May All Your Troubles....
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." - Joey Adams
Jay Leno-New Years's Eve
"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." - Jay Leno
Youth, Middle Age and New Year's Eve
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." - Bill Vaughn
Samuel Goldwyn
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. - Samuel Goldwyn
She Had Lost...
She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw
Dave Barry's Physical
I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. - Dave Barry
Unlimited Stupidity
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits" - Albert Einstein
Psychics and Bent Coils
"I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil." - Uri Geller
Unwrapping Wrap
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. - Steven Wright
The One Thing....
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. " - Joan Rivers
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanakkuh!
Editor Pat: I hope all the readers of Classic Funny Quotes enjoy your Holiday weekend and family time! Relax and think about the blessings in your life.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." - David Letterman
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." - David Letterman
Speed-Reading Accident!
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. - Steven Wright
Men and Directions
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. - Elayne Boosler
W.C. Fields-6 or 7
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. - W.C. Fields
Drunk vs. Ugly
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill
The Power of Positive Thinking!
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? - Ronnie Shakes
As You Get Older....
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. - Carrie Fisher
Robert Frost-The Brain
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost
The Worm Sermon
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Christmas Day
The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack. - John Cleese
Electricity
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. - Dave Barry
Boxing
"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious." - Alan Winter
Nouvelle Cuisine
Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry. - Mike Kalin
Lets Hear it For Plumbers!
"Why do actors think they are so damn important? They're not. Acting is not an important job in the scheme of things. Plumbing is." - Spencer Tracy
Should We Really Cheer?
"A good bra is a huge struggle to find. I like sheer bras that you can see my nipples through, but ABC has a big problem with those. But you know what? Since [Desperate Housewives] a hit now, everyone seems to be perfectly happy with them and I haven't been getting any nipple notes. Cheers to my nipples." - Teri Hatcher
The Human Brain-Emo Philips
I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "What part of my body is telling me that?" - Emo Philips
3 Minute Egg
"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front." - Milton Berle
Driving Distractions: Do You Need Cream and Sugar?
Driving Distractions: Do You Need Cream and Sugar?
By Don Doman
Early one morning last week while sitting at a traffic light, I watched a man eating a bowl of cereal. He carefully lifted each spoonful to his mouth and then drove off when the light changed.
I've been known to eat while driving - wadded up hamburger wrappers under the front seats give ample testimony. The large brown coffee stain on the carpet tells the tale of a sharp turn and a drink carrier stability problem. Occasionally, I clean out the neat little take-out boxes that once held prime rib sandwiches. I know about eating and driving but even I have never eaten cereal while driving, although I was once tempted to sample some doggie-bag spaghetti while driving home from a restuarant.
In our rapid-paced auto-erratic world many people save time by eating on the run. We don't want to eat right . . . we want to eat right now!
Like cell phone use, eating is a distraction and is the cause of many auto accidents, especially in the morning. Food is not so much the culprit, but rather the vehicle. Drivers on their way to work don't want to arrive at the office with a chest full of dribbles. So, they watch for globs, gobs, and drips - taking their eyes off the road.
Taco Bell has taken the need for fast-food driving to heart. Many of their new products are designed to be more drip-dry with thicker shredded cheese and crunchier taco shells that hold together better.
Here are the worst food/accident offenders:
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili-covered food
Juicy hamburgers
Barbecue
Fried chicken
Jelly-and cream-filled donuts
Soft drinks
Chocolate
(Source: Haggerty Classic Insurance)
To me, chocolate is the shocker on the list. It's so easy to nibble on a chocolate bar or bon bon while driving. It seems so innocuous, but stop and think how chocolate can stain, specially on a hot day. A piece of Brown & Haley Bavarian Crème smeared on your shirt front and you're marked as a sloppy person. Dressing for success does not include food stains.
What can you do to protect yourself . . . if you want to continue to eat and drive?
Here are six things that will allow you to continue driving in the fast-food lane:
* Keep a big linen napkin in your automobile - Use the large napkin to tuck into your collar so any drips fall onto the napkin -- like a baby's bib it will help protect your clothes.
* Keep a roll of paper towels in your car - Paper towels can not only give you something to wipe your hands on, but they're also great for soaking up spills.
* Use a hardside drink container with a lid - While you can get a paper cup with a plastic lid and drink from that, what sometimes causes a spill is the weak sides of the container colapsing. A hardside container is easier to control . . . and safer.
* Find a cup holder to accomodate your favorite beverage - In most auto parts stores you can find cup holders for almost any size drinking container. By purchasing one that fits your container you will feel extra safe knowing that your cup holder will keep your container from falling, under normal conditions.
* Keep a bottle of club soda in your car - If you do spill something on your clothes, knowing that you can possibly clean it up will help alleviate some of your fears about making a mess.
* Keep a clean shirt or blouse in the auto - It's always smart to have a second set of clothes, just in case . . .
By eleminating potential problems and preparing for food accidents you can hopefully reduce distractions and worry. If you do have a massive spill, you'll feel much better knowing that you can still make that morning meeting looking nice, neat and professional . . . if you started out looking that way.
About the author:
Author Don Doman: Don is a published author of books for small business, corporate video producer, and owner of Ideas and Training (http://www.ideasandtraining.com), which provides business training products. Don also owns and Human Resources Radio (http://www.humanresourcesradio.com), which provides business training programs and previews 24-hours a day.
By Don Doman
Early one morning last week while sitting at a traffic light, I watched a man eating a bowl of cereal. He carefully lifted each spoonful to his mouth and then drove off when the light changed.
I've been known to eat while driving - wadded up hamburger wrappers under the front seats give ample testimony. The large brown coffee stain on the carpet tells the tale of a sharp turn and a drink carrier stability problem. Occasionally, I clean out the neat little take-out boxes that once held prime rib sandwiches. I know about eating and driving but even I have never eaten cereal while driving, although I was once tempted to sample some doggie-bag spaghetti while driving home from a restuarant.
In our rapid-paced auto-erratic world many people save time by eating on the run. We don't want to eat right . . . we want to eat right now!
Like cell phone use, eating is a distraction and is the cause of many auto accidents, especially in the morning. Food is not so much the culprit, but rather the vehicle. Drivers on their way to work don't want to arrive at the office with a chest full of dribbles. So, they watch for globs, gobs, and drips - taking their eyes off the road.
Taco Bell has taken the need for fast-food driving to heart. Many of their new products are designed to be more drip-dry with thicker shredded cheese and crunchier taco shells that hold together better.
Here are the worst food/accident offenders:
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili-covered food
Juicy hamburgers
Barbecue
Fried chicken
Jelly-and cream-filled donuts
Soft drinks
Chocolate
(Source: Haggerty Classic Insurance)
To me, chocolate is the shocker on the list. It's so easy to nibble on a chocolate bar or bon bon while driving. It seems so innocuous, but stop and think how chocolate can stain, specially on a hot day. A piece of Brown & Haley Bavarian Crème smeared on your shirt front and you're marked as a sloppy person. Dressing for success does not include food stains.
What can you do to protect yourself . . . if you want to continue to eat and drive?
Here are six things that will allow you to continue driving in the fast-food lane:
* Keep a big linen napkin in your automobile - Use the large napkin to tuck into your collar so any drips fall onto the napkin -- like a baby's bib it will help protect your clothes.
* Keep a roll of paper towels in your car - Paper towels can not only give you something to wipe your hands on, but they're also great for soaking up spills.
* Use a hardside drink container with a lid - While you can get a paper cup with a plastic lid and drink from that, what sometimes causes a spill is the weak sides of the container colapsing. A hardside container is easier to control . . . and safer.
* Find a cup holder to accomodate your favorite beverage - In most auto parts stores you can find cup holders for almost any size drinking container. By purchasing one that fits your container you will feel extra safe knowing that your cup holder will keep your container from falling, under normal conditions.
* Keep a bottle of club soda in your car - If you do spill something on your clothes, knowing that you can possibly clean it up will help alleviate some of your fears about making a mess.
* Keep a clean shirt or blouse in the auto - It's always smart to have a second set of clothes, just in case . . .
By eleminating potential problems and preparing for food accidents you can hopefully reduce distractions and worry. If you do have a massive spill, you'll feel much better knowing that you can still make that morning meeting looking nice, neat and professional . . . if you started out looking that way.
About the author:
Author Don Doman: Don is a published author of books for small business, corporate video producer, and owner of Ideas and Training (http://www.ideasandtraining.com), which provides business training products. Don also owns and Human Resources Radio (http://www.humanresourcesradio.com), which provides business training programs and previews 24-hours a day.
They Never Argue
" My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they can't hear each other. " - Cathy Ladman
Give a Man a Fish!
"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. " - Zenna Schaffer
Control Your Turkey Intake!
"We recommend that no one eat more than two tons of turkey - that's what it would take to poison someone." - Elizabeth Whelan
What?
What is sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey or the guinea hen. - Alice B. Toklas
The Turkey Prayer
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family. - Berke Breathed
Tea-Rudyard Kipling
"We had a kettle; we let it leak:Our not repairing made it worse.We haven't had any tea for a week...The bottom is out of the Universe." - Rudyard Kipling
Dame Sitwell-Unpopular Eel
"I am not eccentric. It's just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish." - Dame Edith Sitwell
W.C. Fields-The Clever Cat
"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath." - W.C. Fields
A Cynic-H.L. Mencken
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - H.L. Mencken
Ancestry and The Potato Plant
"A man who prides himself on his ancestry is like the potato plant, the best part of which is underground" - Spanish Proverb
Kiwi Fruit-Erma Bombeck
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. - Erma Bombeck
Dave Barry-Magnetism
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. - Dave Barry
All Groucho!
* "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you."
* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
* Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"
* "We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."
* Groucho: "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."
Chico: "Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."
* "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
* Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"
* "We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself."
* Groucho: "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."
Chico: "Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."
* "Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
My Luck is So Bad That...
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Firgol
Mel Brooks Quote
I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting. - Mel Brooks
Rodney Dangerfield Funny
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
Peekaboo-Rita Rudner
"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner
Phyllis Diller's Mother-in-Law
"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee." - Phyllis Diller
Steven Spielberg-Bookmark
"Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?" - Steven Spielberg
Monopoly-Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. - Steven Wright
Highly Offensive Jokes-Just Silly Humor
Q: What does it mean when the flag is flying half staff at the post office?
A: They're hiring!
Q: Where do Irish families go on vacation?
A: A new bar
Q: What do you call an Italian with only one arm?
A: Speech impaired
A: They're hiring!
Q: Where do Irish families go on vacation?
A: A new bar
Q: What do you call an Italian with only one arm?
A: Speech impaired
Mae West Never Worries About Diets
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West
Tattoos-From Butterfly to Condor
Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor. - Billy Elmer
Jack Benny-Cannibal
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. - Jack Benny
Dean Martin-When Your Opponent....
"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table." - Dean Martin
The Aging Process...
The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. - Doug Larson
How Many Kids Does it Take To....
"Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on." - Erma Bombeck
Diplomacy-Will Rogers
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers
An Abstainer is...
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - Ambrose Bierce
Dave Barry-Socks
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark. - Dave Barry
Doug Larson-Lackadaisical
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - Doug Larson
Dilbert Jargon
We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings. - Scott Adams
She Was So Blonde That
She Was So Blonde That
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She sold the car for gas money!
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She sold the car for gas money!
Dancing With The Cows-Groucho
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. - Groucho
Early to Rise
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. - James Thurber
Robert Benchley-Machinery
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. - Robert Benchley
P.G. Wodehouse Quote
She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when." - P.G. Wodehouse
A Tasteful Way to be Famous
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too. - P.J. O'Rourke
Henny Youngman-Baggage Request
"Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" - Henny Youngman
Mr. Right
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. - Rita Rudner
Arkansas Residency Application
* Editor Pat: Don't get offended, these are just jokes and quotes intended for entertainment and not to insult anyone!
Arkansas Residency Application
Last Name: ________________ (last)
First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack
Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Farmer(_) Mechanic(_) Hair Dresser(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer(_) The Globe(_) TV Guide(_) Soap Opera Digest(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Arkansas Residency Application
Last Name: ________________ (last)
First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray(_) Billy-Sue(_) Billy-Mae(_) Billy-Jack
Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Farmer(_) Mechanic(_) Hair Dresser(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister(_) Brother(_) Aunt(_) Uncle(_) Cousin(_) Mother(_) Father(_) Son(_) Daughter(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer(_) The Globe(_) TV Guide(_) Soap Opera Digest(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Rodney and Halloween
"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield
Barbra Streisand Quote
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand
New York
"New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you"- Author Unknown
Phrases and Meanings
Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. - Erma Bombeck
Don't Give a Woman Advice
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. - Oscar Wilde
Dog or Child?
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
Erma Bombeck Quote
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what! - Erma Bombeck
Beware of the Spanish-English Dictionary
In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess. - Dave Barry
P.J. O'Rourke- Vegetables and Fruit
Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do. (The Bachelor Home Companion) - P. J. O' Rourke
Will Rogers-He Reports the Facts
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
Steven Wright Quote
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. - Steven Wright
Find Out if You're a Redneck Here
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
George Carlin Funny
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin
Oscar Levant-A Fierce Desire
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. - Oscar Levant
Flying With a Blonde
Flying With A Blonde
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
Give 100% At Work!
"I always give 100% at work:
13% Monday
22% Tuesday
26% Wednesday
35% Thursday
4% Friday"
- Author Unknown
13% Monday
22% Tuesday
26% Wednesday
35% Thursday
4% Friday"
- Author Unknown
The Family Parrot
"Live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." - Mark Twain
Groucho-Footprints
"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."- Groucho
Italy vs. Switzerland
In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. - Orson Welles
Aunt Marion Was Right
Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door. - Charles M. Schulz
Robert Benchley-Drinking
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley
Illusion and Carpets
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen
Visible Stomach Muscles-Dave Barry
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. - Dave Barry
Phyllis Diller-You Know You're Old When
"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type" - Phyllis Diller
Fred Allen-Long Walks
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen
All Women Are Crazy!
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W.C. Fields
When Cats Leap
When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. - Alisha Everett
Steven Wright-Insane Neighbors
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." - Steven Wright
Suggestion For New Zealand
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. - Lewis Black
George Burns Wisdom
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. - George Burns
What's With You Men?
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? - Erma Bombeck
Billy Barty Quote
The name of my condition is Cartilage Hair Syndrome Hypoplasia, but you can just call me Billy. - Billy Barty
Cathy Guisewite Funny
"Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups." - Cathy Guisewite
Lewis Grizzard-Life is....
"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." - Lewis Grizzard
Grandmother Doesn't Need Glasses
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman
Jeff Foxworthy Funny
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck. - Jeff Foxworthy
Scott Adams Funny
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. - Scott Adams
Don't Tell Your Kids
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.' - Joan Rivers
Bridegooms Anonymous
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
Rodney-No Respect From Wife
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
Jay London-Hair Loss
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. - Jay London
A Neurotic Man
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. - Jerome Lawrence
Woody allen-He's Astounded!
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen
Rita Rudner-Cosmetic Surgery
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. - Rita Rudner
Poetry and Luggage
"Anticipating that most poetry will be worse than carrying heavy luggage through O'Hare Airport, the public, to its loss, reads very little of it" - Russell Baker
Mark Russell-Athletes Who Pray
"I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner." - Mark Russell
Pets Instead of Husband
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
24 Hour Grocery-Steven Wright
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright
Jay Leno-15 Women
"The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down." - Jay Leno
How To Be Boss-Robert Frost
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
They Know Who's Boss
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. - Tina Fey
Uncle Miltie- The Company Accountant
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Uncle Miltie (Berle)
Robert Benchley Succeeded
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. - Robert Benchley
Doug Larson Funny
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. - Doug Larson
11 Alternative Garden Games
11 Alternative Garden Games
By Tom Schneider
Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!
Icebreakers Game
#1: The Gnat Slap Equipment required: A garden of any size. As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!
Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs. This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.
Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling Equipment required: Weeds of any kind. This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.
Game #4: The Wasp Dodge Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene. With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.
Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill
Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant Equipment required: A dry turf. This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.
Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one! The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!
Game #7: Slug Races Equipment required: A slug for each guest. We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing. Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.
Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold. This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.
Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody. Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Games for After Dark
Game #10: Firefly Shooting Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone. After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos Equipment required: Go figure. Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.
About The Author:
When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line machine embroidery design business, WindstarEmbroidery.com
By Tom Schneider
Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you're in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!
Icebreakers Game
#1: The Gnat Slap Equipment required: A garden of any size. As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory 'stroll through the garden'. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying another guest; never are they permitted to slap gnats hovering around their own eyes, nose, ears or mouth. The winner is the last guest standing. A great icebreaker!
Game #2: The 3-Legged Butterfly Chase Equipment required: Rope or wire to bind legs. This is lots of fun. Tightly bind two guests' legs together to make a three-legged contestant. Then tell them you'll unbind them only after they've captured a butterfly.Tip: For a longer lasting game, declare the quarry to be a hummingbird.
Game #3: Competitive Weed Pulling Equipment required: Weeds of any kind. This is a great game to reward the hard working guest. Entrants don't eat until the entire garden is cleaned of weeds. Winner: The person with the most weeds eats first and most, and so on down the line. This game teaches the rewards of the Puritan work ethic.
Game #4: The Wasp Dodge Equipment required: More wire for binding, an in-ground wasp nest or two (Yellow Jackets are the best!), a small amount of kerosene. With hands tightly wired behind their backs, have your players stand in a circle around a wasp nest entrance. Irritate the wasps by sprinkling a little kerosene over the hole and oh, boy! Stand back! Entrants are judged on style, grace, self-defensive acrobatic movements and number of stings.
Games to Play While the Frozen Turkey Cooks on the Charcoal Grill
Game #5: Watch the Lawn Go Dormant Equipment required: A dry turf. This is for those guests that had a poor showing in the other games. The winner is the person still awake when the lawn is actually declared dormant.
Game #6: Bobbing for Aquatic Insects Equipment required: A stagnant water source such as a neglected pool, pond or bucket. Kids love this one! The winner is whoever come up with the largest water strider. Incentive for the competitively spirited: Anyone bobbing to the bottom retrieving the hapless mouse that slipped in about a month ago qualifies for the National Bobb-Off!
Game #7: Slug Races Equipment required: A slug for each guest. We suggest two events: The 4" sprint and the 2-foot marathon. Guests may mark their slugs in any way they wish.Tip 1: Use an air-horn to signify the start of the races. Slugs are hard of hearing. Tip 2: Entrants in the "Watch the Lawn Go Dormant" game can play this game simultaneously.
Game #8: Hornet's Nest Pinata Equipment required: 1 large hornet's nest, a stick long enough to reach the nest, a blindfold. This game really livens things up after the slower pace of the slug races and helps work off dinner.
Game #9: Blindfolded Lawn Mowing Equipment required: A power mower and the blindfold from the Hornet's Nest Pinata game if it isn't too bloody. Everyone loves this sport! One by one guests are blindfolded and told to mow the grass. The winner is the contestant who runs over the fewest trees, shrubs, flowers, pets and other guests. Lotsa laughs!Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Games for After Dark
Game #10: Firefly Shooting Equipment required: A BB gun for everyone. After a fun day of activities and food, gather everyone in the center of the garden in a large circle to try their hand at nailing a few fireflies. The winner, and don't expect one, is anyone who actually knocks a lightening bug out of the sky.Time Saving tip: Dial 911 before the game begins.
Game #11: Feed the Mosquitos Equipment required: Go figure. Play this last game while lingering over "good-byes" in the garden.
About The Author:
When Tom Schneider isn't trying to find new guests to invite to his garden parties, he and his wife Deb are busy with their on-line machine embroidery design business, WindstarEmbroidery.com
Steven Wright Loves Shopping
"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." - Steven Wright
Erma Bombeck-The Odds
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck
Marcel Marceau Quote
".......... ... ............................... ! .... ............ .......... ...... .. ......." - Marcel Marceau
Peanuts-Don't Worry
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - The Peanuts Gang
Phyllis Diller Funny
"If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? we have no enemies" - Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds and His Movies
"My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave." - Burt Reynolds
Somebody's Dream-Woody Allen
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?" - Woody Allen
Lunatics-Ambrose Bierce
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. - Ambrose Bierce
Calvin Trillin Quote
Keeping off a large weight loss is a phenomenon about as common in American medicine as an impoverished dermatologist. - Calvin Trillin
Steven Wright Museum Visit
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. - Steven Wright
Simpson's Quotes
Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.
Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman
Quotes courtesy of http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.
Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman
Quotes courtesy of http://www.thesimpsonsquotes.com/
Billy Bob Thornton Quote
I was the fattest baby in Clark County, Arkansas. They put me in the newspaper. It was like a prize turnip. - Billy Bob Thornton
Walter Matthau's Doctor
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
Orson Welles Theory
If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. - Orson Welles
Women-Emo Philips
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..." - Emo Philips
Bette Davis and Joan Crawford
The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? - Bette Davis
Zsa Zsa's Wisdom
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Dolly Parton-Plastic Surgeons
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills. - Dolly Parton
Tallulah Bankhead's Trouble
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
Dorothy Parker Wit
"My land is bare of chattering folk; / the clouds are low along the ridges, / and sweet's the air with curly smoke / from all my burning bridges." - Dorothy Parker
A Good Place to Meet Men-Rita Rudner
"A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaners. These men have jobs and usually bathe." - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-History Moment
"The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison. . . . Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented." - Dave Barry
Social Disease-Andy Warhol
I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs. - Andy Warhol
Paul Newman-Salad Dressing
The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films. - Paul Newman
Alfred Hitchcock-The Human Bladder
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock
Jimmy Fallon Funny
"Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason" - Jimmy Fallon
Ann Landers Quote
"No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic" - Ann Landers
Ogden Nash-Achieve Happiness
"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all" - Ogden Nash
Joan Hates Housework
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes— and
six months later you have to start all over again." - Joan Rivers
six months later you have to start all over again." - Joan Rivers
Henny Youngman-Secret of Long Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman
Sam Goldwyn-Yes and No Men
I hate a man who always says "yes" to me. When I say "no" I like a man who also says "no." - Samuel Goldwyn
Do Not Offend Your Company-Scott Adams
"Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information." - Scott Adams
H.L.Mencken-The Jury
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. - H.L. Mencken
Dr.Mani's Blogathon!
Help A Child With Heart Birth Defects
On Saturday Aug. 6, Dr. Mani, a surgeon specializing in children's heart birth defects, is putting on a "Blogathon" for kids who need life saving surgery. He will post a message to his blog every 30 minutes for 24 hrs.!! Dr. Mani's goal is to raise $100,000.00 on Aug. 6 which will sponsor 50 children. Just click the link below and visit poor hard-blogging Dr. Mani tonight or tomorrow and make a donation! Giving freely from the heart benefits the donor and the recipient!
http://www.ezinemarketingcenter.com/blog/
On Saturday Aug. 6, Dr. Mani, a surgeon specializing in children's heart birth defects, is putting on a "Blogathon" for kids who need life saving surgery. He will post a message to his blog every 30 minutes for 24 hrs.!! Dr. Mani's goal is to raise $100,000.00 on Aug. 6 which will sponsor 50 children. Just click the link below and visit poor hard-blogging Dr. Mani tonight or tomorrow and make a donation! Giving freely from the heart benefits the donor and the recipient!
http://www.ezinemarketingcenter.com/blog/
Rodney D.-Tough to Stay Married
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." - Rodney Dangerfield
Roseanne Won't vacuum
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne Barr
Rita's Fake Necklace
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head." - Rita Rudner
Dave Barry-Lumber
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes." - Dave Barry
Woody Allen-Live to a Hundred!
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Men-Winston Churchill
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - Winston Churchill
Ah, Women-Friedrich Nietzsche
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Luck and Risk-Oscar Wilde
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. - Oscar Wilde
Fickleness of Women-George Bernard Shaw
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me. - George Bernard Shaw
Jean Kerr-Men Driven to Speech
A man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr
Middle Age-Bob Hope
"Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning." - Bob Hope
Real Pain-Emo Philips
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper." - Emo Philips
Redneck-Jeff Foxworthy
"You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard." - Jeff Foxworthy
Dachshund Dogs-Robert Benchley
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other." - Robert Benchley
Dogs-Ogden Nash
"Dogs display reluctance and wrath If you try to give them a bath. They bury bones in hideaways And half the time they trot sideaways." - Ogden Nash
Dogs Feel Very Strongly-Dave Barry
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry
Will Shriner's Grandfather
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." - Will Shriner
Scott Adams Wit
"Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs" - Scott Adams
Hot Dog Vendors-David Letterman
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts." - David Letterman
Dame Edith Sitwell
"I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of art." - Dame Edith Sitwell
In Ancient Times
"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods, they have never forgotten this." - Alfred Whitehead
Bill Cosby-Children's Names
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. - Bill Cosby
Dean Martin Funny
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. - Dean Martin
Erma Bombeck Quote
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. - Erma Bombeck
Rodney and Halloween
"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield-Birds and Bees
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - Rodney Dangerfield
Joan Rivers Blames Her Mother
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. - Joan Rivers
Between Four and Seven Beers-Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. - Dave Barry
The Restaurant Chronicles Part 1
The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1
By Toni Kiser
Have you ever heard that saying, “The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as “Show-biz,” don’t you? But where can you go to see the best acting money can buy, any day of the week? No, I’m not talking about the theatre or TV. I’m talking about the “Restaurant-biz.” Servers, bartenders, hostesses, and restaurateurs act on a daily business. Their performance is crucial! Every movement, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurant-goers experience, and any one of these parts, if it isn’t just right, could lead to the restaurant-goer, well, going.
Many a restaurant owner has held their breath as they flipped to the local restaurant critic’s (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag), page to see what he or she has to say about their establishment. This write-up has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a privately owned one. Unfortunately the only critiques a server gets to give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server station, or over a beer (or several) at the end of a shift. Well, the restaurant critic has held the pen too long! The time has come for the server to speak up and critique the customer for a change!
I, as a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of patrons. This will be the first installment of a series I like to call, “The Restaurant Chronicles.” In this, Part 1, I will begin a labeling process which will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to illuminate those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let’s see, where should we begin?
The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in gabbing and/or gossiping with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. She or he is content to have the server stand and wait while finishing the conversation. This customer will ignore the server every time they come back and ask whether a refill or some other service is needed. If the server has to repeatedly ask the question, this customer will often flash a dirty look or make a snide comment.
The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul cannot seem to put their cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing to items on the menu and requiring their server to guess at their order instead of simply putting their phone down and speaking.
The Sally: If you’ve seen the movie When Harry met Sally, you have seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says thing like, “I’ll have this roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise? Actually can I have a little bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you have them toast it? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch…I don’t like that vinaigrette you guys use. Do you think I could get a coke instead of this tea? It tastes funny.” Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they truly are, demands.
The Dummy: This simple creature somehow manages to find their way to the restaurant, although it’s hard to imagine how. They come in through a door directly below a giant neon sign, flashing the word “OPEN,” and ask, with a blank look on their face, “Are you guys open?” The menu may have the word, in huge letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they will ask, “Are you guys serving breakfast?” This client teaches their server the art of patience, because it is nearly impossible not to reply sarcastically to such moronic questions.
The Merry Mommy Club: This group of lovely ladies and their lovely children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is hurdling small children, while at the same time, maneuvering large heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they consume only small side dishes of food and sip away gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every server’s favorite, hot tea! They squeak in babynese, and compete in the “My baby can do this…” game. They also are notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete in creating a virtual “Obstacle Course” for servers and other guests by climbing on top of tables, running behind the counter, and other various activities.
Well, that concludes Part 1 of the Restaurant Chronicles, but fear not, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the diner, in Part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often times, just plain weird business, we Restaurant folk affectionately refer to as, well…our job.
Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She worked as a server, manager and bartender in the Restaurant Industry for over 12 years. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.
By Toni Kiser
Have you ever heard that saying, “The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as “Show-biz,” don’t you? But where can you go to see the best acting money can buy, any day of the week? No, I’m not talking about the theatre or TV. I’m talking about the “Restaurant-biz.” Servers, bartenders, hostesses, and restaurateurs act on a daily business. Their performance is crucial! Every movement, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurant-goers experience, and any one of these parts, if it isn’t just right, could lead to the restaurant-goer, well, going.
Many a restaurant owner has held their breath as they flipped to the local restaurant critic’s (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag), page to see what he or she has to say about their establishment. This write-up has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a privately owned one. Unfortunately the only critiques a server gets to give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server station, or over a beer (or several) at the end of a shift. Well, the restaurant critic has held the pen too long! The time has come for the server to speak up and critique the customer for a change!
I, as a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of patrons. This will be the first installment of a series I like to call, “The Restaurant Chronicles.” In this, Part 1, I will begin a labeling process which will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to illuminate those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let’s see, where should we begin?
The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in gabbing and/or gossiping with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. She or he is content to have the server stand and wait while finishing the conversation. This customer will ignore the server every time they come back and ask whether a refill or some other service is needed. If the server has to repeatedly ask the question, this customer will often flash a dirty look or make a snide comment.
The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul cannot seem to put their cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing to items on the menu and requiring their server to guess at their order instead of simply putting their phone down and speaking.
The Sally: If you’ve seen the movie When Harry met Sally, you have seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says thing like, “I’ll have this roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise? Actually can I have a little bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you have them toast it? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch…I don’t like that vinaigrette you guys use. Do you think I could get a coke instead of this tea? It tastes funny.” Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they truly are, demands.
The Dummy: This simple creature somehow manages to find their way to the restaurant, although it’s hard to imagine how. They come in through a door directly below a giant neon sign, flashing the word “OPEN,” and ask, with a blank look on their face, “Are you guys open?” The menu may have the word, in huge letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they will ask, “Are you guys serving breakfast?” This client teaches their server the art of patience, because it is nearly impossible not to reply sarcastically to such moronic questions.
The Merry Mommy Club: This group of lovely ladies and their lovely children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is hurdling small children, while at the same time, maneuvering large heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they consume only small side dishes of food and sip away gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every server’s favorite, hot tea! They squeak in babynese, and compete in the “My baby can do this…” game. They also are notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete in creating a virtual “Obstacle Course” for servers and other guests by climbing on top of tables, running behind the counter, and other various activities.
Well, that concludes Part 1 of the Restaurant Chronicles, but fear not, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the diner, in Part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often times, just plain weird business, we Restaurant folk affectionately refer to as, well…our job.
Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She worked as a server, manager and bartender in the Restaurant Industry for over 12 years. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.
Cars-Tim Allen
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen
Riding With Jerks-Scott Adams
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. - Scott Adams
Trouble Getting Started-Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. - Emo Philips
Rice Cakes-Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. - Dave Barry
Standing Ovations
"Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot." - Earl Wilson
Diet Books
"Husband to his wife: "You could lose a lot of weight if you'd just carry all your diet books around the block once a day." - Bill Hoest (cartoonist)
Jeff Foxworthy-State Fair
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' - Jeff Foxworthy
Mistakes-Zig Ziglar
"Some of us learn from other people's mistakes and the rest of us have to be other people." - Zig Ziglar
Oscar Wild Quote
"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want." - Oscar Wilde
Men With Pierced Ears-Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
Garrison Keillor Quote
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. - Garrison Keillor
Training-Bill Dana
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. - Bill Dana
Nuns and The Parrot!
* A man and his wife were out for a relaxing Sunday drive in the countryside when they noticed that a group of nuns parked on the opposite side of the road were pouring something into their gas tank from a bedpan. The man shook his head and said "Those nuns sure have a lot of faith!".
* A plumber had an appointment to unclog a drain at an apartment at 5pm on a hot and humid August day. The woman who lived in the apartment was late getting home for the appoinment and only her pet Parrot was at home. The plumber showed up at the door at 5 pm and knocked. He heard a voice say "Who is it?". The plumber politely replied "The plumber". No reply was given to the plumber. The plumber was starting to sweat and get a little irritated, once again he knocked on the door. The voice said "Who is it?". The plumber replied very loudly "The Plumber!". Once again, no reply from the voice in the apartment. The plumber, who had a heart condition and was getting very stressed out and aggravated by what appeared to be a joke being played on him, took his fist and banged very loudly on the apartment door. "Who is it?" came the voice again. The plumber unable to control his rage dropped dead of a heart attack right there in front of the door.
The woman who had made the appointment arrived at her door and saw the man lying there who appeared to be dead. She excitedly opened her door and said out loud "Who is it?". Her pet Parrot said "The Plumber!".
* A plumber had an appointment to unclog a drain at an apartment at 5pm on a hot and humid August day. The woman who lived in the apartment was late getting home for the appoinment and only her pet Parrot was at home. The plumber showed up at the door at 5 pm and knocked. He heard a voice say "Who is it?". The plumber politely replied "The plumber". No reply was given to the plumber. The plumber was starting to sweat and get a little irritated, once again he knocked on the door. The voice said "Who is it?". The plumber replied very loudly "The Plumber!". Once again, no reply from the voice in the apartment. The plumber, who had a heart condition and was getting very stressed out and aggravated by what appeared to be a joke being played on him, took his fist and banged very loudly on the apartment door. "Who is it?" came the voice again. The plumber unable to control his rage dropped dead of a heart attack right there in front of the door.
The woman who had made the appointment arrived at her door and saw the man lying there who appeared to be dead. She excitedly opened her door and said out loud "Who is it?". Her pet Parrot said "The Plumber!".
Women-Bill Vaughn
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking. - Bill Vaughn
Bob Hope Quote
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
Break in Adolescence-Jules Feiffer
At sixteen I was stupid, confused and indecisive. At twenty-five I was wise, self-confident, prepossessing and assertive. At forty-five I am stupid, confused, insecure and indecisive. Who would have supposed that maturity is only a short break in adolescence? - Jules Feiffer
9 Out of 10 Doctors
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." - Jay Leno
Funny by Joan Rivers
"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name." - Joan Rivers
Progress-Samuel Butler
"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." - Samuel Butler
Emo Phillips Got in a Fight
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." - Emo Philips
Essential Laughter
Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.
There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.
Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life’s “ugh” into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, “I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles – but much more so when he laughs – it adds something to this fragment of life.” Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.
In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!
THE ACQUITTAL
Mrs. Graite had reached her limit; The pain no more could bear. Her pastor's boring sermons Had led her to mad despair.
She invited him to dinner; Prepared tasty veal. Suspecting something was not right He refused to eat the meal.
She thought, as she was led away In handcuffs to a cell, "No more boring sermons Is worth all my time in jail."
But her prison term was short 'Cause the jury heard a tape, Of the preacher's boring sermons And acquitted Mrs Graite.
This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.
There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.
Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life’s “ugh” into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, “I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles – but much more so when he laughs – it adds something to this fragment of life.” Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.
In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!
THE ACQUITTAL
Mrs. Graite had reached her limit; The pain no more could bear. Her pastor's boring sermons Had led her to mad despair.
She invited him to dinner; Prepared tasty veal. Suspecting something was not right He refused to eat the meal.
She thought, as she was led away In handcuffs to a cell, "No more boring sermons Is worth all my time in jail."
But her prison term was short 'Cause the jury heard a tape, Of the preacher's boring sermons And acquitted Mrs Graite.
This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.
Samuel Goldwyn Logic
Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible. - Samuel Goldwyn
A Wise Diner-Calvin Trillin
When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere. - Calvin Trillin
George Carlin Quote
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. - George Carlin
Lady Godiva
I think there's a danger in overexposure. Just think what happened to Lady Godiva - she became a chocolate. - Kenneth Jay Lane
Carob-Sandra Boynton
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt. - Sandra Boynton
Dave Barry Funny
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry
Stuntman-Jackie Chan
"American stuntmen are smart —they think about safety. When they do a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance. . . . But in Hong Kong, we don't know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you've got the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. I say, "Do it! Camera, action, jump!" Boom! Ambulance! Hospital! Next stuntman!" - Jackie Chan
Earl Wilson Quote
"An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes." - Earl Wilson
Arrested Development
"I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development." - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Joan Rivers Funny
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." - Joan Rivers
Mother-in-Law-Phyllis Diller
"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee." - Phyllis Diller
Rita Rudner's Boyfriend
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to." - Rita Rudner
In Tulsa-Roseanne Barr
"In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open." - Roseanne Barr
Riot-Ambrose Bierce
"RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders." - Ambrose Bierce
A Sobering Thought
A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? - Jane Wagner
Bookstores-Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfeld
Henny Youngman Quote
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Bran-Alan King
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King
Imelda Marcos and Her Shoe Count
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. - Imelda Marcos
Jerry Springer Kit-Roseanne Barr
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy. - Roseanne Barr
A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
by Richard Chapo
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.
Stories:
1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
And finally:
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.
About The Author:
Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.
by Richard Chapo
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.
Stories:
1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
And finally:
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.
About The Author:
Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.
Funny by Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. - Rodney Dangerfield
Hyprocritical-Jean Kerr
Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite. - Jean Kerr
The Logic of Samuel Goldwyn
If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave. - Samuel Goldwyn
Funny by Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - Emo Philips
Jane Fonda Quote
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood-Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy. - Jane Fonda
Tommy Cooper Quote
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot." - Tommy Cooper (British comedian)
Calvin Trillon Wit
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillon
Star Wars Fans
Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. - Conan O'Brien
Doug Larson Funny
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
Modern Teenager-Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Dave Barry
Ogden Nash Quote
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash
Little Feet-Rita Rudner
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. - Rita Rudner
Dame Edna
My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia. - Dame Edna Everage
The Hidden Driveway
I won’t lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I’d even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway...
I’ve wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed while implying I should be careful of it. And I was — because who am I not to follow a sign, especially when it pertains to something hidden?
Many would consider hidden driveways to be dangerous because a person who backs out of such a location may be hit by oncoming traffic — or even outgoing traffic, or even a wandering turtle with a jetpack. Sure, there are rearview and side mirrors, but those with hidden driveways are rebels, and rebels don’t use mirrors except to adjust their ski masks and glow-in-the-dark sunglasses...
One may now be wondering why I would want a hidden driveway if they are indeed so dangerous. To begin, it would help to cut down random visits from people I don’t want to see. I could even be extra nice to these people, inviting them over for the best cheesecake this side of Mouseville. But then, alas, they’d never find my driveway. Thus, I’d be known as a nice person who "unfortunately" lives at a location that is hard to find. This would also elevate the reputation of the cheesecake...
The better reason for wanting a hidden driveway, though, is that it would make me seem like a secret agent every time I leave for work, head for the local convenient store, or even move the car so that there is more room to play horseshoes. To add to the mystique of my persona, I would leave the driveway only when it is dark outside, or when everyone else is at some local festival that I skipped because of how hidden I am. Eventually, after a couple of years of keeping up this routine, I would not even need a car because no one would be able to see it anyway, which contradicts the reason for having one. Rather, I would walk everywhere that is within walking distance — and everything else I would have delivered...
Such would be the life of a person with a hidden driveway. If you have one, please invite me over sometime soon so I can practice backing out of one...
But I digress.
Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)
I’ve wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed while implying I should be careful of it. And I was — because who am I not to follow a sign, especially when it pertains to something hidden?
Many would consider hidden driveways to be dangerous because a person who backs out of such a location may be hit by oncoming traffic — or even outgoing traffic, or even a wandering turtle with a jetpack. Sure, there are rearview and side mirrors, but those with hidden driveways are rebels, and rebels don’t use mirrors except to adjust their ski masks and glow-in-the-dark sunglasses...
One may now be wondering why I would want a hidden driveway if they are indeed so dangerous. To begin, it would help to cut down random visits from people I don’t want to see. I could even be extra nice to these people, inviting them over for the best cheesecake this side of Mouseville. But then, alas, they’d never find my driveway. Thus, I’d be known as a nice person who "unfortunately" lives at a location that is hard to find. This would also elevate the reputation of the cheesecake...
The better reason for wanting a hidden driveway, though, is that it would make me seem like a secret agent every time I leave for work, head for the local convenient store, or even move the car so that there is more room to play horseshoes. To add to the mystique of my persona, I would leave the driveway only when it is dark outside, or when everyone else is at some local festival that I skipped because of how hidden I am. Eventually, after a couple of years of keeping up this routine, I would not even need a car because no one would be able to see it anyway, which contradicts the reason for having one. Rather, I would walk everywhere that is within walking distance — and everything else I would have delivered...
Such would be the life of a person with a hidden driveway. If you have one, please invite me over sometime soon so I can practice backing out of one...
But I digress.
Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)
Dolly Parton
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton
Cyndi Lauper Wisdom
I've always wondered what it would be like if somebody from outer space landed with three heads. Then all of a sudden everybody else wouldn't look so bad, huh? Well, OK you're a little different from me but, hey, ya got one head. - Cyndi Lauper
Lisa Marie Presley Quote
How many people have a family grave in the backyard? I'm sure I'll end up there, or I'll shrink my head and put it in a glass box in the living room. I'll get more tourists to Graceland that way. - Lisa Marie Presley
Robert Benchley Wit
"Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about." - Robert Benchley
Erma Bombeck Funny
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture. - Erma Bombeck
Alfred Hitchcock Quote
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. - Alfred Hitchcock
Jeff Bridges-Designated Drivers
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Bridges
Dennis Leary Quote
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. - Dennis Leary
The Weather
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation - Kin Hubbard
Cannibal-Jack Benny
"A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter." - Jack Benny
Cooking-Nora Ephron
"What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you." - Nora Ephron
Groucho-Dance
"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows when you came home." - Groucho (movie quote)
Funny by Dave Barry
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering there are men on base." - Dave Barry
Sea World!
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God . . . .I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery
Popularity
"Popularity comes from allowing yourself to be bored by people while pretending to enjoy it." - Karol Newlin
To My Loving Wife
To My Loving Wife
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving WifeFrom: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving WifeFrom: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
A Truck Drivers Duty
A truck drivers duty
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. - Steven Wright
Woody Allen Funny
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen
Rodney Dangerfield Funny
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield
Children-Roseanne Barr
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne Barr
Shopping-Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. - Rita Rudner
Lily Tomlin Quote
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? - Lily Tomlin
Jean Kerr Funny
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr
Wit by Shirley MacLaine
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine
Tallulah Bankhead
I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education. - Tallulah Bankhead
Funny by David Frost
"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home." - David Frost
Ernie Kovacs Funny
"Television is a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done." - Ernie Kovacs
Funny by Mark Russell
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell
Income-Josh Billings
"Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so." - Josh Billings
Adam and Eve-Mark Twain
Adam and Eve had many advantages but the principal one was that they escaped teething. - Mark Twain
Woody Allen Wit
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? - Woody Allen
Bagpipes-Alfred Hitchcock
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. - Alfred Hitchcock
Rita Rudner Funny
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
Divorce-Groucho!
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife." - Groucho
Two Beautiful Words-Dorothy Parker
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed." - Dorothy Parker
Funny from W.C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. - W.C. Fields
Bill Cosby Quote
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. - Bill Cosby
Orson Welles Quote
When you are down and out something always turns up-and it is usually the noses of your friends. - Orson Welles
Dave Barry-"Config.SYS" Settings
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. - Dave Barry
Wit by Spike Milligan
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. - Spike Milligan
Funny from George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? - George Carlin
Lenny Bruce Funny
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. - Lenny Bruce
Jack Benny Wit
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
Dizzy Dean Quote
It puzzles me how they know what corners are good for filling stations. Just how did they know gas and oil was under there? - Dizzy Dean
Jacqueline Kennedy Quote
The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. - Jacqueline Kennedy
Funny by Ambrose Bierce
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. - Amrose Bierce
A Friend-Erma Bombeck
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. - Erma Bombeck
Wit From Earl Wilson
"Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas." - Earl Wilson
Hermione Gingold Quote
"Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue." - Hermione Gingold
Confidence-Zig Ziglar
"Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you." - Zig Ziglar
Funny By Jeff Foxworthy
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck. - Jeff Foxworthy
Dolly Parton Quote
I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department four days to put it out. - Dolly Parton
Redneck Love Story
Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe And planned to marry Will. But after telling pappy this, He said "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said "Honey chile, Do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal You'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, But Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe And planned to marry Will. But after telling pappy this, He said "There's trouble still."
"You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said "Honey chile, Do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
Most People-Diana Vreeland
What do I think about the way most people dress? Most people are not something one thinks about. - Diana Vreeland
Wit by Dorothy Parker
By the time you swear you are his, shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is infinite and undying- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying - Dorothy Parker
Emo Philips Funny
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." - Emo Philips
Lucille Ball Quote
"I don't do T & A very well because I haven't got much of either." - Lucille Ball
Marriage-Ogden Nash
"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up" - Ogden Nash
Dave Barry and His Therapist
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." - Dave Barry
Steven Wright Funny
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. - Steven Wright
Never Jealous-Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. - Jeff Foxworthy
George Carlin Funny
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. - George Carlin
PMS-Roseanne Barr
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself. - Roseanne Barr
Wit From Art Buchwald
People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him. - Art Buchwald
Ambrose Bierce Quote
"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth." - Ambrose Bierce
Funny By Steven Wright
"I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance." - Steven Wright
Kidnapped-Rodney Dangerfield
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" - Rodney Dangerfield
Tina Fey Quote
Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die. - Tina Fey
Ellen DeGeneres Funny
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
Funny by Elayne Boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
Peter De Vries Quote
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter De Vries
Quote by Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Vegetarian-Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. - Rita Rudner
Babies-Jeff Foxworthy
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? - Jeff Foxworthy
Funny From Erma Bombeck
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. - Erma Bombeck
Pete Seeger Quote
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. - Pete Seeger
Hollywood Happiness-Rex Reed
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. - Rex Reed
Funny From Alan King
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet. - Alan King
Shirley Temple Black Quote
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black
Thankful-E.C.McKenzie
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors. - E.C. McKenzie
Snow-Carl Reiner
A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. - Carl Reiner
Albert Einstein Formula
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein
Lily Tomlin Funny
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
Funny From Bob Hope
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. - Bob Hope
Quote From Margaret Thatcher
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. - Margaret Thatcher
Mother Teresa Quote
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa
Quote From Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker
Immortality-Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
Quote From Pres. Dwight D. Eisenhower
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. - Pres. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Wit From Pres. John F. Kennedy
I know that the White House was designed by James Hoban, a noted Irish-American architect, and I have no doubt that he believed by incorporating several features of the Dublin style he would make it more homelike for any president of Irish descent. It was a long wait, but I appreciate his efforts. - Pres. John F. Kennedy
Pres. Ronald Reagan Quote
The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination. - Pres. Ronald Reagan
Fred Allen-Television
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. - Fred Allen
Drinking Too Much-Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. - Rodney Dangerfield
Income Tax-Noel Coward
I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday. - Noel Coward
Harrison Ford Quote
You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them. - Harrison Ford
Kinky Friedman Y'all
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive. - Kinky Friedman
Rock Journalism-Frank Zappa
Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa
Steven Wright-Speed Waiting
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. - Steven Wright
Golf-Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
Quote From Sir Winston Churchill
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed - Sir Winston Churchill
Ogden Nash Wit
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it - Ogden Nash
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