Whenever I accidentally watch the Bravo channel, the last thing that comes to mind is the word, "Bravo!" - Jim Gaffigan

Agreed Marge...

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. - Marge Simpson

Groovin' Dog

Dog grooving to his owner's guitar music, seems upset when the music stops!


Has anyone ever visited Wisconsin and lost weight? - Jim Gaffigan

A Survey Released Today Found.......

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out. - Leno

Raw Cookie Dough Warning...

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now? - Jay Leno

Dear God, Please Send Clothes.......

All Out Ban on Cell Phone Use While Driving

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cell phone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was coming into work this morning. - Leno

In Ancient Mythology.....

In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within matter of minutes. Nowadays we call that a Kardashian marriage. - Craig Ferguson

Employees at Pepsi.......

Employees at Pepsi who smoke have to pay $50 a month more for health insurance because of their risk to their personal health. Even worse, employees who drink Pepsi have to pay $100 a month. - Leno

Dave Barry on Glee

Am I the only person troubled by the fact that the "students" on "Glee" are 27? OK, then, carry on. - Dave Barry

Office Humor from Twitter's Drink at Work.....

Update on Holiday Party: Judy went to check out the old abandoned mental hospital location. That was 3 days ago. We'll keep you posted!

Lance, you can't just "decide" it's time to play dodgeball in the office by nailing Judy in the face. (Nice shot, BTW.)

Denise is stuck on the inside of the vending machine again. Please contact Facilities.

Remember, every day is a new chance to strangle your childhood dreams with the drab, gray hands of your office job!

Are You This Type of Driver.....

I'm willing to bet that "Gotta make it to a toilet!" drivers have caused more accidents than texters, drunks, and road-ragers combined. - David Coggeshall, Screenwriter

FDA Cracks Down On ........

FDA cracks down on sperm donor who fathered 14 kids. Wait a second - is that the FDA or the NBA? - Denis Leary

Someone Hacked into Facebook.......

Someone hacked into Facebook and leaked Mark Zuckerberg's private photos. When Zuckerberg realized someone had showed a blatant disregard for his privacy, he hired them. - Conan O'Brien

3 Lucky Standby Passengers......

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up Three seats for standby passengers. - Craig Ferguson

Joan's Current Celeb Smackdowns!

Hey, Winona Ryder, just a reminder: There are only 21 more shoplifting days left till Christmas.

Just read that fans of jailed doctor Conrad Murray sent him a cake with a file inside. He sent it back and asked for a rape whistle instead.

I love that Lady Gaga pours Cheerios over her naked body in her new video. I just think the more appropriate cereal would have been Trix.

Dave Barry's Gift Guide

The holiday season is a time of traditions. Here in America, the most popular holiday tradition, observed by millions, is to celebrate the birth of Jesus by going to a Walmart at 4 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving and getting into fistfights over steeply discounted TV sets.

* Editor: Check out Dave Barry's Gift Guide by clicking on the link below.  Very Funny!

Worst Album Covers Ever # 101

Occupy Farmville.....

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It’s a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville. - Jimmy Fallon

Yeah When?

When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can’t afford this, you idiot.”? - Jim Gaffigan

Weekends by Ogden Nash

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy.
You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday.
No wonder you feel that lost sensation.
You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Frozen Dream

I'll take the dream I had last night,
And put it in my freezer,
So someday long and far away,
When I'm an old grey greezer,
I'll take it out and thaw it out,
This lovely dream I've frozen,
And boil it up and sit me down
And dip my old cold toes in.

~Shel Silverstein, "Frozen Dream," A Light in the Attic

Thanksgiving Funnies!

"Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. - Kevin James

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. - Rita Rudner 

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. - Erma Bombeck

Maybe 20 Cents

Chevron to be fined $28 Million for an oil spill in Brazil. Which means gas prices should go up another dime by Friday. - Twitter's The Fake CNN News

Good Luck!

Dear Big Corporations, Since you own all the politicians, can you get them to do their job? - Thanx Jim Gaffigan

That's Tough!

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner

Ot Oh!

Spoiler alert: Dr. Conrad Murray was just put in charge of the prison pharmacy. - Denis Leary

An O'Brien Thanksgiving ......

The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting. - Conan O'Brien

Metamucil 9 Times a Week?

Riding a motorcycle used to mean you were cool. Now it means you're old enough to use Metamucil 9 times a week. - Denis Leary

More of Twitter's The Fake CNN News Funnies

Learning Channel TV stars from "19 Kids and Counting" The Duggar family of Arkansas are expecting their 20th child. Even the Octomom is telling them to give it a rest.

New findings by a team of astrophysicists have revealed the Universe DOES revolve around my ex.

Starbucks is raising prices for some drinks in several cities. An event otherwise known as “Wednesday”.

Conan O'Brien Funnies

Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.

Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice.

Caveat Emptor-Free Office Food!

Anyone who ate the free pastry in the break room this morning, Please lie down under your desk and await further medical assistance. - Twitter's Drink at Work

When People Find Out You Have 4 Little Kids.....

When people find out I have 4 little kids, they always treat me like I have cancer. “Four kids! You are so brave. I’ll pray for you.” - Jim Gaffigan

How Quickly Things Change.....

How quickly things change. Went to an Italian restaurant last night, my waiter...Silvio Berlusconi. - Rita Rudner

The People Beat Bank of America?

The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee. - Leno

Orson Welles

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. -  Orson Welles

Funnies from Twitter's The Fake CNN

The New Kids on the Block are reuniting. Not to say they are getting old, but their tour is being sponsored by Rogaine.

Playboy Magazine is reportedly unhappy with Lindsay Lohan’s nude pictures and wants a reshoot. She fell for that line again?

The DEA says that people turned in 188 tons of prescription medicine that was unwanted or expired. And that was just at Gary Busey’s house.

Rita Disses Kim Kardashian!

Next time Kim has to ask herself, "Is this the man I want to spend the rest of my month with?"

Kim Kardashian's family are standing behind her. Or as close to behind her as anyone can get.

Joan Rivers Knows That.......

A transgender boy was allowed to join the Girl Scouts, whose motto has changed from "Be Prepared" to "Be Prepared to Explain that Weenie."

I was shocked to hear the news about Steven Tyler in the shower. Not that he fell...that he was showering!

I think I know why Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted only 72 days. Apparently she only knows 71 positions.

More Leno Funnies.......

Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It's part of their new “Meals Under Wheels” program.

The estate of Jack Kevorkian says they plan to auction off 17 paintings by the famous suicide doctor. Ironically, they say the characters in the painting really seem to come to life.

In Laguna Hills, California it took rescue workers 90 minutes to free a man from the inside of a hollow tree. Thus proving that the obesity epidemic has even reached the Keebler elf community

Gluten-Free is Code?

So gluten-free is code for tastes horrible? - Jim Gaffigan

A New York Halloween.......

Here in New York City, Halloween a little bit different. You get that knock at the door, you open it up, and there are four guys with masks. - David Letterman


Breaking: The newest version of the game "Monopoly" will come with a government bail-out option. - The Fake CNN News on Twitter

Rich People More Depressed.......

Health: Rich people have higher depression rates than poor people. Mainly because poor people can't afford to be diagnosed with depression - The Fake CNN News on Twitter

Anita Renfroe - You Raise Me Up!

Another great parody by Anita Renfroe called "You Raise Me Up" - A tribute to Underwire:

Rita Rudner on Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan late for her job at the morgue. Dead people furious. - Rita Rudner

Craig Ferguson Funnies

It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China. 

Las Vegas is a weird place for politics. Why would something known for sleazebags, prostitutes, and gambling want to be associated with Las Vegas?

One town in Alaska is called Deadhorse. Another one is called — and I'm not making this up — Manley hot springs. Which is also the name of a club here in West Hollywood.

If Only.......

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out. - Jim Gaffigan

Lampanelli Slams Demi-Ashton!!

Moving truck allegedly seen outside Demi & Ashton’s house. Comes a time when every young man needs to move out of his mother’s house! - Lisa Lampanelli

We Have No Idea

Let's all stop speculating about Ashton and Demi. We have no idea what those two are going through...aside from puberty and menopause. - Joan Rivers

Nissan is Developing a Car That Can.....

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. The 1ST thought it usually picks up is “I wish I could have afforded that BMW.” - The Fake CNN on Twitter

The Truth

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. - Rodney Dangerfield

Leno Funnies!

A woman gave birth to a baby girl right after completing the Bank of America marathon. Because it was Bank of America, they charged her $5 to take the baby out.

A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.

San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, “Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.”

With Free Delivery.....

Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of “less government, more toppings” has been well received. - Jimmy Kimmel

$50 Billion a Year on Pets!

A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio, while I was driving over to my cat's apartment. - Jimmy Fallon

Steven Wright Planted Bird Seed

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it. - Steven Wright

Jim Gaffigan Wonders.......

Sometimes when I’m carrying one of my sleeping children I’m tempted to wake them up & say “You’re gonna do this for me in 20 years, right?” - Jim Gaffigan

Baseball Wisdom

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.  - Dave Barry

A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz.  - Humphrey Bogart

I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile.  - Tom Clark

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.  - Earl Wilson

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.  - Woody Allen

Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?  - Larry Anderson

The great thing about baseball is that there's a crisis every day.  - Gabe Paul

It breaks your heart.  It is designed to break your heart.  The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.  - A. Bartlett Giamatti, "The Green Fields of the Mind," Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977

Twitter's FakeCNN News.....

POLL: 89% of people that watch 'Hoarders' say the show makes them feel tidy.

Study: Wearing makeup makes women seem more attractive and competent. Apparently the people conducting the study never watched Jersey Shore.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is asking for donations to help create jobs. Otherwise known as the Starbucks business model.

Moose Huntin' Time!

Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population. - Jimmy Kimmel

Leonard Nimoy

Leonard Nimoy has announced that he will no longer attend "Star Trek" conventions. He's going to pursue his lifelong goal of being in anything other than "Star Trek."

He told his fans to live long and prosper and pleased stop wasting your lives on a TV show that hasn't been on in 45 years.

Denmark Charging a Fat Food Tax

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. - Leno

Sign of The Times.....

Citibank will soon charge $15 a month for checking accounts with less than $6,000. Finally, someone’s sticking it to those people with less than $6,000! - Jimmy Fallon

Demi and Ashton

I'm not blaming Demi for Ashton's cheating, but that's what happens when you let your younger husband have unsupervised play dates. - Joan Rivers