A Funny From Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. - Erma Bombeck

Milton Friedman Quote

Only government can take perfectly good paper, cover it with perfectly good ink and make the combination worthless. - Milton Friedman

Wisdom From Homer Simpson!

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." - Homer Simpson

credit: http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/

Edith Head Quote

I have yet to see one completely unspoiled star, except for the animals-like Lassie. - Edith Head

Wit From Saul Bellow

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. - Saul Bellow

Funny From Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen

Albert Einstein Quote

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein

Humphrey Bogart Line

Things are never so bad they can't be made worse. - Humphrey Bogart

Dick Cavett Quote

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. - Dick Cavett

Jim Davis Wisdom

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

Quote From Scott Adams

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. - Scott Adams

Jay Leno Line

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. - Jay Leno

Funny From Robert Benchley

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Bette Midler Quote

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you. - Bette Midler

Steven Wright Funny

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. - Steven Wright

Give 'em Heck Harry Truman

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell. - Harry Truman

Gilda Radner Funny

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

Some Bette Davis Wit

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

Groucho Marx Quote

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - Groucho Marx

Jack Benny Funny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny

Wit From George Bernard Shaw

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. - George Bernard Shaw

The Always Interesting Orson Welles

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles

Ambrose Bierce Wit

"Admiration" noun: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - Ambrose Bierce

A Funny From Lucille Ball

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

Bill Cosby Funny

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby

Yogi Berra Wisdom

Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical. - Yogi Berra

Benjamin Disraeli Quote

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeli

Katherine Hepburn Quote

Never complain. Never explain. - Katherine Hepburn

Wit From Dorothy Parker

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. - Dorothy Parker

Rex Harrison Quote

Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it. - Rex Harrison

Wisdom From Doris Day!

If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers. - Doris Day

A W.C. Fields Funny

Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields

Robert Benchley Quote

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous. - Robert Benchley

A Funny From Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. - Joan Rivers

The Inimitable Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. - Johnny Carson

A Funny By Bob Hope

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. - Bob Hope

Amusing Quote From Prince Philip!

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

Funny From Dave Barry

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. - Dave Barry

Ben Franklin Quote

Fish and guests smell after three days. - Ben Franklin

Quote By Will Rogers

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. - Will Rogers

Quote From Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. - Mark Twain

Dave Barry Quote

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry

Ogden Nash Quote

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. - Ogden Nash

Steven Wright Quote

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. - Steven Wright

Classic Funny Quotes Found Here!

Welcome to 'Classic Funny Quotes'! We all need a break from all the bad news and stressful conditions we live under. Researchers have just come out with a study showing that the human heart benefits from laughing! Apparently our blood vessels relax and widen when we laugh for at least 15 minutes a day (doesn't have to be 15 minutes consecutively!) just as long as all the chuckles add up to approx. 15 minutes.

* 1st Quote: "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all." - Woody Allen