Tiger Needs a Really Good Watch
Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer is re-evaluating their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. Which is ironic, because in order to schedule a career, a wife, and 14 mistresses, you need a really good watch. - Conan O'Brien
Santa Has The Right Idea.....
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Change The Locks!!!
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson
Woody-Some Sort of Sign!
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen
Britney vs Tiger
Twenty-eight years old! That shows you how quickly things can change. Britney is now back on top of her game and Tiger Woods is in the tabloids for crashing his car. Who could have seen . . . - Jay Leno
Don't You Hate It When.....
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. - Steven Wright
Oldest Rodent in The Business
Mickey Mouse is now 81. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head. - Craig Ferguson
The Safest Cars in America.....
Today a list of the safest cars in America was released and four of the cars were built by Chrysler. Apparently, Chrysler cars are so safe because they never leave the dealership. - Conan O'Brien
You Might Be a Redneck If.....
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. - Jeff Foxworthy
Don't Confuse Fame With.....
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. - Erma Bombeck
The Dying Process Begins The Minute.....
The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties. - Carol Matthau
Costume Idea? Balloon Boy!
Need a last minute idea for a Halloween costume?
How about making yourself into "Balloon Boy?"
Bette Davis
When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch.Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.
With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn't consider dying.
Decision Making
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results. - Scott Adams
Men-Beware of That Underwear Dust!
Guys-BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, dear; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!
*** Courtesy of "Lila." R.I.P. November 1st 2009. You won't be forgotten!
The Secret of Life
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - Groucho
A New Way of Doing CPR
Last Night on “Larry King Live,” CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta demonstrated a new way of doing CPR. Luckily for Larry King, it worked. - Conan O'Brien
Columbus Day
So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it,And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it,
And the fetters gave him welts,
And they named America after somebody else.
~Ogden Nash, Columbus
Craigslist Ad: Renting Out My Bathroom
"I am a female in my mid 60's and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money. I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home. My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it. I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better."
DVD Replaces Owner's Manuals
This week Chrysler announced it’s replacing its owner’s manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota. - Conan O'Brien
Writer H.L. Mencken
* A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.* A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
* All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
* The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
* Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
Always Be Nice to Your Children.......
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
Craigslist Ad: Rustic 1 Bedroom
As summer is approaching that means the weather outside is getting nicer, which means I have an extra room for rent. Do you like the outdoors, wood paneling, porta-potties? Then I have the perfect room for you. I just cleaned and swept out the tree house in my backyard. It is level to the second story of my house on a very sturdy tree. It has a plastic door, solid roof, and a durable rope ladder. It also has a pully system so you can pull up items that you don’t feel comfortable carrying on the rope ladder. The tree house has a bedroom (comes furnished with a mattress) which is separate from the common area (comes furnished with a beanbag).As for the kitchen, you may want to eat out. You can use the separate entrance to my backyard where it is located. This DOES NOT mean you have free access to my backyard though. What you are renting is the room at this is it. It is okay to use the backyard but keep it mind that first and foremost, it is mine.
Please, applicants under 160lbs only please. It is a sturdy building but lets not take any chances.
- cats are OK - purrr
- dogs are OK - wooof
- Location: Parkdale
Scott Adams Quotes
* If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.
* Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
* There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
* Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
* There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
Muhammad Ali Visits Ireland Home of His Ancestors!
Muhammad Ali visited the town in Ireland where his great-grandfather was born, and thousands of people lined the streets to greet him. All the Irish people had one burning question for Ali, What's it like to fight with someone while sober? - Conan O'Brien
Figure Out Regifting Robin!
Go to the link below and figure out how "Regifting Robin" can figure out the gift you chose!
Visit "Regifting Robin" HERE.
The New iPod.....
Apple is expected to release the new iPod very soon – but they’re not saying when. Experts say the most likely release date for the new iPod is “exactly one day after you buy the current iPod.” - Conan O'Brien
Steven Wright Wisdom
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Funny Gags from Conan O'Brien!
* President Obama is in Martha's Vineyard this week, and so far he’s played tennis . . . golf . . . he’s gone swimming . . . and now it’s rumored he may play a game of bocce ball. In other words, America is still waiting for its first black president. * Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town-hall meeting because she wouldn’t stop yelling at him. So I’m guessing he still hasn’t patched things up with Sarah Palin.
* Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America’s future that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, “I had this exact same feeling in 1776.”
* It’s been reported that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies.
Wacky Crimes and Police Encounters
* An officer stopped a guy for speeding. His car was wet. He stated that the dryer at the car wash was broken so he was driving fast so that the wind would dry his car.* Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
* A Policeman pulled a car over and asked the man driving why she was going 70 mph in a 50 mph zone?"I was only going 50!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the police officer replied.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back in anger.
"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's sexy wife leaned toward the window and said,
"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
* A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through automated radar.A $100 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $100.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
* On a rural road a police man pulled a farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Humorous Craigslist Ad-Actor Needed
My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain. Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.
Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.
This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.
- Location: DC, MD, VA
David Letterman Gags
So hot today that the crack dealers in New York City switched to Klondike Bars.So hot, that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.
It Wasn't Too Hard for Bill
"Congratulations to Bill Clinton for going to North Korea and freeing the two journalists. To be fair, it wasn't that hard for Bill . . . he's used to sneaking women out of government buildings." - Craig Ferguson
Putin Toured World's Deepest Lake?
"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal the world’s deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." - Jimmy Fallon
Classic Sam Goldwyn ( Film Producer)
* Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
* I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
* I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
* Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
* Spare no expense to save money on this one.
* I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
* I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
* Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
* Spare no expense to save money on this one.
W.C. Fields: Expert of Electricity
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. - W.C. Fields
Tax on Cosmetic Surgery?
"Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make."- Conan O'Brien
Potter Fans and Their Silent Cry for Help...
The new “Harry Potter” movie is a sensation— “Harry Potter” fans have started playing quidditch on college campuses across the country, but since their brooms don’t fly, they just pretend they do. It’s actually based on one of J.K. Rowling’s lesser-known works, “Harry Potter and the Silent Cry for Help.” - Conan O'Brien
Tribute to Belgium by Craig Ferguson
It’s Belgian Independence Day. They’ve given the world so much . . . the Belgian waffle . . . but it’s great.
Belgium is a nice place, though. It’s the place people go to when they’re on their way to another place, a place they’re going to spend more time at. It’s kind of the Jennifer Aniston of countries.
Belgium is the Mexico of the Netherlands.
In parts of Belgium they still speak Flemish. It’s a language based entirely on flem.
The Economy is Still Struggling...
The economy still struggling . . . the latest figures show that because of the bad economy, homelessness in the suburbs is increasing. So the next time you hear something rustling around in your trash, it could be one of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.' - Conan O'Brien
Homer Simpson-Role Model
Kids, you tried and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try. - Homer Simpson
A Child of Age One.....
A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
- Joan Rivers
Gas Fuel Funnies
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. - Steven Wright
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” - George Carlin
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?" - Anon
Chrysler Is Trying .....
USA Today says that Chrysler is trying to make its cars more appealing by painting them in bright colors like orange and lime green. They’re also trying to make them more appealing by painting the name Toyota on them. - Conan O'Brien
Hilly Hasn't Rully Recovered
"Hillary broke her elbow recently. She hasn't fully recovered yet. In fact, she's still wearing her orthopedic pantsuit."- David Letterman
Good News For Auto Industry
Good news for the auto industry — according to a new report, Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers. - Conan O'Brien
Pork Chops or Cubs?
In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth
The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.
After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only 'orphans' that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops??
Take a look.....
The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.
After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only 'orphans' that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops??
Take a look.....
Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs
10. Octomom babysitter9. Mel Gibson divorce lawyer
8. Assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
7. Susan Boyle groomer
6. Second assistant in charge of applying sunscreen to Rush Limbaugh
5. Dick Cheney hunting buddy (4th year on the list)
4. 'Jon & Kate Plus 8' marriage counselor
3. No number 3 - writer left to work for Conan
2. General Motors CEO
1. Proofreader for George W. Bush's memoir
National Donut Day
"Today is National Donut Day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls it, Friday." - Conan O'Brien
Stranger Sharing a Cab In NYC
In New York, you can now share a cab with strangers. I saw two strangers sharing a cab just today. One was taking the tires; the other was taking the radio. - David Letteman
Jay Leno Finale Jokes!
* "I'd like to thank those who made my show successful – Monica Lewinsky, Michael Jackson, and Bill Clinton."
* "When we started this show my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight."
* "I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time."
-Leno's new hour-long comedy show will premiere on NBC at the 10 p.m. timeslot on a date to be announced in September.
* "When we started this show my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight."
* "I'm going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time."
-Leno's new hour-long comedy show will premiere on NBC at the 10 p.m. timeslot on a date to be announced in September.
Brain Teaser!
THE TRICK IS TO FIND THE MAN IN THE COFFEE BEANS:
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious.
Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think,
'Why didn't I see him immediately?'
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half
of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and
1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute
and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type
of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious.
Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think,
'Why didn't I see him immediately?'
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half
of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and
1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute
and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type
of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
Clown Arrested on DUI
In West Virginia, a clown returning from a kid's party was arrested for drunk driving. Police say he tried to turn the breathalizer into a giraffe. - Jimmy Fallon
Leno
I think all this publicity has gone to Trump's head. Today he held a press conference and said some Burger King guy could keep his crown.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that she was misled by the CIA on waterboarding. She spent eight years complaining about how dumb President Bush was and the minute she's in trouble, she says he fooled her.
My Darling Husband.....
My Darling Husband:Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Boy George
Boy George was released from prison after serving four months. He said the experience was rough, humiliating, and degrading . . . and he couldn't wait to go back. - Craig Ferguson
Joan Rivers On Clint Black's Ego
"Clint Black has an amazing ego. If he went to a bar he'd pick himself up." - Joan Rivers (Celebrity Apprentice)
Don't Worry-Nobody's Got Any.....
According to The New York Times, swine flu can be transmitted on money. You know what that means . . . we're all safe. No one's got any. - Jay Leno
He Took More Time to Pick a Dog!
The president may have a nominee for the Supreme Court by the end of the week. Does it bother anybody that he took him 10 times longer to pick a dog? - Craig Ferguson
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