Late Show's Top Ten Indiana Jones Movie Comments

Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See the New Indiana Jones Movie

10."Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs Cialis"

9. "185 million dollar budget — there better be some damn monkeys"

8. "Dude, why the hell are you dressed as Spock?"

7. "I can't wait for the next one in 2027"

6. "Is this the movie about those four women who go slutting around New York City?"

5. "If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies — zing!"

4. "Yes, Harrison, you're eligible for the senior citizen discount"

3. No number 3 — writer waiting in line to see new Indiana Jones movie

2. "If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally"

1. "Shouldn't you be at the White House, Mr. President?"

Jail For Non Lawn-Mowers

"The city of Canton, Ohio wants to impose jail sentences on homeowners who don’t mow their lawns. Residents say this is unfair because watching grass grow is the most exciting thing to do in Canton, Ohio."- Conan O'Brien

Steven Wrights Eyeglass Problem

“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.” - Steven Wright

Rodney Hasn't Spoken To His Wife In Years

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.” - Rodney Dangerfield

You Could Only Run For Public Office

“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” - George Bernard Shaw

Somebody Keeps Moving The Ends!

"About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends." - Pres. Herbert Hoover

The 12 Step Chocolate Program

The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE! - Terry Moore

The Best Husband Any Woman Could Have!

"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Anonymous Archeologist

Job Interview Advice!

"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.” - Jack Handy

What Do You Get When You Cross...

“Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.” - Groucho Marx

Former Pres.Clintons's Speech

Yesterday in North Carolina, former President Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pick-up truck. And like all of the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pick-up truck it began, “You have beautiful eyes.” - Conan O'Brien

Spring Plant Humor

* "I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide." - Jerry Seinfeld

* "A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skillexcept for learning how to grow in rows."- Doug Larson

* "A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of." - T.H. Everett

* A Veggie New Age Song:
Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.

* "Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson