From Granny's Journal: Cats, Mice and Houseguests
By Marge Holley
What is it with all the cats in the winter? Do they forget how to catch mice? They are so round and fat they look like they are going to explode, yet when you put food in front of them they eat as if they were starving. Sort of like my mother-in-law. Wait! Scratch that. Never mind. Don't. What are the chances she'll read anything I wrote? My sister-in-law can tell her.
We're having a heat wave. It warmed up to 33 degrees. The icicles started melting and falling off of the house. One of them almost got the cat, like a spear. I'm sure that the scare took away one or two of his nine lives. How come mice never have accidents. They chew through electric wires, cause fires, then run off into the fields. Maybe we could leave decoy food in the yard to lure them away from the house.
After all my house guests left, there wasn't enough food left to interest the mice. I've devised a plan to rid myself of unwanted house guests. You know the kind. They stay and stay and eat and eat and complain.
1. Let the dog lick off the plates then put them directly into the cupboard. 2. Have husband belch loudly and pick his nose at the dinner table. Of course, if the house guest husband does this too, it probably won't deter them. 3. Turn on hot water for washer when house guest is in the shower or flush the toilet. 4. Cook a lot of beans. They are cheap and loaded with protein among other things. 5. Have the neighbor children over and make sure they run through the house and get into everything. Mine do that anyway. 6. Run out of soap and toilet paper (hide some for yourself, of course). I tried running out and the house guest presented me with a grocery list. They can't find a store or their wallet to contribute. I guess that the pleasure of their company is supposed to suffice. Oh, by the way, the beans everyday finally did the trick. Do you want to borrow my bean cookbook?
Granny Marge just published her second humor book, Granny's Journal, following closely on the heels of her first one, Have I Ever Told You How Much I Hate People? Written by Two Little Old Ladies With No Friends.
