Jimmy Kimmel on Texting

For the first time, texting has started to decline. A new report has found that the average number of text messages that cellphone customers in the U.S. sends has dropped from 700 a month on average to 675 a month. Maybe texting is down because a lot of the people who text and drive are now dead.

 It makes sense when you think about it. Because 20 years ago, everyone sent letters, maybe a few pages long. Then we started sending emails and the notes got shorter. After awhile, that seemed like too long so we moved to texting and now we're just taking the next logical step.

Now we send nothing. We finally realized we don't have anything to say to each other.

NBC Turned 86

The network NBC turns 86 years old today. And like most 86-year-olds, it watches CBS. - Craig Ferguson

Agreed!

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years, and justify our existence... on pain of liquidation. - George Bernard Shaw

The Turkey is Gone.....

The turkey is gone, said goodbye to my lips but I do not despair, it remains on my hips. - Rita Rudner

Could It Be True?

In time, it will be clear that bitch Little Debbie was behind Hostess closing. She will stop at nothing to defeat her enemies.- Twitter's Pourmecoffee

Rita's Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving brings back memories. Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner

Erma Bombeck on Thanksgiving

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets.  I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?  - Erma Bombeck

Sounds Good!

FYI when I take over the world I will make Monday part of the weekend. You’re welcome. - Jim Gaffigan

Joan Disses Bieber Fans...

Attention Beliebers: Calm down and do your homework. Unlike lucky little Justin you're going to have to work for a living! - Joan Rivers

Good Dog!

My dog's life mission is to urinate on every square inch of North America. - Dave Barry