The Cost of Living is Up

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. - W.C. Fields

Rita's Mother

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping." - Rita Rudner


To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent. - Robert Copeland

Steven Wright-Bored

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright

The Phone Is For You

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. - Fran Lebowitz

Deer Heads On their Walls

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

A Gambling Husband

"No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner." - Thomas Robert Dewar

If It Weren't For Edison...

"Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?" - Al Boliska

All Dave Barry!

* " A dog will eat pretty much anything, one major reason why there are no restaurants for dogs is that the customers would eat the menus."

* The main cause of Road Rage: the realization that many of your fellow motorists have the same brain structure as a cashew.

* Shopping Cart Rage: this is caused by people who routinely manage, by careful placement, to block the entire aisle with a single shopping cart.

* "I got a few letters supporting the new toilets, but these were mostly from ecology nuts who, because of their organic granola diets, probably don't even Need toilets, just wisk brooms."


"Behind every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee." - Stephanie Piro


Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - Wernher Von Braun

Erma Bombeck Funny

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. - Erma Bombeck

Rita Rudner-Mr. Right

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner

Bill Gates-Spam

"Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting." - Bill Gates

Frank Lloyd Wright Quote

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Bras and Trade Deficit

"Nobody ever buys a bra from and ad. It frankly makes me wonder if this could be a contributing factor to the trade deficit." - Dave Barry

Dolly Parton Wisdom

“I have got little feet because nothing grows in the shade” - Dolly Parton

More Samuel Goldwyn

Please write music like Wagner, only louder. - Producer Samuel Goldwyn

Joan Rivers-19 or 20 Mistakes

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.” - Joan Rivers

Steven Wright-Monopoly

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” - Steven Wright

Washington State-Endless Drizzle

“Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."” - Dave Barry

Both Ends and The Middle

"A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle." - Ian Fleming

A Royal Flush

Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom. - VP Pappy

Andrew Jackson-Grammar

"It's a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word." - Andrew Jackson

How Hot Is It In Arizona?

* "Heat, ma’am!" I said; "it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones." - Sydney Smith, Lady Holland’s Memoir

* You know you're from Arizona when you drive two miles around a parking lot looking for a shady place - even in the dead of winter. - Local Saying

* Welcome to Arizona, where summer spends the winter - and hell spends the summer. - Local saying

* Once, it was so damned dry, the bushes followed the dogs around. - Nancy Dedera

Ancient Wisdom

It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. - Cicero

You Might Be a Redneck If....

You might be a redneck if:

Your husband spray paints the upholstery in your car to make it look new. - Unknown

Live Up To Your Standards

"Always live up to your standards - by lowering them, if necessary." - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook

P.G. Wodehouse-Golf

"Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious." - P.G. Wodehouse

Steven Wright-Tarot Cards

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright

Soup for One

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? - Elayne Boosler

Let Me Drive You Home From the Gas Station

Let Me Drive You Home From the Gas Station
By Greg Gagliardi

People never seem to amaze me. And by that I mean that people amaze me once in a while, and the rest of the time I try to remain unimpressed -- and usually succeed. Take this evening, for example: after getting gas in my car -- and keep in mind that I live in NJ, where we are not allowed to pump our own because people don't trust us enough -- the station attendant asked me where I was going. Not knowing where this question was headed, since people usually ask him for directions and not the other way around, I basically pointed in some random direction...

That was my first mistake. The random directional point never works. I don't have any information to back this up, but that is only because I refuse to ask the Internet until it gives me my Frisbee back...

So, after this random point, the attendant then asked me if I could drive his friend home. This was a tempting offer. I mean, think about it: me, some random guy, could drive home this other random guy who may or may not hijack my car at some point down the road and kill me. How could I refuse this offer? And especially for what he was offering me: "I'll give you a soda," he said...

I thought the soda offer was tempting because that'd be something I would enjoy while I was dead. While he was at it, he could have thrown in some other necessities for beneath the grave like caterpillars or sympathy cards. A weeping widow would have really done the trick...
Keep in mind that I don't keep my car very clean on the inside. Of course, I do clean it out once every four months or so, but otherwise I have a lot of random items in my car, which is probably why I usually resort to the random pointing. But it is situations like these that make me want to endorse unkempt cars on television. Such a car provides the perfect excuse to never have to drive anyone anywhere...

"I would drive him, but my car is a mess," I told the guy...

I tried my hardest to give him a facial expression which indicated a combination of disappointment and concern. If awards were given out for making fake facial expressions at gas stations (I will have to check), surely I would have received a nomination...

"What if you move all of your stuff into the back seat?" he asked me. Or at least it sounded like that, but I wasn't completely paying attention, being I was sidetracked by that soda offer and all. Did he not notice my facial expression? What did he want from me --tears? Who did he think I was -- Walker, Texas Ranger?

I then told him that I couldn't move my stuff back there because it would break. Luckily he didn't question how poster board, an old McDonald's bag and a bunch of pencils would suffer those consequences if moved, because then I'd have to resort to the random pointing again -- and then throw something at his face once he looked in that direction...

So indeed, people never seem to amaze me. And that's good, because I love the feeling that at any time and any place, someone I don't know will ask me for a ride. And only in NJ can I say "no" because the opposite is never expected of me...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (


I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. - Erma Bombeck


Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. - William Dean Howells


"Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric." - Pam Brown


Mirrors should think longer before they reflect. - Jean Cocteau

Eat Your Veggies!

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis of "Garfield" Fame

Mark Twain-Clothes and Naked People

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

Henry David Thoreau-Clothes

"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." - Henry David Thoreau

Football Players and Trees

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. - George Raveling

Phyllis Diller-Old People

"The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. " - Phyllis Diller

Hockey, Basketball, and Golf

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Renee Hicks

Last Week....

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday' - Steven Wright


By Karen Lech

Ah, here it is spring again! The smell of freshly mowed lawn wafts to my nostrils ... My neighbor, with his super duper John Deere tractor that I drool over is out there having fun. I get ready to start MY lawnmower and......... the sound it makes. OH NO! This will require a call to the repairman. I make the call and wait.

One week later...

I am imprisoned in the walls of my own home. I am not free to venture out and get my mail, walk out to fill the bird feeders, bring hay to my ponies, or just sit on the porch. I have no bathroom privileges either. I cannot vacuum my floor, I cannot do laundry which is waiting for me in the basement, calling my name. Why? The phone may ring and if I DO NOT answer its summons, I will again be bereft of the use of my lawnmower for who knows how long. I am bound by the leash of my telephone cord. My activities are limited to kitchen privileges only, dishwashing, dusting, or I can kneel in front of the shrine I made with the repairman's picture, light the candles and chant and maybe then the phone will ring.

My jailer is the Sears Repair man. Today, that is. Sometimes I am incarcerated by the cable repair guy or some other repairman, i.e., telephone company repairman, electric, gas. If you do not answer your phone when they call, they assume you are not there (never even considering you may have to use the bathroom or do anything other than sit by your phone and pray you don't miss the call) and hence, they will not come out for their scheduled appointment. I am often tempted to rent a prison costume to wear when I answer the door, when and if the repairman finally does arrive with a smile and toolbox in hand.

Now, had I the privilege of a cell phone or cordless (which my kids have, but hide) I would not be in this predicament. Had I the knowledge to understand the mechanism of my iron horse of a garden tractor, the capability to actually perform the magical feats of repairing it, tools, and unlimited access to the parts I would need, I would be a free woman. This is like being grounded, watching my friends playing outside.

but then........

He came out!! He really did! Praise God for the Sears repairman and my reprieve!!

And half an hour later...

I hate it when he knocks on the door and says, "Ma'm I have good news and bad news."

Dismayed, I choke back the tears..... the good news is? "I got it running!" the bad news is... "You need a V belt." Which is exactly what I told the person who scheduled the appointment in the first place. The friendly automated voice tells you to say what you need. Boy, I could record a LOT of answers to that. Since it is a voice recognition thing, though, the canned voice would say they are unable to process my request or something like I did not understand what you said. (I worry that it is actually a robot.) "It needs a belt, the one that drives the blades." I stated in plain English.

So, hopefully, I reply to the repairman, "Well, you have all that stuff on your truck, right? I told them that when I called, that it needed a belt."

"Belts are not a stock item we carry on the trucks." he smugly replies.

Does this mean what I think it does??

"I'll order the part, and schedule an appointment to come out next week. I will call you before I come out." He smiles sweetly as he apologizes for the delay in repair, while I biting my lips, cannot even speak. My thoughts stampede around in my brain like an elephant herd! My heart pounds and my temples throb. Oh goody! I think... We can do this again next week! Well, if the part comes, that is.

Meanwhile, I watch as my yard is returning to prairie state. Maybe I could get a grant to keep it that way from the Conservation District. But that could bring on a set of more problems, like the wildlife that would come along with it. I envision beavers and weasels happily romping around my yard.

I sigh as I watch my neighbor gleefully mowing his lawn with his goody two shoes John Deere, the one that is operated by handles and can go in circles, while I sit waiting for the parole board of repairmen to make the decision of when I can get out, and I can't for the life of me figure out exactly what crime I committed. Maybe it was failure to hire a landscaping contractor, and give them the right of way into my yard. I must have disobeyed the laws of nature or something.

Meanwhile, I will just sit in my cell and bide my time. Next time I call I am going to ask if I can have conjugal rights and see what the robot says.

thanks for reading! Karen A. Lech, copyright 2005

About the Author

I am an author from Richmond, Illinois, which is a very small town on Illinois/Wisconsin border. My first book was published in August 2005, titled 51 POEMS FOR CHILDREN. visit me at!