* She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.
* Bob took time from work By bourbon required Then he took to the road Now he's semi-retired
* On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune
* Johann Bach Musician Still decomposing After all these years
* Dapper Dan Was a lady's man And known for miles around But he slept with Pearl, The Gambler's girl, He now lies six feet under ground
* Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go
Good Ideas or Eggs Hatching?
“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.” - Jack Handy
Husband or Philosopher?
"By all means marry, if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
Jewish Settlement
There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman. - David Letter
Hillary Won't Roll Over
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that. - Jay Leno
Those New Jersey Hunters!
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let"s make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let"s make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The Wallet
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids! - Rodney D.
You Have To Be A Redneck If...
* You have more appliances in your front yard than you do in your house.
* Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.
* Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
* Yer richest kin folk buys a new house and you gotta help take the wheels off of it.
* Your mama keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
New Year's Quotes
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution. - Jay Leno
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. - P. J. O'Rourke
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. - Mark Twain
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