A Good Marriage....

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” - Honore de Balzac

H.H. Munro Quote

“A woman who takes her husband about with her everywhere is like a cat that goes on playing with a mouse long after she's killed it” - H.H. Munro

Flowers For No Reason?

“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.” - Molly McGee


No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. - Groucho

Steven Wright Quote

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. - Steven Wright

Rodney D. -Wife Cheats

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. - Rodney Dangerfield

The Best Car Safety Device

"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it." - Dudley Moore


I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand. - Jonathan Swift

Classic Insult

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."Winston Churchill: "If I were your husband, madam, I should drink it."

How Do You Cause Happiness?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

Only Irish Coffee...

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

Get a Dog and a Cat

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce

Heartburn Stew

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning. - John Barrymore

Ogden Nash-The Bed Paradox

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. - Ogden Nash


It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash. - Josh Billings

Marriages Don't Last

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? - Rita Rudner

Errol Flynn-Habits and Income

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn


Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." - Robert Byrne


I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace. - Terri Guillemets

W.C. Fields-Expert of Electricity

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. - W.C. Fields

The Best Birth Control

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” - Joan Rivers

Fat Free Floor Wax?

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry

Definition: Hospitality

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. ~Author Unknown

She Buried Three Husbands

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. " - Rita Rudner

As You Get Older...

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... " - Norman Wisdom