following closely on the heels of her first one, Have I Ever Told You How Much I Hate People? Written by Two Little Old Ladies With No Friends.

From April Fools to May Day

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"? - Author Unknown


When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation. - Vanya Cohen

Dave Barry-Taxes

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. - Dave Barry

Edible-Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. - Ambrose Bierce

Brad Pitt's Grandfather's Taste

“I phoned my grandparents and my grandfather said 'we saw your movie'. 'Which one?' I said. He shouted 'Betty, what was the name of that movie I didn't like?” - Brad Pitt

Mae West

Oh, Miss West, I've heard so much about you. Mae West: " Yeah, honey, but you can't prove a thing." - Mae West

Dave Barry-Try To Cooperate With IRS

“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.” - Dave Barry

Steven Wright-The Past

“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” - Steven Wright

W.C. Fields-Horse Sense

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W.C. Fields


Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. - William Dean Howells

Optimism Dead?

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead. - Robert Brault

Beauty and Charm

There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. - John Erskine

Willing People

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost


Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde

The Laziest Man He Ever Met

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W.C. Fields


"Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't." - Earl Wilson

Charles M. Schulz Quote

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'” - Charles M. Schulz

All Is Not Lost

“If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.” - Elbert Hubbard

Fool Things

“Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.” - Oscar Wilde

A Good Marriage....

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” - Honore de Balzac

H.H. Munro Quote

“A woman who takes her husband about with her everywhere is like a cat that goes on playing with a mouse long after she's killed it” - H.H. Munro

Flowers For No Reason?

“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.” - Molly McGee


No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. - Groucho

Steven Wright Quote

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright

Rodney D. -Wife Cheats

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. - Rodney Dangerfield

The Best Car Safety Device

"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it." - Dudley Moore


I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand. - Jonathan Swift

Classic Insult

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."

How Do You Cause Happiness?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

Only Irish Coffee...

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

Get a Dog and a Cat

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce

Heartburn Stew

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning. - John Barrymore

Ogden Nash-The Bed Paradox

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. - Ogden Nash


It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash. - Josh Billings

Marriages Don't Last

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? - Rita Rudner

Errol Flynn-Habits and Income

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn


Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." - Robert Byrne


I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace. - Terri Guillemets

W.C. Fields-Expert of Electricity

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. - W.C. Fields

The Best Birth Control

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” - Joan Rivers

Fat Free Floor Wax?

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry

Definition: Hospitality

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. ~Author Unknown

She Buried Three Husbands

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. " - Rita Rudner

As You Get Older...

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... " - Norman Wisdom

He is Doing His Best

"Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best." - Oscar Wilde

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Frank Zappa-The Building Block of The Universe

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. - Frank Zappa

Steven Wright Saw Signs

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars." - Steven Wright

Dave Barry-6 Fundamental Forces of the Universe

“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.” - Dave Barry

Want Fries With That?

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that? - Jay Leno

Murphy's Law

"The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet." - Murphy's law

Naomi Campbell-Question of The Ages

I don't always wear underwear. When I'm in the heat, especially, I can't wear it. Like, if I'm wearing a flower dress, why do I have to wear underwear? - Naomi Campbell

Great Moments in Science

Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money. - Gary Larson

No Stupid Questions?

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams

Give a Man a Fish

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." - Zenna Schaffer


By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series. - Steve Rushin

The Best Way To Get a Puppy

"The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother - and they'll settle for a puppy every time. " - Winston Pendelton

Bikes vs. Cadillacs

Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking atavists mounted on foot-powered pairs of Hula-Hoops would have us pumping our legs, gritting our teeth, and searing our lungs as though we were being chased across the Pleistocene savanna by saber-toothed tigers. Think of the hopes, the dreams, the effort, the brilliance, the pure force of will that, over the eons, has gone into the creation of the Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Bicycle riders would have us throw all this on the ash heap of history. - P.J. O'Rourke

Rita Rudner-Rich People

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner

A "Murphy's Law"

"Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first" - One of Murphy's Laws

Never Raise Your Hand To Your Kids

"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons

Kicked Out of Ballet Class

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.” - Rita Rudner


I always fear that creation will expire before teatime. - Sydney Smith

Woody Allen: Universe or Chinatown

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen

Trouble at The General Store

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." - Steven Wright

Another Samuel Goldwyn Gem

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on" - Samuel Goldwyn

Uh, Ok

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway

Cher-It's a Dirty Job...

"It's a dirty job being ridiculous, but I'll do it." - Cher

The Good Old Days

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory. - Robert Benchley

Groucho-Judge and Jury

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho

Mae West-Only an Umbrella

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella. - Mae West

Incompetent vs.Competent Lawyers

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." - Evelle Younger


Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. - Oscar Wilde


"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." - Stanley J. Randall

Joan Rivers-The Key To Happiness

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." - Joan Rivers

Pardon Me

A woman should never be seen eating or drinking, unless it be lobster salad and Champagne, the only true feminine and becoming viands. - Lord Byron

Not All Chemicals Are Bad

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Barry

Happiness: Cell Phone and Airplane

To be happy in this world, first you need a cell phone and then you need an airplane. Then you're truly wireless. - Ted Turner

The Cost of Living is Up

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. - W.C. Fields

Rita's Mother

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping." - Rita Rudner


To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent. - Robert Copeland

Steven Wright-Bored

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright

The Phone Is For You

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. - Fran Lebowitz

Deer Heads On their Walls

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

A Gambling Husband

"No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner." - Thomas Robert Dewar

If It Weren't For Edison...

"Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?" - Al Boliska

All Dave Barry!

* " A dog will eat pretty much anything, one major reason why there are no restaurants for dogs is that the customers would eat the menus."

* The main cause of Road Rage: the realization that many of your fellow motorists have the same brain structure as a cashew.

* Shopping Cart Rage: this is caused by people who routinely manage, by careful placement, to block the entire aisle with a single shopping cart.

* "I got a few letters supporting the new toilets, but these were mostly from ecology nuts who, because of their organic granola diets, probably don't even Need toilets, just wisk brooms."


"Behind every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee." - Stephanie Piro


Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - Wernher Von Braun

Erma Bombeck Funny

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. - Erma Bombeck

Rita Rudner-Mr. Right

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner

Bill Gates-Spam

"Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting." - Bill Gates

Frank Lloyd Wright Quote

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Bras and Trade Deficit

"Nobody ever buys a bra from and ad. It frankly makes me wonder if this could be a contributing factor to the trade deficit." - Dave Barry

Dolly Parton Wisdom

“I have got little feet because nothing grows in the shade” - Dolly Parton

More Samuel Goldwyn

Please write music like Wagner, only louder. - Producer Samuel Goldwyn

Joan Rivers-19 or 20 Mistakes

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.” - Joan Rivers

Steven Wright-Monopoly

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” - Steven Wright

Washington State-Endless Drizzle

“Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."” - Dave Barry

Both Ends and The Middle

"A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle." - Ian Fleming

A Royal Flush

Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom. - VP Pappy

Andrew Jackson-Grammar

"It's a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word." - Andrew Jackson

How Hot Is It In Arizona?

* "Heat, ma’am!" I said; "it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones." - Sydney Smith, Lady Holland’s Memoir

* You know you're from Arizona when you drive two miles around a parking lot looking for a shady place - even in the dead of winter. - Local Saying

* Welcome to Arizona, where summer spends the winter - and hell spends the summer. - Local saying

* Once, it was so damned dry, the bushes followed the dogs around. - Nancy Dedera

Ancient Wisdom

It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. - Cicero

You Might Be a Redneck If....

You might be a redneck if:

Your husband spray paints the upholstery in your car to make it look new. - Unknown

Live Up To Your Standards

"Always live up to your standards - by lowering them, if necessary." - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook

P.G. Wodehouse-Golf

"Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious." - P.G. Wodehouse

Steven Wright-Tarot Cards

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

Soup for One

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? - Elayne Boosler

Let Me Drive You Home From the Gas Station

Let Me Drive You Home From the Gas Station
By Greg Gagliardi

People never seem to amaze me. And by that I mean that people amaze me once in a while, and the rest of the time I try to remain unimpressed -- and usually succeed. Take this evening, for example: after getting gas in my car -- and keep in mind that I live in NJ, where we are not allowed to pump our own because people don't trust us enough -- the station attendant asked me where I was going. Not knowing where this question was headed, since people usually ask him for directions and not the other way around, I basically pointed in some random direction...

That was my first mistake. The random directional point never works. I don't have any information to back this up, but that is only because I refuse to ask the Internet until it gives me my Frisbee back...

So, after this random point, the attendant then asked me if I could drive his friend home. This was a tempting offer. I mean, think about it: me, some random guy, could drive home this other random guy who may or may not hijack my car at some point down the road and kill me. How could I refuse this offer? And especially for what he was offering me: "I'll give you a soda," he said...

I thought the soda offer was tempting because that'd be something I would enjoy while I was dead. While he was at it, he could have thrown in some other necessities for beneath the grave like caterpillars or sympathy cards. A weeping widow would have really done the trick...
Keep in mind that I don't keep my car very clean on the inside. Of course, I do clean it out once every four months or so, but otherwise I have a lot of random items in my car, which is probably why I usually resort to the random pointing. But it is situations like these that make me want to endorse unkempt cars on television. Such a car provides the perfect excuse to never have to drive anyone anywhere...

"I would drive him, but my car is a mess," I told the guy...

I tried my hardest to give him a facial expression which indicated a combination of disappointment and concern. If awards were given out for making fake facial expressions at gas stations (I will have to check), surely I would have received a nomination...

"What if you move all of your stuff into the back seat?" he asked me. Or at least it sounded like that, but I wasn't completely paying attention, being I was sidetracked by that soda offer and all. Did he not notice my facial expression? What did he want from me --tears? Who did he think I was -- Walker, Texas Ranger?

I then told him that I couldn't move my stuff back there because it would break. Luckily he didn't question how poster board, an old McDonald's bag and a bunch of pencils would suffer those consequences if moved, because then I'd have to resort to the random pointing again -- and then throw something at his face once he looked in that direction...

So indeed, people never seem to amaze me. And that's good, because I love the feeling that at any time and any place, someone I don't know will ask me for a ride. And only in NJ can I say "no" because the opposite is never expected of me...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (


I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. - Erma Bombeck


Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. - William Dean Howells


"Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric." - Pam Brown


Mirrors should think longer before they reflect. - Jean Cocteau

Eat Your Veggies!

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis of "Garfield" Fame

Mark Twain-Clothes and Naked People

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

Henry David Thoreau-Clothes

"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." - Henry David Thoreau

Football Players and Trees

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. - George Raveling

Phyllis Diller-Old People

"The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. " - Phyllis Diller

Hockey, Basketball, and Golf

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Renee Hicks

Last Week....

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday' - Steven Wright


By Karen Lech

Ah, here it is spring again! The smell of freshly mowed lawn wafts to my nostrils ... My neighbor, with his super duper John Deere tractor that I drool over is out there having fun. I get ready to start MY lawnmower and......... the sound it makes. OH NO! This will require a call to the repairman. I make the call and wait.

One week later...

I am imprisoned in the walls of my own home. I am not free to venture out and get my mail, walk out to fill the bird feeders, bring hay to my ponies, or just sit on the porch. I have no bathroom privileges either. I cannot vacuum my floor, I cannot do laundry which is waiting for me in the basement, calling my name. Why? The phone may ring and if I DO NOT answer its summons, I will again be bereft of the use of my lawnmower for who knows how long. I am bound by the leash of my telephone cord. My activities are limited to kitchen privileges only, dishwashing, dusting, or I can kneel in front of the shrine I made with the repairman's picture, light the candles and chant and maybe then the phone will ring.

My jailer is the Sears Repair man. Today, that is. Sometimes I am incarcerated by the cable repair guy or some other repairman, i.e., telephone company repairman, electric, gas. If you do not answer your phone when they call, they assume you are not there (never even considering you may have to use the bathroom or do anything other than sit by your phone and pray you don't miss the call) and hence, they will not come out for their scheduled appointment. I am often tempted to rent a prison costume to wear when I answer the door, when and if the repairman finally does arrive with a smile and toolbox in hand.

Now, had I the privilege of a cell phone or cordless (which my kids have, but hide) I would not be in this predicament. Had I the knowledge to understand the mechanism of my iron horse of a garden tractor, the capability to actually perform the magical feats of repairing it, tools, and unlimited access to the parts I would need, I would be a free woman. This is like being grounded, watching my friends playing outside.

but then........

He came out!! He really did! Praise God for the Sears repairman and my reprieve!!

And half an hour later...

I hate it when he knocks on the door and says, "Ma'm I have good news and bad news."

Dismayed, I choke back the tears..... the good news is? "I got it running!" the bad news is... "You need a V belt." Which is exactly what I told the person who scheduled the appointment in the first place. The friendly automated voice tells you to say what you need. Boy, I could record a LOT of answers to that. Since it is a voice recognition thing, though, the canned voice would say they are unable to process my request or something like I did not understand what you said. (I worry that it is actually a robot.) "It needs a belt, the one that drives the blades." I stated in plain English.

So, hopefully, I reply to the repairman, "Well, you have all that stuff on your truck, right? I told them that when I called, that it needed a belt."

"Belts are not a stock item we carry on the trucks." he smugly replies.

Does this mean what I think it does??

"I'll order the part, and schedule an appointment to come out next week. I will call you before I come out." He smiles sweetly as he apologizes for the delay in repair, while I biting my lips, cannot even speak. My thoughts stampede around in my brain like an elephant herd! My heart pounds and my temples throb. Oh goody! I think... We can do this again next week! Well, if the part comes, that is.

Meanwhile, I watch as my yard is returning to prairie state. Maybe I could get a grant to keep it that way from the Conservation District. But that could bring on a set of more problems, like the wildlife that would come along with it. I envision beavers and weasels happily romping around my yard.

I sigh as I watch my neighbor gleefully mowing his lawn with his goody two shoes John Deere, the one that is operated by handles and can go in circles, while I sit waiting for the parole board of repairmen to make the decision of when I can get out, and I can't for the life of me figure out exactly what crime I committed. Maybe it was failure to hire a landscaping contractor, and give them the right of way into my yard. I must have disobeyed the laws of nature or something.

Meanwhile, I will just sit in my cell and bide my time. Next time I call I am going to ask if I can have conjugal rights and see what the robot says.

thanks for reading! Karen A. Lech, copyright 2005

About the Author

I am an author from Richmond, Illinois, which is a very small town on Illinois/Wisconsin border. My first book was published in August 2005, titled 51 POEMS FOR CHILDREN. visit me at!