Alex Trebek in Jeopardy....

While chasing a burglar, Alex Trebek injured his Achilles tendon, or as he calls it, “the tendon named for this hero of Greek mythology.” - Conan

Living In New Jersey

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn’t breathe. Doctors said the condition is called “living in New Jersey.” - Jay Leno

It's That High!

America's debt ceiling is so high, even Charlie Sheen has tried to stage an intervention. - Joan Rivers

Maybe.....

Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my cable. - Jim Gaffigan

Statue of Liberty was Asked to.....

The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch. - Joan Rivers

Heat Exhaustion.....

It’s so hot that people are standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady. - Leno

Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, “We are home. We have no jobs.” - Conan

It’s so hot, Casey Anthony thought she was already in hell. - Leno

  

Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya. - Jimmy Kimmel

The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees. Maybe the world actually did end in May and the people in Washington are actually in hell. Jimmy Kimmel

What's Next?

Charlie Sheen will star in a new sitcom as an anger management therapist. So what's next? Casey Anthony as the owner of a daycare center? - Joan Rivers

Delta Airlines

Two Delta planes collided last night at the airport in Boston. The passengers were okay — except for having to pay Delta’s $50 collision fee.

That’s right, two Delta planes collided at an airport in Boston. Or as air traffic controllers put it, “Glad I wasn’t awake to see that one.”

The Perfect Supermodel Weight

16-lb baby born in Texas. The family hoped that it would be a girl since it was already born at the perfect supermodel weight! - Lisa Lampanelli

Bankrupting NY?

Michelle Bachman would ban gay marriage & porn. So that's her plan: bankrupting New York.  - Denis Leary

Funnies by Jimmie Fallon

On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, “I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s definitely an American.”

The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.

Schools in Illinois are dropping writing portions from standardized tests. When asked why, a spokesman said, “We simple does not needs them.”

Cat Authority Stephen Colbert

There's more than one way to skin a cat, but people usually freak out and call the cops before you're done with the first. - Stephen Colbert

Osbourne Estate

"Osbourne Estate Listed For $12.99 Million." They had it sold, but Ozzy couldn't find the keys. - Elayne Boosler

The Ultimate Dog Tease.....

Anthony Jury Blasted by Leno

Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.

I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida.

Lisa Lampanelli on Casey Anthony Situation

Casey Anthony found not guilty. Can’t wait for her to be arrested in a few years for trying to steal back her own memorabilia - Lisa Lampanelli

Happy Independence Day!

You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism - Erma Bombeck

California Missed One Million

California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children? - Conan

Top Ten Lindsay Lohan Summer Plans

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Lindsay Lohan Summer Plans

10

Get drunk, steal some crap

9

Scan United States code for laws she hasn't broken

8

For change of pace, rent timeshare in Hamptons prison

7

Update her mug shot

6

Play new fun game: Will I get buzzed into this jewelry store?

5

Help Michele O'Bachmann learn the difference between actors and serial killers

4

Decide if the next step is "Dancing With the Stars" or "Celebrity Rehab"

3

Shop for the latest trends in ankle monitor fashions

2

Go see new Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie "Larry Crowne." The "Chicago Tribune" calls it a delightful romp

1

Get treated for exhaustion, dehydration, or some other celebrity affliction